Saturday, April 11, 2015

This is 40. Part 2- Toya

Quote from one of the greatest philosophers of our time, Carrie Bradshaw
Part 2 of this post

Depending on what day you ask, my 40th year has been one of the following:

- one of the best years of my life
- the most confusing year of my life
- the year with the most growth and possibilities
- the most stagnant year that has felt like I've been walking around in a tunnel with no light or end in sight

And it's only April. 

The week I turned 40 I felt great. Soon after things changed.  For one thing, my metabolism has come to a standstill, a screeching halt.  I can't even look at a donut without gaining weight.  Last year I fell at work and had some x-rays on my foot to find out that not only did I re-fracture an old injury but I have plantar fasciitis and arthritis. ARTHRITIS. When I saw my name next to ARTHRITIS???? Yo.  I went home in complete silence. No music no nothing.  40 is here and taking no prisoners.

I haven't really made any friends yet here and being as though it's spring and the weather is getting so nice, that's been a little rough on me as of late. Not only did I have great friends back in Nashville but I had a great reputation and a pretty successful side hustle as a concert producer.  But I'm facing forward now to whoever it is I am supposed to be.  The thing that I have to fight off the most is feeling like I have somehow already peaked.  I know that's not the truth.  I didn't move back home to retire. I moved back to get healthy for what's next and what's next is great.  There is a plan.  But the challenge for me is to not just sit here and say "there is a plan".  That's like wanting to have a house, looking at the blueprint and there are no construction workers, no material, etc.  You've got to count the cost of what it takes to work that plan and I have a lot of work to do.

So 40 has basically been about me figuring some things out about myself, things that I need to really work on steadily; things that had they been brought to my attention last year, which was really about my recuperating, would have sent me into emotional quicksand. I've had to to do some soul searching as to what behavior has been holding me back from certain victories for so long.  I wrote this in my journal recently...

"Anything that I have allowed to hold me back in life is the enemy of my soul."

I have a few enemies but there's one in particular that I want to talk about and that's procrastination.

Procrastination is my nemesis.  It is the Newman to my Jerry, the Pam to my Martin, The Gooch to my Arnold Jackson.  It is the enemy. But for the longest time, I haven't treated it like an enemy. I've treated it like a companion, a friend even.  "Oh that's just procrastination. It's always been here, always going to be here.  It's been here for generations. It comes to all of the picnics."  It's prideful to just let procrastination take residence in your life like that. Now listen, I'm not talking about the "I'll fold the laundry later" and later turns into a week. I'm not talking about that.  I'm talking about continuously hitting the snooze button on life. It's prideful to think you have that much time. It's prideful to think that circumstances don't change. For me, procrastination is one of the biggest sins of my life and it's gotta go.

So this week I prayed about it. I prayed about how to conquer procrastination, insecurity and other things that I feel have been holding me back from consistently winning and this is what I got: in order to get rid of procrastination or any sin and mindset that holds you back, you've got to hate it. You can't be indifferent towards it. It's not enough to feel guilty about it. You have got to absolutely hate it. You have to hate it like getting stuck in rush hour traffic.  You've got to hate it like injustice.  You've got to hate it like when someone leaves just a swallow of orange juice in the container. You've got to absolutely hate it. It has to disgust you or you'll never change it. Because if you continuously allow it, you don't hate it enough. You may hate yourself for it, but you don't hate it enough. 

You've got to hate fear.
You've got to hate your inconsistency.
You've got to hate your insecurity that plagues you every time you look in the mirror.
You've got to hate whatever it is that continuously says that there will never be anything good for you again in life.

And if because of it you have hated yourself or have been angry at yourself instead of that thing then you need to make a trade.  It's amazing how we don't apply "hate the sin and not the sinner" to how we treat ourselves. Don't hate yourself for what holds you back.  Hate what is holding you back and then knock the hell out of it.

Any behavior, guilt or untruth that compromises the love that you have for yourself is unacceptable. There is some behavior that has been in my life that is just plain unacceptable. The problem is I was letting the behavior make me feel like I was unacceptable. You can't move forward that way. So if I had to pick one word to describe 40 it would be "forward" and when you move forward, old "frenemies" like procrastination can't come along for the ride.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1