Since I was about 8 years old I've wanted to be a wife and a mommy. So being closer in age to 40 than 30 and childless is often a bitter pill to swallow. My birthday was last week and I cried most of the day. I have a great job. I just bought a house. I'm almost out of debt. My life isn't too shabby. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to get married. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to see what half of me and some guy's DNA looks like mixed together.
Basically, sometimes I'm sad and bitter and feel hopeless and anxious and worried and angry. I make no apologies for that. I try not to swim in my feelings. But sometimes I let them have me. And like Forrest, that's all I have to say about that.
*Reading* Day 1's Challenge: Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
I am currently in a very passionate relationship with Skippy Natural Peanut Butter. That's about it. It's pretty hot and heavy too and chockful of protein. WIN!
No but really this is a hilarious challenge for the first day because lately my idea of a healthy single life and relationships just got turned upside down due to a recent blog post that has been all over The Internets lately called "My Husband is Not My Soul Mate." I have always thought that my views on relationships and marriage were pretty realistic but this rocked my world. I encourage you to read it especially if you grew up a Christian. Basically the author talks about her experience as a young Christian woman who bought into a lot of the stuff I've bought into about The One and preparing for The One. To the author, there is not just one person for everyone. You choose the one and you choose them every day. The fairytale of The One and actually choosing the RIGHT one are two completely different frames of thought. There's The One (fairytale) and then there's The One You Choose (reality). When this hit me I almost did a 180. I realized that I wasn't as open as I thought I was to have fun with people because I was waiting for this "One". I went from being really sacred and protective about things to "Oh I am about to go out here and make some sexy
See I had been told for a long time (by mostly older ladies in church) "Get yourself together because when he comes" or "you don't want to miss him when he comes" and so on and so forth. I honestly thought that there is one exactly right person for everyone and when you meet things just click. Things aren't perfect but they click. So I've been just living my life thinking that when the time is right, the moon is bright and the good Lord finally sees fit, we will run into each other and he will be at least 80% of the things that I said that I want in a guy. Because you see, I have a list written out. Because you see that's what I was told to do. Because you see, God is Santa Clause. Make sense?
Now we all have preferences and qualities that we are drawn to and that's cool. But what I am realizing is that in my life I have been really lazy about dating because I have not been honest with myself about my options. The fact is I don't know anyone! Now to people that know me, this does not make any sense. If there is one thing I hear almost every week it's "Toya knows EVERYBODY". I may know a lot of people but I don't know a lot of eligible men. I know like...four? Okay maybe five. Regardless none of them have said anything to me about getting down so there's that.
I attribute this to my social circle. I am around a lot of musicians and a lot of struggling creative types that are either in love with music, in love with themselves or both. It is what it is. It just never occurred to me that if I, Toya, want to date, then I, Toya, need to be real about my circumstances and be pro-active. No I am not going to start asking men out. I don't want any man I have to pursue. What I can do though is put myself in different environments where I can meet men if I actually want to date. I am going to have to try and start putting forth some effort. I am going to have to get out of my comfort zone. I may even need to start online dating. I may even need to do speed dating!
Being a grown up is just...good grief!
I guess what's blowing my mind is how logical this all is:
You want Thing A.
You are not around Thing A.
You still want Thing A?
Then find out where Thing A is and be there.
Excuse me if you all knew this and I didn't. I've always been a bit of a late bloomer.
I think I have had the idea of waiting to be chosen drilled in my head so much that it never dawned on me that I had choices to make myself. How can you choose if you are not around any choices? I have always said that I am open to dating but I have never been so open that I have stepped outside my circle to do so. Sometimes you have to do some things you wouldn't normally do to get what you want if it is truly what you want.
I still am in whirlwind of sorts with so much going on in my life so I won't be setting out to put myself out there anytime soon. Not saying that if the right guy came along I'd give him the runaround. I'd make time for a good guy. I just can't make this new "Hide your brothers, hide your uncles, Toya's ready to start dating" agenda a priority right now. I said this week that if I am not seriously dating anyone by the time I am 40, which is the end of next year, then I will really make a go of it because for the first time in my life I realize that it is truly up to me.
Until then I am sweet on Skippy Natural Peanut Butter and Skippy Natural Peanut Butter is sweet on me.