Sunday, July 13, 2014
Depression is a Mother******!!!! - Tia
Not even going to sugar coat it: I've been gone because I've been battling depression.
During my last post, I talked about how I'd been struggling with depression and was planning on getting help to get healthy. Well, I hit the proverbial breaking point not very long after that. I had a breakdown. There's no other way to put it. It was beyond dark. I was in a place where I understood why people committed suicide. It was painful. It was scary. It was soul-breaking. I understood how people get to a point where all they want is for the pain to stop. I had to reach out or I wasn't going to make it.
I sat on the floor and bawled my eyes out. For days I wept. I prayed. I stopped eating. I wasn't sleeping well. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes. I was in a place that NO ONE should ever have to be in. Fortunately, there came a point when the tears began to ebb. I sat in bed, logged onto my healthcare provider's website and began looking for a mental health professional. I needed a professional. I needed a lifeline. I went to the first provider who had an appointment available THAT DAY. Unfortunately, she turned out to be a nightmare. She actually made me feel worse. I was quite literally almost moved to physical violence toward her because she was THAT AWFUL. Never have I felt so belittled and disregarded. And this from someone whose job it is to walk people through the darkest times of their lives!!!
It's hard enough dealing with depression. But trying to find a mental health professional to walk you through it is a challenge in and of itself. A lot of people don't want to admit that they need help. But once you do, you have to be dedicated to finding the right person to help see you through the storm. (Side note: Counseling with make you start speaking in clichés and metaphors. You learn to deal with that.)
Even after Dr. "I suck at my job as psychiatrist" made me feel stabby, I knew I had to keep looking for someone to help. This wasn't something I could pray away, that would go away on its own. I needed intervention. Fortunately, the next counselor I saw was the lifeline I needed. She was compassionate, reassuring and realistic. It is cathartic and heart wrenching and difficult to unpack all of your inner demons. So if you're going to do it, you most definitely needed to make sure you're doing it with the right person.
Things have gotten better. But I still have off days. I'm still trying to figure out what my triggers are on the bad days. And though I was initially very much against it, I'm also taking medication to help find and stay in the balance. I worry that I'll have to be on it forever. But as one of my friends, who by the way, is one of the most wise, kind, Christian sisters I've ever had the fortune of knowing and who has also struggled with depression said, "Who gives a f*ck if you have to be on medication forever?" (Yeah man, sometimes depression makes even the most godly people drop f-bombs.) At this point I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get healthy and stay healthy.
My birthday is next week. I'm not doing anything special outside of gorging myself on chicken nachos at El Myr. My only wish this year is that I have more good days than bad. I pray that I will continue to make progress and NEVER go back to the place where the darkness almost won. And I also hope that my story will help someone else. If you're in a dark place or, heaven forbid, thinking of self harming, PLEASE PLEASE know that you're not alone. You are loved and you are wanted. And someone is there to help, you just have to reach out.
The other day as I sat watching the episode of Rizzoli and Isles where they memorialized Lee Thompson Young, I realized how devastating and far-reaching suicide really is. Although, Angie Harmon's character was speaking about the fictitious Detective Frost, it was painfully obvious that she was really talking about Lee. And as I sat on my couch, hugged my knees and cried over a life that didn't have to end so soon, I whispered to myself over and over again, "You will NEVER do that."
Life is neither easy nor fair. But it is worth living. Even when it gets dark and painful and kick you in the teeth unbearable, there's always one more day. And if that next day is an iota better than the last then it's worth it.