Sunday, April 20, 2014
Confessions - Tia
I want to finish the 30 days of Blog but I'm in a funk.
I often read The Bloggess' blog and she struggles with some emotional things and is very candid about it. I can't tell you how many times I've read something that she's written when she's been depressed and painfully honest and it's made me feel better. I say all of that because I genuinely think that I'm in a similar boat. And for some reason, even though I'm feeling like crap today, I feel the need to spill my guts about it. So here's some real time confessions regarding what I'm feeling right now.
- I'm counting the minutes until the sun goes down so that I can go to bed. It feels wrong to go to bed while the sun is still up. But I really don't want to deal with this day anymore.
- A guy that I haven't spoken to in YEARS popped up on social media last week and made me realize that I still feel some kind of way about him and about what happened between us. (He was my prototype: everything I thought I wanted in a guy.) But I'm too scared to try to reach out because I'm afraid he'll be honest and tell me why he stopped being in my life and I think the rejection all over again will be a little too much for me.
- I'm not sure when it happened but I'm genuinely afraid that I've made too many wrong choices and will never get married or have kids.
- I'm unclear on how I'm an introvert but my love language is quality time. Shouldn't I be okay with being alone?
- I hate the fact that I have no one I can call and say, "You want to hop on a plane to (insert destination here) next weekend?" I'm not balling or anything but I have some disposable income and almost 5 weeks of vacation at work. I'm pretty sure I only earn about 3 weeks a year (I'm not totally sure because I've never run out.) But if that number is correct, that means that I took very little time off last year and carried over a lot of vacation days. And traveling alone is pretty lame, so I don't go anywhere because I have no one to go with.
- I think that I legitimately have some level of clinical depression. But I'm hesitant to get help because I don't know where to begin and I don't trust easily. So the idea of PAYING to spill my guts to a complete stranger scares me. (Doing it for free on the internet is easy.) I'm also still trying to shake the "stigma" of mental health issues especially from the aspect of the church and the black community. Neither have ever been very welcoming or understanding when it comes to depression and the like.
- I know it's ridiculous that I'm afraid of what others will think about how my mind works. Especially since I sought professional help in my 20s. I think part of me just feels like a failure for not being able to be consistently "okay" mentally. And I don't want anyone to know that I'm not doing "okay" right now.
- I realize that a lot of what I just said revolves around fear. I don't like that.
- I'm calling a counselor tomorrow to get something scheduled. I know I can't continue like this. I gotta get some help.