Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Try- Toya



"Try" by P!nk just shuffled onto my playlist. Alecia will minister if you let her. 

So I guess I'll start writing again too.

In a post earlier this week, Tia talked about how it is essential to her well being if she writes consistently. The same may be true for me. It's easy to keep things inside now that I am away from everyone because I moved back home to get my life together. However in doing so, I feel like I am keeping a lot of things locked up like my creativity and well, the desire to express my opinions on things because I just happen to like the sound of my own voice apparently.  Unfortunately,  I have found by not expressing myself, I mull things over and over and over and over again in my brain be it in the shower, in my car.... on the train hoping that what I have said in my mind I did not say outside of my mind. You know what I mean. What others call crazy talk, those that often talk to ourselves just call it working it out.

My mom has set up a little office in the house that I am now making my own so I can work. She'll discover this when she  comes home to see that I have moved her clutter into a box and have already hung up some motivational quotes on her walls with Scotch tape. Here's the first one I posted today that I heard during a TED talk called "How to Make Stress Your Friend":

"Chasing meaning is better for your health than trying to avoid discomfort."- Kelly McGonigal

It is hard to start dreaming again and doing things you once enjoyed when you believe that you have screwed up your life beyond all recognition and restoration. This hit me when I took a long walk into Center City Philadelphia last week. I walked past the subway and just kept going for some reason.  I have said that I have no desire to live in Philly but then I came across some cute brownstone apartments. I was then reminded of how I have always wanted to live in the city in one of those. I was also reminded how there is no way outside of winning the lottery right now that I could afford one and then I almost burst into tears. It was then that I discovered that I had completely let go of the dreams that I used to have because I thought that all of my mistakes had made my life a complete failure. Unbeknownst to me, my "hiatus" from pursuing anything fulfilling at the moment was just me giving up.

At 39?  Really? You're just going to retire at 39 huh? 

As I walked around I realized that I had placed a death sentence upon myself. I struggled to remember what my dreams were and why because I had completely swept them under the rug and out of sight. I got my butt  kicked so badly last year that my goal for this year was to simply stay above water and not be a mess. That was all. Don't try to thrive. Just try to survive. Anything else is going to send you to the crazy house. The fear of moving forward had crippled me so badly that for two straight weeks I couldn't even update my resume.  That's why that quote by Kelly McGonigal hit me like a ton of bricks. I have now come to grips with the fact that if you want to do anything in life other than just exist, you can't walk around trying to avoid discomfort. I can't hide from the uncertainties of life. I can't walk around being afraid of anxiety attacks.  I can't keep myself from moving forward because I am scared to fail and scared to go back to a dark place. Because after you go through all of your reasons to not move forward like your failures, your third, fourth, and fifth chances, and all of your regrets, fears and disappointments, what do you do when you still manage to wake up the next day?

You give yourself a clean slate. Sometimes every single day.

You scream "No" when fear and doubt start to creep into the room.

You put your pride and shame away and ask for help; even when everything in you wants to make it seem like you have everything under control.

You forgive yourself for every single mistake no matter how careless or far reaching.

You learn to trust yourself all over again.

And then you try.

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