Monday, November 25, 2013

The Hot Mess Championships- The 2013 American Music Awards

Any explanation for this yet?

Y'all, it really wasn't all that but I didn't want to let anyone down.  So here it is, my annual play by play of this year's American Music Awards Hot Mess Championships.
  1. The show is opening up with Katy Perry singing her latest single "Unconditionally" off of her new album Prism.  "I will love you unconditionally. There is no feeeaaaaar noooow!"  Praise Him Katy!!!! I mean...look. Everything in me wants this to be a worship song, I swear. Where's Hillsong with the remix? 
  2. So Lil' Mama is the surprise guest on TLC's performance?  She did her thing in that biopic as Left Eye but I was kind of hoping for a hologram. I'm not gonna lie. 
  3. I'm glad that Pitbull is hosting because I really need to believe that he is good at something...else.
  4. R. Kelly? Nelly? TLC? Is this the American Music Awards from 1997?
  5. I like Pitbull tonight y'all! Oh Lord the sky is about to part isn't it?
  6. Justin Timberlake is so foolish! I tend to think that he is a bit on the cornball side (his music balances it out) but he is cracking me up.  It's quite obvious that he has outgrown the room.  I know what though:  he better get most of what he is nominated for tonight.  Y'all will give Justin Timberlake his just due for that"Pusher Love Girl" masterpiece. Oh yes you will.
  7. The one singing lead in One Direction is the only one I know. They could replace all of the others and I would never know it. Do I like this song they're performing because it sounds like Mumford & Sons, Lumineers,  ie. what I like to call "Colonial Music"? The jury is still out on that.
  8. Ariana Grande is singing her little 90 pounds wet heart out right now and y'all are gonna learn today.  Sing Lil' Mariah!!!! Okay this really does look like 1997 with Mariah Carey singing with Boyz II Men on BGV's. Where am I???!?! 
  9. Seriously how many endorsements does J-Lo have?!
  10. Say what you will & know I don't care but I so wish that Justin Bieber was performing one of those #MusicMondays joints at the AMAs.  They are giving me 90's R&B slow jam realness and since that is rare nowadays, I will take it where I can get it. 
  11. So Rihanna just accepted an award looking like she is fresh from out under a hooded dryer.  She's going to unwrap her hair before she performs, right? I mean... 
  12. Oh! I'm about to get MY life! ImagineDragons!!!  Umm...those two songs in this medley are not in the same key but...well, okay! *GETS CRUNK* *Throws bows*
  13. I'd like to take this time to remind everyone that this one time Bobby Brown, The KANG of R&B, hosted the AMA's and did a wonderful job. Don't ask me why I felt the need to bring that up, I just felt that I needed to bring that up. 
  14. Red is not a country album. Sincerely, a Taylor Swift fan. 
  15. *Commercial break* Back to Rihanna's hair. I miss Lottabody Wrap 'n Tap. That was everything to me and my Toni Braxton haircut in the 90's. Back to the AMAs.
  16. Michael presenting with AKON...for the Hip Hop category. What kind of alternate universe are we in?! 
  17. When I tell you that Macklemore CAMPAIGNS?!?!?!? He uses his platform well. He brought up Trayvon Martin, gay marriage, Free Lil' Boosie, I mean, everything!
  18. Naya Rivera's body is so disrespectful to every piece of pizza I just ate. 
  19. Well I guess it wouldn't be fair if we didn't let Pitbull perform since he's hosting and all. This song with Ke$ha is not the business. I will say that I'm not used to Ke$ha not looking dirty like she just rolled around in baby oil and glitter in a 7-11 parking lot. Someone just asked if that was Brooke Hogan singing with Pitbull. That just blessed me!!! 
  20. NO. ONE. SPEAK. DAVE.GROHL. IS. ON. YES. SIR. And with Joan Jett!!!! Listen, I live for what is happening right now! What do y'all know about The Runaways?! 
  21.  I totally forgot that Marc Anthony and J-Lo aren't together anymore! I was wondering why they weren't sitting together! 
  22. Come on Memphis! I knew that Justin Timberlake wasn't dancin' for y'all tonight. He made it clear that he needs his post 30 year old rest at his show in Nashville a few weeks back.  WHO is on the organ SLAYING????!!!!!!! This organ player has me rockin' like a church mother on the front row!!!!   The fact that we just let Justin Timberlake church us off of a song about alcohol is just ridiculous but it is what it is. He and that band killed as always. 
  23. Someone said that the organ player was Twinkie Clark and projectile tears came out of my tear ducts for about five minutes straight. I can't even deal with that.
  24. And now for my guiltiest pleasure of 2013.... Florida Georgia Line! Look everyone is allowed one!  Oh and they brought Cornell Haynes with them. I've never liked this "Ride with Me" song but I'm a sucker for nostalgia so *Dougies*
