Monday, August 26, 2013

The Hot Mess Championships: The 2013 MTV VMAs

This is the ONLY visual memory I want to have from last night's debacle.

THIS mess. *Sigh* I am so troubled by what I saw last night for so many different reasons and on so many levels. The show was horrible first of all. From a production standpoint it was TERRIBLE. They never got the sound together and the flow was just awkward. And the performances? I have so much to say and not enough time say it so here we go with my play by play in real time.

1.  During the pre-show a pre-pubescent fan on the red carpet won tickets to tonight’s show. Me: “Nooooooooooooooooo!!! Don’t give those tickets to a CHILD!” This is not going to end well.

2. Who is this Becky G? Is she a contest winner that got a makeover from Covergirl? She’s a new artist who is endorsed by Covergirl? Seriously, I don’t know anybody anymore. I am having such a hard time keeping up with these children.

3. Pharrell, my teenage dream, just rode in with a bike gang looking awesome sauce at 40’s old. If someone would forward me Pharrell's and Sade's skin care regimen, I'd thank you kindly.

4. Tweet from @MissJia: Pharrell's face outchea naturally glowing like the Vaseline face your mama gave you when u were attempting to go to school w/the ashy cheeks.

5. WERQ Taylor! Let me tell y’all something: I’m about tired of y’all shading Taylor Swift for unsubstantiated reasons. Not every song she writes, not even the majority I believe, are about breakups. She also writes some really good love songs. If you are going to hate, fine, but hate knowing the facts.  That’s just some wasted Hatorade right there.

6.The show’s beginning with Lady Gaga. We are at Brandon’s house out in the woods somewhere. I wonder if I have some time to go sacrifice a possum real quick and smear its blood over the doorpost of the house and the top of the television. I already feel vexed.

7. You know what? I am completely serious about this. There are times where I can’t look directly at Lady Gaga. I have to look past her. This opening is one of those moments. Did she just come dressed up as a molar? I am so confused right now.

8. Someone please tell me when I can look.

9. Ooooooh! Okay so what is happening is that she is getting dressed on stage? So she came out as a blank page? What? Anyway, she is now doing costume changes (and makeup changes) onstage which is pretty neat.This whole performance still looks like struggle though, I’m sorry. Kudos for dancing with a bum hip though. She’s got heart. I just don’t think I am ever going to get it and that’s fine.

10. EVERY time One Direction comes on I go "Now who is this?"

11. Selena Gomez just won and there was a collective“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT” that just erupted in the room. I like her. She appears to be grown. I don’t understand how some of these child stars grow up and to show that they are grown, they start removing their clothing. Babies run around with no clothes on, not grown women. Grown women own things. With that being said, I’d like for MileyCyrus and Amanda Bynes (and shoot even Christina Aguileira) to please see Raven Symone and Tia and Tamera Mowry as references and then come back to me with a report.

12. I don’t know who is tweeting for People Magazine tonight but they are shading NON STOP. RT @peoplemag: Selena beats Miley. Guess all that twerking was for naught. #VMAs

13. Janelle Monae won for Best Choreography!Justice!

14. And then….it happened. I don’t…I guess I…ummm.  People Magazine just tweeted that this performance is what a Build a Bear Worskshop looks like in hell.  Hmm. I’ll start off with this: This proves that money can't buy happiness & good sense because that Hannah Montana money is LONG, first of all. Secondly, I am completely furious and this is why:I get being racy. I get being salacious. We have all seen that before. But what makes me so angry is to not have enough respect for your art form to at least perform well. Even with all of the raunchiness we’ve seen from Gaga, Madonna,and Nikki Minaj, at least it was executed (fairly) well.  If Miley Cyrus showed up to your high school talent show and performed like that, she’d be booed off of the stage. This is hands down just a crappy joke of a performance. THAT’S what I am more angry about than anything. This isn’t a performance. It’s just an utter waste of time in hopes of being provocative. I don’t even understand why she even came out here in the first place.

15. Okay even MTV is not buying that “I didn’t say Molly, I said Miley” foolery. They just censored her. This is just…

16. You know what Robin Thicke? I don’t even have enough time to go into how I feel about this. His participation in this foolery deserves a separate entry all together but I will say this: Sometimes after a decade long career, the absolute worst thing to happen to some people is to get a number one hit. I get wanting to expand your fan base beyond the urban charts but don’t completely alienate your core audience. Furthermore… yeah I don’t have enough time to go into this. I have lost a lot of respect for Robin Thicke over this mess and will be watching his career with one eye squinting. Cocaine is a hell of a drug and so is the desperation for success. He needs to fire whoever told him that this was a good move.

17.  Wait did, either Robin or Miley actually sing or did I already block that out?

18. This is one of the worst produced shows I have seen in a long time.

19. Is EVERYBODY high? I really want to believe that this whole award show is part of a new DARE campaign.

20.“Remind me to never let my kids into showbiz.Thanks.”- Nick Cannon.

21.I just realized that no one is hosting this year. Is that why this show seems to have no direction? The flow is so odd this year.

