My birthday was last Tuesday. And let me tell you, IT SUCKED!!!
I spent the weekend prior with the boy bestie in Florida. We turned up! We went to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I got to go to Diagon Alley. I saw a fire breathing dragon. The next day we went to the beach. Then we came back and had drinks. And steak. AND DRINKS!!! TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?!?! The answer to that question is: The Next Day. Turn down for the next day!! I am officially in my late 30s. I can't party like a rockstar any more. My body does not like it!!! The day before I left Florida I could feel myself getting sick. By the time I got home Sunday night, I knew I was going to be sick. By Monday, I was sick. By Tuesday, my actual birthday, I thought I might be dying.
To say that I was sick would be a gross understatement. I had a fever. There was so much snot. Every time I coughed, I thought one of my lungs was going to detach. And then I started puking. Nothing says, "Happy Birthday to me!!" like having to clean up your own vomit on your born day.
I'm a baby when I'm sick. But being sick on my birthday, with no one to take care of me, almost did me in. I started crying...once I stopped vomiting. I couldn't believe that not only did I feel bad physically, but I had no one to come and just take care of me. I was also crying because I realized that I'd been waiting on my life to start and I'd wasted so much time. I was waiting for someone to do life with and while I waited most of my 30s passed me by. I wanted to meet someone, get married, travel and then have a kid. And I figured I would have done that by now. So as I scrubbed vomit off of the hardwood floor (I learned it settles in the cracks of the floor if you don't clean it fast enough) it all just kind of hit me that I'd been waiting for the perfect scenarios to live the life I wanted. And while I waited, NOTHING happened. It was a lot y'all.
I've been sick for the last week and I've had a lot of time to think. I have to come to terms with a lot of things. First and foremost, I may never get married. I hope that I do. But finding a husband (or being found by one or however you word the scenario) is not promised. And I just don't have the time to wait around for a permanent travel buddy that I can also have sex with. If I want to go and I want to do, I have to just go and do.
Second, I have to be the most awesome version of myself FOR MYSELF. It's past time for me to pursue the things that I'm interested in. I'm not going to be the best version of myself for someone else. I'm going to do that for me.
Third, it's okay to want things. It's okay to hope for things. But you can't grieve for what you don't have. You have to be thankful for where you are. But you don't have to STAY there. You can live the life of your dreams, but you have to live.
I had to go to Target to pick up numerous prescriptions on Friday and decided to pick up a birthday card for a friend of mine. I found the card above and I'm not ashamed that I bought it for myself. It's on my fridge so that I'll see it every day. (A girl's gotta eat, right?) I have to continue to remind myself that I can have some version of the life that I want. I'm telling you, washing puke out of your hair on the day you should be eating cake will make you have a life epiphany.
I start Italian classes next Saturday. I'm headed to NYC with my dad at the end of September. I'm leaning towards going to London for New Years. I'm heading down to Children's Hospital next week to find out about volunteering. I'm trying to figure out how to go to Physician's Assistant school. (Seriously America, why are there SO FEW part time PA programs?!?!?!) And I've started making payments for my trip to Italy and Greece for my next birthday. I'm tired of being miserable about the life I don't have. I'm choosing to take the next 30 days to NOT complain about ANYTHING. (I'm hoping that being more positive will actual change my life because it will make me change my choices. I'll let you know how that goes.) And I'm choosing every day beyond today to live the life I dream. I want to love my life. I want to be an active participant in my own adventure. I want stories. I want fun. I want to have A GOOD LIFE! And so I shall.