Thursday, August 15, 2013

Well, which is it? - Tia

How my morning went:

*opens Facebook. Sees ANOTHER friend announcing a new addition to their family. "We'll be welcoming our first baby, (insert name here), in 2014." closes Facebook.*

*opens Instagram. Sees breathtaking video of cloudless day in LA shot by a single, childless friend who is "just living." closes Instagram.*

*screams into the air and goes back to work*

Hi, I'm Tia and I have no idea what I want.

I don't know what happened to me. I can't even begin to put my finger on it. But somehow I have turned into the most indecisive person ever. I used to have it all planned out. But now, I can't call it. Maybe it's because none of my plans have worked. Maybe that's why I change my mind daily about where I want to end up in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. Let me attempt to explain my rambling thoughts in a coherent manner.

Today, I don't want to be married. Today I want to finish work, grab a latte and walk through Camden Lock Market or drive up to Mulholland Drive and watch the sun go down.
Basically, I want to be some place shiny and exciting. I want to take full advantage of being childless, unmarried and essentially live like I don't have a care in the world.

Yesterday, just 24 short hours ago, I was sad that I wasn't a wife, that I didn't have kids, that I was sleeping alone. Yesterday I wanted a home life.

It is infuriating trying to keep up with my whiplash inducing mood changes. One day I want one the thing, the next day is something different. And I think the thing that drives me the most crazy is feeling like I can't do anything to get either situation. I can't make myself get married and have babies. (God knows I've tried.) And while being a homeowner is awesome, it's also anchoring. I can no longer just pack my stuff and move to whatever city suits my fancy. So the question becomes: Why can't I be satisfied in the lane I'm in?

I think part of the problem is that I'm barreling toward 40 and I feel like I have nothing to show for 4 decades on the planet. No husband/kids. Not nearly enough stamps in my passport. No exciting life stories. No decisions that have made an impact or changed the world for the better. Just...a lot of days that look the same. (I'm aware that I sound like a pretentious, ungrateful brat right now. I'm okay with that until the end of this post.)

Part of me is terrified that if I get what I want I'll hate it. There are days when the thought of domestic life, day in and day out of the same thing, soccer games, PTO, bake sales and the like make me want to vomit, grab my passport and run. Then I think about waking up in Rio. The sun on my face. Unlimited possibilities for the day with no one beside me and only myself to answer to...and the thought of how lonely I would be with that life crushes me. What the hell is wrong with me?

I have no idea what to do. And my days are starting to run together because nothing seems to be changing. I feel like I should be doing more life and I don't really know how to change that or where to begin. I want to stay up all night driving around the city to see what happens once the sun goes down. I want to stay home and bake for the kids. I want to catch the train to some place new for the weekend. I want snuggle up with him on a Saturday afternoon and watch Love Actually. I want to take a surf class and then drink margaritas all afternoon. I want us to serve in the nursery at church on Sunday morning. Apparently, I want it all. I guess I just need to figure out how to go get it. Maybe not all of it. But I'm certain I can attain some of it. Whatever IT turns out to be.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find something to do for the weekend because frankly, I've had enough.

Cheers, y'all!!


Christina said...

I completely feel where you are coming from. I'm a bit of an overthinker. Sometimes I feel that when things don't happen how we planned them, then we can start to overthink about why. I have always wanted kids. I'm married and we have been trying to have kids for 8 yrs but no luck. Some days, I really want kids and am sad that it hasn't happened for us. Other days, I'm glad I don't have kids because I can leave town to go see a show or take trapeze classes or just chill when I get home. Then I wonder if that's why I don't have kids because I'm torn between the freedom of being able to do what I want and the desire to have a kid. Life can be really confusing at times.

iggystar said...

There's something about 40 that causes one to evaluate the past decades, size them up and wonder, "What just happened here?"

But in the end sometimes it's not the grand strokes, but the smaller ones that count for the sum of having a great life, of being accomplished, yes those three stamps in the passport mean that you're well traveled, having and maintaining a wonderful friendship is an important part of a legacy.

Also, for a person who finds great delight in the written word, when I find those who grace me with wit, laughter and make me wish I were a better writer myself, I feel that is an amazing feat to feel great pride it. This blog has done just that, you two have managed to consistently unleash creativity unto the universe and that's nothing to sneeze at.

In the end, there's so much life to live, some blessings just fall into your lap at the most unexpected times(that British husband perhaps?), some things you'll just do, like learn to surf on a whim and in the end you'll find that you'll get to have it all (well, if not most) everything you've wanted even if what you want is prone to changing. Personally I think that's a trait of persons who are open-minded and smart because they allow unlimited possibilities to become opportunities.