Monday, May 19, 2014

The Hot Mess Championships: The 2014 Billboard Awards

Congratulations J Lo!
Another round of the Hot Mess Championships took place last night as the world watched the annual Billboard Music Awards. It wasn't awful, per se, but what I am noticing is that these shows can really only be about as good as the mainstream music of today that it is awarding. With that being said, things ain't what they used to be folks. Here's my rundown in real time, for the most part anyway. 

  1. So the show opens with Pitbull, the King of Zumba Music, trying to have a "Cup of Life" moment with all of these flags and dancers and such.  I won't front. This really looks like it's fun in person. Good opening!  
  2. Wait, Shania Twain still shows up to things? Okay Shania!  When I tell you that Shania and Celine Dion have no cares as my friend Melissa would say? Up there living in castles with moats full of money. Good grief. Moats!
  3. Lana Del Rey is rock? I really hate the way Billboard sets their categories up. How in the world?
  4. Is that Winnie Cooper?!  Wait a minute y'all! I need answers! Why is Winnie Cooper presenting an award?!
  5. Ryan Tedder of One Republic is the truth. I need to get into this One Republic album I see.  Oooh can One Republic,Imagine Dragons, and Young the Giant tour together?! I'd pay for that even if it wasn't a Groupon offer. 
  6. Will someone please tell me why Winnie Cooper was on though?! 
  7. So there's an Iggy Azalea AND an Azealia Banks? I just... I need a chart, a graph, a Pop Music for Dummies book, something. 
  8. Now who is this? That's not Ariana Grande is it? And who are these children? Were they on Degrassi too? 
  9. There's Ariana! Come on Baby Mariah!
  10. Ariana Grande gives me 90's realness and I am here for it. If she can just stay right here in her career, I'll be happy. 
  11. That Solange joke was so unnecessary, awkward and ill placed. I'm not saying that no one can come for her or The Carters but it was just flat. 
  12. I don't dislike Florida Georgia Line at all but do we really need this pyro though? Wait. Are they rapping? Like, is this Hick Hop? Is this a genre that missed me? I blame that Nelly and Tim McGraw song for this. I also blame it for global warming because it really was THAT bad. 
  13. We didn't just see Shakira in the beginning? If not then who was that woman with... I am so not current. 
  14. We're just gonna sit here and act like Shakira and Beyonce' don't look like third cousins twice removed?  Okay. I'll go pop some popcorn now. 
  15. If Ludacris doesn't introduce 5 Seconds of Summer with "Scheme scheme, plot plot. They coming for One Direction's spot", he, or the script writers rather, doesn't want to win tonight. The jokes are right there. They're right there!
  16. Just on the strength of "Pusher Love Girl" I want Justin Timberlake to collect all of his awards. That song alone rights all of the wrongs of the second half of that record. 
  17. That One Kardashian Sister (I don't know her name) started to introduce 5 Seconds of Summer as One Direction, didn't she? She is a Kardashian right? Clearly I don't know these new celebrities. Again I'm STILL excited about seeing Winnie Cooper.
  18. So this is 5 Seconds of Summer!  Look, I love pop punk summer songs. Sorry not sorry. I grew up near the shore. *Shrug*
  19. Lorde won! Yes Lord and yes Lorde!!!!! When is Lorde's MAC collection out? She keeps a maroon lip and I am all about that. She will get my money. 
  20. So about this Katy Perry performance of "Birthday". It's really....colorful.  I suddenly want Skittles. Anybody else suddenly want Skittles? And is Jerimih gonna jump on this "Birthday" remix or nah?. 
  21. Imagine Dragons go hard EVERY time! Yes children! They don' need pyro. They ARE the pyro.
  22. Is Imagine Dragons Mormon or Christian or anything like that? I'm just saying. I listen to their songs and sometimes I feel like I am about to enter a  "Here I Am to Worship" moment. 
  23. Luke Bryan is a cutie patootie. He just always seems so happy and grateful. 
  24. ----------------------------- And now for the other half of the show that reminded me about almost everything I hate about the music industry right now------------------------
  25. *10 seconds before the Michael Jackson hologram performance* It's not even on yet and I already hate it. *10 seconds into the Michael Jackson hologram performance* Nope! *Turns off the television and sits in silent anger* This man killed himself trying to entertain us and y'all dare to milk him dry even in death? I will not. 
