How my morning went:
*opens Facebook. Sees ANOTHER friend announcing a new addition to their family. "We'll be welcoming our first baby, (insert name here), in 2014." closes Facebook.*
*opens Instagram. Sees breathtaking video of cloudless day in LA shot by a single, childless friend who is "just living." closes Instagram.*
*screams into the air and goes back to work*
Hi, I'm Tia and I have no idea what I want.
I don't know what happened to me. I can't even begin to put my finger on it. But somehow I have turned into the most indecisive person ever. I used to have it all planned out. But now, I can't call it. Maybe it's because none of my plans have worked. Maybe that's why I change my mind daily about where I want to end up in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. Let me attempt to explain my rambling thoughts in a coherent manner.
Today, I don't want to be married. Today I want to finish work, grab a latte and walk through Camden Lock Market or drive up to Mulholland Drive and watch the sun go down.
Yesterday, just 24 short hours ago, I was sad that I wasn't a wife, that I didn't have kids, that I was sleeping alone. Yesterday I wanted a home life.
It is infuriating trying to keep up with my whiplash inducing mood changes. One day I want one the thing, the next day is something different. And I think the thing that drives me the most crazy is feeling like I can't do anything to get either situation. I can't make myself get married and have babies. (God knows I've tried.) And while being a homeowner is awesome, it's also anchoring. I can no longer just pack my stuff and move to whatever city suits my fancy. So the question becomes: Why can't I be satisfied in the lane I'm in?
I think part of the problem is that I'm barreling toward 40 and I feel like I have nothing to show for 4 decades on the planet. No husband/kids. Not nearly enough stamps in my passport. No exciting life stories. No decisions that have made an impact or changed the world for the better. Just...a lot of days that look the same. (I'm aware that I sound like a pretentious, ungrateful brat right now. I'm okay with that until the end of this post.)
Part of me is terrified that if I get what I want I'll hate it. There are days when the thought of domestic life, day in and day out of the same thing, soccer games, PTO, bake sales and the like make me want to vomit, grab my passport and run. Then I think about waking up in Rio. The sun on my face. Unlimited possibilities for the day with no one beside me and only myself to answer to...and the thought of how lonely I would be with that life crushes me. What the hell is wrong with me?
I have no idea what to do. And my days are starting to run together because nothing seems to be changing. I feel like I should be doing more life and I don't really know how to change that or where to begin. I want to stay up all night driving around the city to see what happens once the sun goes down. I want to stay home and bake for the kids. I want to catch the train to some place new for the weekend. I want snuggle up with him on a Saturday afternoon and watch Love Actually. I want to take a surf class and then drink margaritas all afternoon. I want us to serve in the nursery at church on Sunday morning. Apparently, I want it all. I guess I just need to figure out how to go get it. Maybe not all of it. But I'm certain I can attain some of it. Whatever IT turns out to be.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find something to do for the weekend because frankly, I've had enough.