Wednesday, May 7, 2014

What I've Learned So Far- Toya

Today makes three months that I've been back at home with my parents after living in Nashville for almost 14 years. It's been a good three months I must say. I've learned some things about myself. Liked to hear it? Here it go...

  1. I found a journal entry from the day I decided to move back home. It said "I am completely overwhelmed with having to decide what to do with my life." I still feel this way but I don't have to feel this way. It occurred to me this morning while I was praying that God has been trying to get me to focus on being instead of doing. Being still.  Being diligent. Being healthy. Being at peace.  If I can concentrate on being, I think what I am supposed to do will show up when it needs to show up. Unfortunately, I discovered that I look to activity to validate me. Everyone is always talking about the hustle or grinding, ya know? I love to be busy. Right now I'm not supposed to be grinding or hustling and it so hard.  I think that is one of the reasons why I had to leave Nashville. I always had people saying to me "I know you're working on something." The expectation just became too much for me. I don't blame anyone for that though. That is pressure that I put on myself. 
  2. I have a few types when it comes to men but one that I have had for as long as I can remember is the guy who has a long history of being a complete mess. Ooooooh I LIVE for a man that is a mess!  And wouldn't you know it, I have a little crush on one right now. He is so cute to me but he is a big spaghetti ball of crazy with a side of a hot mess.  Adorable nonetheless though. What's different this time around is that I'm not trippin'. I am not trying to not like him. I let myself like him. I don't worry about him getting too close like I have in the past which usually just makes things worse. I just realize that this is a type that I am attracted to and I can't help that. What I can help is how close I get. What I can help is not making unwise decisions or exceptions for him out of desperation like us women tend to do sometimes. If you know you have an unhealthy type, keep it real but keep it moving. 
  3. I am thinking about going back to school for communications and journalism. Ideally this would be in New York City. I figure if I am going to be in school during my 40's (I'll be 40 at the end of this year) then let it be some place that I really want to be. There is no way I want to be in school in New Jersey. However, Philly wouldn't be so bad. Is it crazy that once I decided to give this some thought that the very next thing I did was look online to see if they still make Trapper Keepers? I mean, those things were so handy!
  4. I have only had a few minor anxiety episodes since I have been back. One happened on the way to work. I felt like everything I was concerned about from where I am in life to concern about my family just avalanched on top of me. I was walking amongst a crowd of people and had to stop and hold onto a railing to get myself together. Tia and I recently talked about how hard it is initially when you are forced to face the reality that you are suffering from mental and emotional health issues. I deal with it better now because I acknowledge that this is a real thing. That skin crawling feeling and the panic I experience is real and it's nothing to be ashamed of. So what did I do? I stopped and said "You know what this is. Breathe." And then I concentrated on my breathing exercises.  Along with breathing exercises, I have also taken to eating more fruits and vegetables, less sugar, and taking an obscene amount of B vitamins. I can look at my pictures from when I first left Nashville and some recent pics and can already tell that I appear healthier. I also talk to myself. A lot. Hey don't act like I'm alone here.  This is usually restricted to my home and my car but I'm not gonna lie.  Sometimes I'll be on the train thinking "Wait. Did I just say that in my outloud voice?" *Looks around awkwardly* Eh well. It's the city. Everyone's used to crazy anyway. 
  5. Being a parent does not stop once your kid turns 18.  This is probably a big reason why I don't want to have children. I'd be trying to train them to get out and never come back once they learned to walk. My parents are absolute saints. They really are. They have been more than supportive. Being back here with them has brought to my attention that if they really needed me, I am not in the position to help them.  I never thought about that when I was away in Nashville.  Now getting myself to that point is a main priority. That is the main reason why I want to go back to school.They have worked so hard. I want to do all that I can for them. 
  6. I have a sign on my wall that I made that says "Deal with it!" I haven't always dealt with things well. What I mean is, I can mull something over and over in my mind but not necessarily deal with it. For instance, I was worried that I may have made a mistake not taking up an opportunity back in Nashville. I let that thing swim inside my head for about 20 minutes before I said "Okay, now why am I concerned about this?" And I walked myself through it. "Why are you upset about this? What do you think could have happened?  Would that have been the best thing though?" When I do that and come to a conclusion, the conclusion is either I can't fix it now and maybe I shouldn't even want to. I tend to romanticize life in Nashville at times forgetting how miserable I was my last year of being there. I can't overlook that. I can't be looking at Instagram and see my friends hanging out like "See? Why did I leave? I could be hanging out right now." Uh no I couldn't either. I was BROK.  Not BROKE. BROK. I couldn't even afford the E. 
  7.  Being up here has made me truly realize who my true friends are. I miss my friends in Nashville so much.  I am so appreciative to have had a good number of people express their adoration for me since I left, however ,what I've learned in this transition is to never mistake adoration for love. Adoration doesn't require action. Love does.  I know that now and I am so grateful.

No comments: