Monday, July 28, 2014

Man Crush Monday: Sasha Roiz - Tia

As you know, I've been sick for the last week. As such, I've been doing a lot of binge watching on Netflix and Amazon. I'm not really sure how I decided to start watching Grimm. But I'm also unclear on why I wasn't watching it to begin with. The show is right up my alley. I mean, honestly, hot guys chasing monsters and fairy tale creature…? YES, PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!!

Now, I understand the show is about Nick being a Grimm and all that that entails. And don't get me wrong, David Giuntoli has that whole smoldering, tortured hot guy thing down. But I live, you hear me, I LIVE for Capt. Renard. That man is my primary reason for watching the show. Okay, that's not fair or entirely true. It's actually a really fun and imaginative show. But Sasha Roiz is the eye-candy I look forward to seeing the most. Side note: I feel sorta bad objectifying him (and all of my other MCMs) like this. I mean, this man is educated, speaks multiple languages and is probably an all around decent guy. He's not just a piece of meat…hahahaha….sorry….I can't even finish this. He's hot. Moving on…

Okay, let's start with the height. As a tall girl myself, I love the fact that Sasha is 6'4" (via IMDB). I come from a family of tall men (my dad and younger brothers are 6'3", 6'5" and 6'8" respectively.) So I like a tall man. I also like a man who dresses well and I feel like every time I see Sasha (may I call you Sasha?) be it on the show or at some event, the man is dressed impeccably well. I'm sure he has to have his suits tailored or if he's like the boy bestie, he has to have the suits made specifically for his frame. Either way, the man looks DAMN good in a suit.

Then there's the language thing. On the show, I've heard him speak French and Russian. I feel as if there was a 3rd language thrown in there somewhere but can't immediately recall. Whatever the case, this man could be reading his grocery list in Russian and it would still sound sexy.

I've been unable to locate a wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, other for Sasha. (Hey, I live in Atlanta. Lots of boys have boyfriends.) So for now he will be my boyfriend in my head. And even though I haven't yet finished season 3, I know how it ended. (The internet is great for helping you find pictures of your MCM AND for providing spoilers.) As such, I'd like to borrow a phrase from The Walking Dead: If Renard's really dead, we riot.

Oh yeah…he's also on Instagram.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Live your life (aaa-aaa-aaa) - Tia

My birthday was last Tuesday. And let me tell you, IT SUCKED!!!

I spent the weekend prior with the boy bestie in Florida. We turned up! We went to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I got to go to Diagon Alley. I saw a fire breathing dragon. The next day we went to the beach. Then we came back and had drinks. And steak. AND DRINKS!!! TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?!?! The answer to that question is: The Next Day. Turn down for the next day!! I am officially in my late 30s.  I can't party like a rockstar any more. My body does not like it!!! The day before I left Florida I could feel myself getting sick. By the time I got home Sunday night, I knew I was going to be sick. By Monday, I was sick. By Tuesday, my actual birthday, I thought I might be dying.

To say that I was sick would be a gross understatement. I had a fever. There was so much snot. Every time I coughed, I thought one of my lungs was going to detach. And then I started puking. Nothing says, "Happy Birthday to me!!" like having to clean up your own vomit on your born day.

I'm a baby when I'm sick. But being sick on my birthday, with no one to take care of me, almost did me in. I started crying...once I stopped vomiting. I couldn't believe that not only did I feel bad physically, but I had no one to come and just take care of me. I was also crying because I realized that I'd been waiting on my life to start and I'd wasted so much time. I was waiting for someone to do life with and while I waited most of my 30s passed me by. I wanted to meet someone, get married, travel and then have a kid. And I figured I would have done that by now. So as I scrubbed vomit off of the hardwood floor (I learned it settles in the cracks of the floor if you don't clean it fast enough) it all just kind of hit me that I'd been waiting for the perfect scenarios to live the life I wanted. And while I waited, NOTHING happened. It was a lot y'all.

I've been sick for the last week and I've had a lot of time to think. I have to come to terms with a lot of things. First and foremost, I may never get married. I hope that I do. But finding a husband (or being found by one or however you word the scenario) is not promised. And I just don't have the time to wait around for a permanent travel buddy that I can also have sex with. If I want to go and I want to do, I have to just go and do.

Second, I have to be the most awesome version of myself FOR MYSELF. It's past time for me to pursue the things that I'm interested in. I'm not going to be the best version of myself for someone else. I'm going to do that for me.

Third, it's okay to want things. It's okay to hope for things. But you can't grieve for what you don't have. You have to be thankful for where you are. But you don't have to STAY there. You can live the life of your dreams, but you have to live.

I had to go to Target to pick up numerous prescriptions on Friday and decided to pick up a birthday card for a friend of mine. I found the card above and I'm not ashamed that I bought it for myself. It's on my fridge so that I'll see it every day. (A girl's gotta eat, right?) I have to continue to remind myself that I can have some version of the life that I want. I'm telling you, washing puke out of your hair on the day you should be eating cake will make you have a life epiphany.

I start Italian classes next Saturday. I'm headed to NYC with my dad at the end of September. I'm leaning towards going to London for New Years. I'm heading down to Children's Hospital next week to find out about volunteering. I'm trying to figure out how to go to Physician's Assistant school. (Seriously America, why are there SO FEW part time PA programs?!?!?!) And I've started making payments for my trip to Italy and Greece for my next birthday. I'm tired of being miserable about the life I don't have. I'm choosing to take the next 30 days to NOT complain about ANYTHING. (I'm hoping that being more positive will actual change my life because it will make me change my choices.  I'll let you know how that goes.) And I'm choosing every day beyond today to live the life I dream. I want to love my life. I want to be an active participant in my own adventure. I want stories. I want fun. I want to have A GOOD LIFE! And so I shall.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Depression is a Mother******!!!! - Tia

Not even going to sugar coat it: I've been gone because I've been battling depression.

During my last post, I talked about how I'd been struggling with depression and was planning on getting help to get healthy. Well, I hit the proverbial breaking point not very long after that. I had a breakdown. There's no other way to put it. It was beyond dark. I was in a place where I understood why people committed suicide. It was painful. It was scary. It was soul-breaking. I understood how people get to a point where all they want is for the pain to stop. I had to reach out or I wasn't going to make it.

I sat on the floor and bawled my eyes out. For days I wept. I prayed. I stopped eating. I wasn't sleeping well. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes. I was in a place that NO ONE should ever have to be in. Fortunately, there came a point when the tears began to ebb. I sat in bed, logged onto my healthcare provider's website and began looking for a mental health professional. I needed a professional. I needed a lifeline. I went to the first provider who had an appointment available THAT DAY. Unfortunately, she turned out to be a nightmare. She actually made me feel worse. I was quite literally almost moved to physical violence toward her because she was THAT AWFUL. Never have I felt so belittled and disregarded. And this from someone whose job it is to walk people through the darkest times of their lives!!!

It's hard enough dealing with depression. But trying to find a mental health professional to walk you through it is a challenge in and of itself. A lot of people don't want to admit that they need help. But once you do, you have to be dedicated to finding the right person to help see you through the storm. (Side note: Counseling with make you start speaking in clich├ęs and metaphors. You learn to deal with that.)

Even after Dr. "I suck at my job as psychiatrist" made me feel stabby, I knew I had to keep looking for someone to help. This wasn't something I could pray away, that would go away on its own. I needed intervention. Fortunately, the next counselor I saw was the lifeline I needed. She was compassionate, reassuring and realistic. It is cathartic and heart wrenching and difficult to unpack all of your inner demons. So if you're going to do it, you most definitely needed to make sure you're doing it with the right person.

Things have gotten better. But I still have off days. I'm still trying to figure out what my triggers are on the bad days. And though I was initially very much against it, I'm also taking medication to help find and stay in the balance. I worry that I'll have to be on it forever. But as one of my friends, who by the way, is one of the most wise, kind, Christian sisters I've ever had the fortune of knowing and who has also struggled with depression said, "Who gives a f*ck if you have to be on medication forever?" (Yeah man, sometimes depression makes even the most godly people drop f-bombs.) At this point I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get healthy and stay healthy.

My birthday is next week. I'm not doing anything special outside of gorging myself on chicken nachos at El Myr. My only wish this year is that I have more good days than bad. I pray that I will continue to make progress and NEVER go back to the place where the darkness almost won. And I also hope that my story will help someone else. If you're in a dark place or, heaven forbid, thinking of self harming, PLEASE PLEASE know that you're not alone. You are loved and you are wanted. And someone is there to help, you just have to reach out.

The other day as I sat watching the episode of Rizzoli and Isles where they memorialized Lee Thompson Young, I realized how devastating and far-reaching suicide really is. Although, Angie Harmon's character was speaking about the fictitious Detective Frost, it was painfully obvious that she was really talking about Lee. And as I sat on my couch, hugged my knees and cried over a life that didn't have to end so soon, I whispered to myself over and over again, "You will NEVER do that."

Life is neither easy nor fair. But it is worth living. Even when it gets dark and painful and kick you in the teeth unbearable, there's always one more day. And if that next day is an iota better than the last then it's worth it.