22.  Jared Leto from Thirty Seconds to Mars is introducing Kanye West. Listen I still live for some Jordan Catalano. I don’t care how old he gets.

23. Kanye means this. I don't know exactly what"this" is but he means this.

24. Someone said that Kanye West looks like the dancer in the opening of Living Single. I hate The Internets.

25. Kanye’s performance is my favorite so far. He’s all heart. NO THIS DOES NOT MEAN I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING HE SAYS, DOES, OR CALLS HIMSELF. Did I make that clear enough?

26. And now the moment we have ALLLL been waiting for:Justin Timberlake’s performance with the *fingers crossed* “surprise” Nsync  performance!

27.So you are just going to come out slaying from the hallway? Okay Justin. Y’all gonna learn tonight.

28. Speaking of learning, Justin needs to teach a masterclass on how to go from boy band star to being an artist that is taken seriously across the board. You can grow up and not show out. That’ll preach to somebody.

29. Is Justin Timberlake doing all of this in an ascot? Sir I salute you.

30. JOEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I just screamed myself hoarse. Joey Fatone is still married right? I’m just asking. For a friend. That is all.

31. This sound is horrible and won’t let JC begreat. The devil is too busy tonight.

32. Stop. Showing. Taylor. Swift. Please. And I'm afan.

33. I can’t be mad that Justin Timberlake gave Nsync the Destiny’s Child at the Superbowl treatment. You can’t just hop back into Darren Henson’s dance moves after ten years. These things take time y’all.

34. This bromance between Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake is adorable. They are giving me Arsenio Hall and Eddie Murphy realness right now. I didn’t realize how many hits Justin Timberlake had until they ran them all down. Even though it seems a little early to me, I get why they are giving him this award.

35. Here goes Kevin Hart not hosting again.

36. Totally did not expect to see Jennifer Hudson come out during this Macklemore performance.

37. Kim Kardashian has tweeted that Kanye West had the best performance of the night. Listen I am all about “stand by your man”but she should know better than to tweet that. Someone has already tweeted her that she must be suffering from post partum depression. *Sigh* Ya’ll.

38. Besides that 20 minute commercial promoting Justin Timberlake's upcoming tour, i.e. his performance tonight, this is the worst #VMAS ever.

39.I love when Drake sings. He's so tender. Come on in here Wheelchair Jimmy.

40.Drake’s “I wear every single chain even when I’m in the house” is my favorite lyric of the year, I promise. I crack up every single time. This song is my guilty pleasure of 2013 for sure.

41. Someone said that Rihanna is in the audience making faces like Pearl from 227. I just can’t.

42. For the record, bloggers & others alike,don't be out here speaking out against bullying & then say horrible things about the Smith kids. It’s not right. Let those kids be kids.

43. Bruno Mars is up here talking about having sex like gorillas and even though that is preposterous, he has slayed everyone in the vocal department tonight. Not hard to do but he is slaying nonetheless. Sing sir.

44. Whose COGIC piano player is playing for Bruno Mars right now? These chords!

45. This new Katy Perry song is CUH-UTE! I’m about to put this on my workout mix. She did that! I like what she is doing in this performance with the whole boxer in a ring “Eye of the Tiger” moment.

46. Katy Perry is doing some sort  of jump rope routine during the breakdown. Not that I should compare the two but P!nk would have been singing & jumping rope though. And she would've actually fought somebody. Not that I am trying to compare though.

47. Wait. Is Lady Gaga closing the show? Oh the show started over???? That’s it? This is the WORST produced VMAS of all TIME!

What on earth did I just witness here? *Sigh*The floor is open. What’ y’all got?


WallysKid said...

#16-18, I totally co-sign. What in da HELL was he thinking with that?!?!? He just made me mad.

Christa said...

This post is CLEARLY the best doggone thing about the VMA's! LOL! I thank you, I salute you! You gave me LIFE with this post and I might I add that I didn't even watch the show! I have only seen Miley's foolraggedyness online. Thank you for saving me from looking at anything else associated with this hot mess!

Candace Blackstock said...

why- would - i ever - watch an award show?!! this is miles more entertaining! I loooove reading your recaps as they are sooooo much better than the show could ever be! Oh if this had your...hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!thank you!

Shaamora Harden said...

I so look forward to your Award Show recaps. Totally agree with you on the Robin Thicke/Miley Cyrus collab being a bad idea. Someone's getting fired for sure. I must say, I really loved Bruno Mars' performance. The Special Effects and Light Show was sick. Didn't really listen to the lyrics until the day after lol but still thought he had the best set and he saaanng the mess out of that song.

Patrice said...

Love your recaps! And I have yet to see the dang show. But I feel sufficient simply reading this post.

3, 14, 16, 19, 28, 39 had me dying, 41 had me laugh out loud and 44 got me as well.

Thank you.

Lei said...

speaking of Katy Perry. Has anyone seen her new video for Roarr? I love the song and love the video more. I really love that chick. I hope John M. treats her good.