  26. I am still sitting here in silence. It's gonna be a minute. 
  27. *Fifteen minutes later* Thank God Brandon just reminded me that Robin Thicke is fixin’ to go all Keith Sweat on us trying to get his wife Paula Patton back because my TV was still off.  I wasn't sure if I was going to turn it back on either. 
  28. Melissa:  "Country songs have great lyrics. What does urban radio get? 'These hoes ain't loyal'" *Face palm*
  29. Wait. Hold on. Is anyone black performing? That’s still alive????!??? Oh Jason Derulo and John Legend? These are our black, I mean, "urban music" representatives tonight? No slight against John Legend of course. No, I didn't forget anyone. *blink* *blink* Moving on. 
  30. I am here for Lorde, her spastic movements, her Terrence Trent D'Arby hat, all of it. Go girl. This new generation wants to clown Lorde for not being a Barbie doll but if you grew up with Robert Smith from The Cure, you ain't shook. 
  31. Robin Thicke finally won an award & after so many years together with Paula Patton, she isn’t there to experience this with him. This business, man.
  32. Hey I like "Cruise"!*Shrugs*
  33. Jason Derulo is on doing these wack songs and I want to be mad but I have to remember something: I have always stood by my theory that the state of R&B started declining the moment Billboard decided to combine the R&B and Hip Hop charts. It has affected radio and the quantity of new R&B music that actually gets heard. I could be up all night explaining this theory but I have to be at work not only tomorrow but just about every day this week. It would take me all week to explain and debate this probably so I will quit now. 
  34. Am I the only person not shocked over this Miley Cyrus and Flaming Lips duet of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"? If you know a little bit about The Flaming Lips, this is normal. Also, Miley Cyrus performed "Wrecking Ball" at the AMAs with a clip art photo of a cat against a backdrop of a screensaver from Windows 98 in the background. I expected this just the way this is. 
  35. Kelly Rowland. In this dress. Yikes upon yikes. I'll be over here eating ice sandwiches on crackers. Thanks. 
  36. About Robin Thicke's performance of "Get Her Back": Well I am glad that this wasn't a sad song with him at the piano giving us more Marvin Gaye/El DeBarge falsetto realness drenched in pleading and tears. Honestly I am one of Robin Thicke's worst critics but I am also one of his biggest fans. I have been for a very long time and seeing him like this hurts my heart. If he and Paula Patton don't work this out...Lord help.  Fix it Jesus! Fix it Iyanla!!!! 
  37. They are now giving Jennifer Lopez the Icon award and she really does deserve it.  I always forget about Maid in Manhattan and Wedding Planner! She deserves this! I don't know this new song she is doing.  I really wanted "If You Had My Love" to happen but no one asked me so.... 
  38. My mom while Jennifer Lopez is performing: "Eh well." *Goes back to playing Candy Crush* Mama Mae is not here for any of these shenanigans on tonight. She has seen James Brown. She is not impressed. 
  39. Jennifer Lopez just performed HARD and yet her makeup is still flawless.  How is this possible?! I can't walk through the Wal-Mart parking lot with 80% humidity without my makeup sliding off!  Where is the justice?
  40. From being a Fly Girl on In Living Color to Janet's backup dancer and beyond. Go girl. Speaking of In Living Color, I didn't hear her thank a Wayans brother, Rosie Perez, or anyone from the In Living Color era. Eh well.  We don't ever really know the status of famous people's personal relationships.  Keep that in mind while y'all are out here calling Solange crazy for going all "I've been waiting to hand you this behind whoopin' since 3rd period Algebra" on Jay Z.

Well between that Michael Jackson hologram foolery and Robin Thicke, I am glad that the next Hot Mess Championships aren't for a little while.  This show had me in my feelings so bad.  Floors open. What say y'all?


Patrice said...

These are some of my favorite posts by you! So hilarious! I have nothing to say about the #MJHologram. Nope. Nothing. Other than that I saw nothing else of the show, but was just waiting for your recap. xo

melkel said...

I'm dead!!! This was hilarious!