Sunday, April 20, 2014

Confessions - Tia

I want to finish the 30 days of Blog but I'm in a funk.

I often read The Bloggess' blog and she struggles with some emotional things and is very candid about it. I can't tell you how many times I've read something that she's written when she's been depressed and painfully honest and it's made me feel better. I say all of that because I genuinely think that I'm in a similar boat. And for some reason, even though I'm feeling like crap today, I feel the need to spill my guts about it. So here's some real time confessions regarding what I'm feeling right now.

- I'm counting the minutes until the sun goes down so that I can go to bed. It feels wrong to go to bed while the sun is still up. But I really don't want to deal with this day anymore.

- A guy that I haven't spoken to in YEARS popped up on social media last week and made me realize that I still feel some kind of way about him and about what happened between us. (He was my prototype: everything I thought I wanted in a guy.) But I'm too scared to try to reach out because I'm afraid he'll be honest and tell me why he stopped being in my life and I think the rejection all over again will be a little too much for me.

- I'm not sure when it happened but I'm genuinely afraid that I've made too many wrong choices and will never get married or have kids.

- I'm unclear on how I'm an introvert but my love language is quality time. Shouldn't I be okay with being alone?

- I hate the fact that I have no one I can call and say, "You want to hop on a plane to (insert destination here) next weekend?" I'm not balling or anything but I have some disposable income and almost 5 weeks of vacation at work. I'm pretty sure I only earn about 3 weeks a year (I'm not totally sure because I've never run out.) But if that number is correct, that means that I took very little time off last year and carried over a lot of vacation days. And traveling alone is pretty lame, so I don't go anywhere because I have no one to go with.

- I think that I legitimately have some level of clinical depression. But I'm hesitant to get help because I don't know where to begin and I don't trust easily. So the idea of PAYING to spill my guts to a complete stranger scares me. (Doing it for free on the internet is easy.) I'm also still trying to shake the "stigma" of mental health issues especially from the aspect of the church and the black community. Neither have ever been very welcoming or understanding when it comes to depression and the like.

- I know it's ridiculous that I'm afraid of what others will think about how my mind works. Especially since I sought professional help in my 20s. I think part of me just feels like a failure for not being able to be consistently "okay" mentally. And I don't want anyone to know that I'm not doing "okay" right now.

- I realize that a lot of what I just said revolves around fear. I don't like that.

- I'm calling a counselor tomorrow to get something scheduled. I know I can't continue like this. I gotta get some help.


Alexis said...

Kudos to you for realizing that you need help and taking the steps to receive it. I recently read an article that talked about black women receiving the least amount of mental health care due to stigma, and due to the lack of mental health professionals who are black women themselves. I too wish that there was more understanding of this from the church perspective.

You're in my prayers Tia. I know you'll bounce back :)

iggystar said...

This post could be a diary entry of mine five years ago. All of the reasons you mentioned kept me from seeking help, including feeling that depression was a weakness. My biggest apprehensions: As a religious person shouldn't I have enough faith to work through this? As well as, therapy means I'm crazy, right?

I got tired of not wanting to wake up and just wanting to go back to sleep once I did, so I made that call. Spilling my guts to a stranger was liberating and helpful and while therapy and medicine hasn't changed my days into all flowers and sunshine, the combo has given me a level of "normal" to deal with life with a better perspective. I don't have to fight through my days like I used to.

Depression is an illness. God doesn't expect one to pray away diabetes. One can't use positive thinking to rid themselves of heart disease and this is no different. There's no shame in sharing your emotions with a professional. You can feel better. You can improve the quality of your life.

I don't know you personally but just from your blog posts you've made me want to hang with you! BLGU has often brightened my day, made me laugh and feel good that there are other girls like me in the world. Because of this I was moved to post this lengthy reply to tell you that you deserve to have relief from the wet blanket of sadness.

Taking the first step is an achievement. Be patient with the next ones, but please keep taking them.

iggystar said...

Oh, please excuse grammatical errors! I got all caught up in the actual post.

Lei said...

So proud of you sharing your heart like that. There is a stigma attached with women of color and getting helping with our inner selves. Your post could be the boos a whole lot of us need to do the same. :)BIG HUGS. Been following you guys for it seems for almost 10 years and you both never cease to amaze me.

melkel said...

Thank you for sharing. It isn't always easy to share feelings. Especially in a public forum. But I (and the rest of your readers. I think I can speak for them), appreciate you for it. You don't know who you helped by opening up. Maybe you should reach out to the man that was in your life. AFTER you speak to a professional. Of course. Your feelings are raw right now.
P.S Traveling alone isn't lame. Trust me. It is fun with a significant other, family, or friends. But can be fun solo too. Try a day trip solo one day.

E. said...

You're doing for me (and probably many others) what The Bloggess did for you. I'm in a similar situation where I feel like nothing is working or will ever work. I don't mean to say misery loves company, but seeing it written down and more or less on display here is a help to me. Thank you.

Skyline Spirit said...

pretty nice blog, following :)