  25. Ariana Grande won the New Artist award??? Vote, children!!!!! Good for her! Her album is so good!
  26. So people really have an issue with Macklemore bringing up Trayvon Martin because he's white? Damned if you do, damned if you don't I suppose.
  27. Bill Mahr is presenting the Icon award to Rihanna and called her the voice of our time. Huh? I am so spent with mainstream media right now.
  28. These bedazzled bobby pins in Rihanna's head are giving me Women's Day at Greater Grace First Missionary Baptist realness and I am 50 shades of perplexed right now. Who on her team thought this was a good idea? They are usually so on point!  Is she saving her hair do for the after party?
  29. Okay she means this performace. I'm sorry but Rihanna is giving me Whitney (minus the voice) right now in her movements. Don't stone me but it's real. I am loving this.
  30. Rihanna’s mom just came out and gave God the praise during her presentation to Rihanna. I want to make a connection between that and where those bobby pins came from but I shan't. Not in this moment. Let me be sensitive.
  31. Darn right I want Miguel to win this R&B Male Artist award. I voted for him too. 
  32. Aaaaaand of course Justin Timberlake won.  Y'all remember when George Michael won for Best R&B Artist back in the day? Yup!  That. 
  33. Macklemore's "Can't Hold Us" song makes me want to march to City Hall. This is my jam!!! 
  34. Someone please tell me what Ryan Lewis of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis does. And is that not Sean Kingston singing the hook?
  35. I will never get over not seeing Fall Out Boy at Ryman. Ugh!
  36. Y'all know who votes for these awards repeatedly right? Okay. So we can only be so disappointed. 
  37. The Celia Cruz tribute performed by Jennifer Lopez: Stay right here in this lane, Jennifer. This is where I like you. You do THIS. I'd go see her do this in Vegas over "Love Don't Cost a Thing" ANY day!
  38. So Robin Thicke just isn't going to win tonight for his "If you love Marvin Gaye then you'll like..." summer hit huh?  In the words of the late, great Michael Joseph Jackson, "You can't win, you can't break even and you can't get out of the game." Tough on ya!  To be clear, I have wanted Robin Thicke to win something for every single album EXCEPT this last one, A Beautiful World on up.  I just can't stand his music now. 
  39. I've been waiting for years to get back to where I could take Christina Aguileira seriously again.This performance makes me happy. These Mickey Mouse kids are letting us have it tonight.
  40. Since we just got done being all sensitive, I miss Drake. Where is he tonight?
  41. Gaga's performing with R. Kelly tonight? I can't believe I am about to voluntarily watch that.
  42. *Two minutes later* Like...I'm watching this on purpose though.
  43. I like the music to their song but the lyrics to it are so lazy! I don't know why but I expected more from a woman that has dressed up as pork chop & the man that has given us 500 chapters of Trapped in the Closet. 
  44. I really really really wanted this TLC performance to work but it just doesn't.  It's time for these ladies to let it go. I hate that for them but it's just time. While I am rooting for her in life, Lil' Mama did not do a good job performing. Maybe they should have done a medley but I seriously think that would have worn them out. 
  45. Miley Cyrus is closing out the show in a two piece. She has a strong "G.I. Joe part" doesn't she?
  46. This acid trip of a backdrop. I just... She's singin' though. She tears this song up every time.
  47. Okay that performance is so reflective of her career. She's talented but her talent is often overshadowed by cartoonish antics. I need her to explain that kitten but I am almost afraid of what the explanation is going to be. 
  48. Taylor Swift, I love you and Red is good but it DOES NOT have "Pusher LoveGirl" on it. Between Taylor Swift and Justin Timberlake, there are at least two awards that they are going home with that they both know they do not deserve. 

    Well that's it y'all. Those are my real time thoughts on this year's AMA's. The show was pretty lackluster but as always,it was hard to look away. Well, except during Lady Gaga and R. Kelly's performance when I went in the kitchen and got myself another helping of pumpkin cookies. I'd rather be trapped in the closet than watch that foolery. Thoughts?


Ivey said...

Rihanna's hair! The first time she went up, I was thinking "Is her hair wrapped? I can see the bobby pins! She's gonna take that down, right?" Then when she came up to perform I thought "She added rhinestone bobby pins?!" I wouldn't have expected her hair to look like that to accept an Icon award. And she thanked her glam team!

Patrice said...

Your recaps melt me. Number 32 had me dying. Sharing this with the world. xo