Sunday, November 9, 2014

I wasn't ready - Tia


My beautiful, strong, courageous mother passed away two weeks ago. She was diagnosed with cancer at the end of August and two months later she was gone. My brother and I were not prepared in the least. We all thought we'd have more time.

Death is a cruel and complicated thing. We all know that we're going to die. But we are never fully prepared for it. We had no idea that my mother would go so quickly. And once she went home to be with the Lord, the grieving process was swift and crippling. There are no words that can comfort you. There is nothing that you can do to stop the pain. You must simply accept it, give in to it, and do the very best that you can to navigate it. It is the absolute worst.

My mother and I had a tumultuous relationship at times. I know that she loved me dearly and I her. But I don't know that she ever fully understood her stoic, nerdy, overanalyzing, strangely emotional child. And I certainly didn't fully understand some of the decisions she made and the things that she did. I'm more like my father in a lot of ways and I think that's why she and I often bumped heads. But she was also the person who understood my tears. She knew that I could be a person who resided squarely in my feelings for long periods of time and she was often very adept at navigating those feelings.

My mom taught me to cook (when I would stay put long enough to pay attention.) I get my love of baking from her. I get my looks and my curves from her. She taught me how to take care of my skin. She loved me when I was rotten, when I was selfish, when I wasn't at my best. For all of her faults, for all of the times I was FURIOUS with her, for every moment I just didn't understand how her mind worked, I ALWAYS ALWAYS KNEW that she loved me.

The last birthday card she sent me had a note in it that said, "You are the best thing that ever happened to me." It was a Disney princess card. She told me that my middle name means princess and she always called me her "beautiful princess."

So as I struggle through the gut wrenching sadness that comes with losing a loved one and try to process the crisis of faith I'm having with not understanding why my mother got cancer and why our prayers for healing from God were not answered, I find comfort in knowing that I was unconditionally loved by a beautiful, statuesque, God fearing mother. I am glad that she is no longer suffering. I miss her dearly, but that's to be expected.

Just before my mom passed, Toya's dad told me, "Your parents are the first people you ever love." So if you are the praying type, please pray for my brother and me. We lost our first love.


13 comments:

Miss Dre said...

I am so very sorry for your loss, Tia. You and your brother are in my thoughts and prayers. May God be with you both and wrap His loving arms around you in your time of loss.

Kesia D. Monteith said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a complicated relationship with my own mother as well, but she has given me nothing but tender, loving care for all of my 26 years on this planet. My Mother's health have seen some ups and downs that have worried me, and now her mother has been battling through colon cancer, and boy that has been a scare. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling right now. I don't know what I would do without my mother. :'(

Stay strong. God bless you and keep up the faith.

mgraves said...

Your momma's beauty lives on in you. Of the few pictures I have seen of her, I would know instantly whose mother she was - yours. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and we will continue to pray for you & your brother. Love you friend.

WallysKid said...

My condolences to you and your family during this time. My The Lord look over you and provide you comfort.

Christina said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My mom was diagnosed with cancer this year and over the past month her health took a turn for the worse. I started thinking of what I would do if she passed and it was tough to even think of in a hypothetical. So my heart truly goes out to you and your family. You and your brother are definitely in my prayers.

Patrice said...

Praying for you and your brother during this tender time. With Love, Patrice xo

Morna Findlay said...

My dad died two years ago now. I think of him every day. I find I now remember him more and more as all the men he was: my daddy from when I was wee as well as the faded version of himself in his last years. Dear, vexing all at once. How true that our parents are our first loves. Bestvwishes to you.

Lei said...

Hugs from me to you. I got to come back to this, because I can't even process it right now. Feel like a close friend's mom has passed and.. I just need to come back.

Anonymous said...

So sorry. Praying.

Miss Parker said...

I'm very sorry for your loss. May you remember the good times and God's loving presence be with you everyday. It is hard to lose a loved one, but it honestly does get better with time. The little things you disliked, soon become overshadowed with all of their positive attributes. Prayers and well wishes to you and your brother, Tia..

Anonymous said...

Hi Tia

This is a little belated but I just came across your blog. I'm so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I know what its like to lose a parent suddenly. My father rose one morning, popped out to get his daily newspaper and died of a heart attack. I was woken at 4am on the other side of the world (Australia) with the awful news. You're so right when you say, we know that we're all going to die, but it's still such a shock when someone close passes away.
If I have any advice to give, its that there is no right or wrong way to feel. If you're a person of faith then like me you might be mad with God for a little while. Just cry, get angry everything is ok...just allow yourself to feel. Believe me when I say YOU will get through. Your in my prayers

Mia said...

May God be with you both and wrap His loving arms around you in your time of loss

ApkMeDium said...

Nice Post I Like It Very Much
http://www.apkmedium.com