Friday, September 7, 2012

The Hot Mess Championships Commentary is Back! My Play by Play of the 2012 VMA's

Let me first just say that this year’s VMA’s weren’t really that bad. They were underwhelming but I seriously did not come away as grieved by modern day pop culture as I have in the past.  So since I was able to stomach it, here’s my play by play commentary of the show:

  1. Rihanna’s opening the show. I can’t wait for to tell me what’s so dark-sided about this stage set up.
  2. Is this a dance break? Wait, are there even any words to this song? What’s happening right now?
  3. YES!!!! They just broke out into “We Found Love”! This laptop is keeping me from doing a really epic disco spin right now. I LOVE this song!  I seriously wouldn’t mind if every ceremony opened or ended with this song right here. It’s one of my favorites.
  4. Ri Ri is giving us adlibs tonight! That last note was really ambitious! It wasn’t bad just brave.  Hey when I get a fresh haircut I suddenly think I can do things too so…okay!
  5. What Drake thinks about Rihanna is absolutely none of my business but oh I would have loved a thought bubble over his head right there. I know that’s messy. Please forgive me.   Actually just save your forgiveness until the end. I’ll need it.
  6. Kevin Hart has destroyed me with this security team of little people. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! Some people weren’t feeling his monologue but I thought a good part of it was hilarious, especially the part about the Chris Brown and Drake beef? And do we really call what they had beef? Can we call it beef lite? Soy patties? Never mind.  I loved his spiel about everyone making mistakes.
  7. It took me a long time to get on the Katy Perry train but I think she is a true artist and I dig her now. I really do.
  8. The day my life depends on me telling One Direction and The Wanted apart will be my very last day.
  9. Their little "You Don't Know You're Beautiful" song is precious. I'm glad they won.  Radio needs more songs like that. Can we get some more R&B boy bands to sing songs like these? I think the only R&B boy band out right now is Mindless Behavior. Am I right? Oh and don’t mistake this as a plea for Pretty Ricky to come back.  Uh uh.  
  10. Simon Cowell discovered One Direction too??? Let me hold somethin' until my first payday in October, Simon! October 2016 but October nonetheless.
  11. Is there even going to be a Whitney tribute? An MCA tribute even???
  12.  I don't care what y'all say, Kevin Hart was hilarious.
  13.  From Abbie: Nicki Minaj will do the Whitney tribute in that metal get-up from The Bodyguard. *runs away* . Me: TREASON!
14.  That Lady Gaga commercial came on and I looked around the room and asked "WHO SAID BEETLEJUICE THREE TIMES???  Don’t play like that!"

15.  Miley Cyrus looks great. However had I not seen her during the pre-show, I would've asked why she just introduced her own performance. She looks so much like P!nk now.
16.  Alicia (P!nk) sings, y’all. Point blank.
17.  GABBY!   
18.  Why is there so much cussin' in pop music though? What about the babies?! Shoot what about me? I don't like it.
19.  Is no one in the audience feeling P!nk’s performance? She gave them Cirque De Soleil, blew confetti at them and not one person has flinched.
20.  Wait, One Direction won again? Justin Bieber’s fans are slippin’.
21.  My friend is schooling me on Calvin Harris. I really dig him so far.
22.  This just happened: "I really think that Frank Ocean is overra...THIS IS MY SONG!!!!"
23.  That performance was perfection. Absolute perfection. One for the books.
24.  Can someone remember the last time an R&B male singer sang for real for real on the VMA's? Not saying it didn't happen. I just don't remember when it happened last.
25.  How old is that Irish boy from The Wanted? I'm asking. For a friend. *looks awkwardly around*
26.  That Rashida Jones/Adam Sandberg bit was hilarious and full of Drake shade if anyone was wondering.
27.  Drake dedicates his award to all the kids who have felt like outsiders in the world: “Aaw he’s so sensitive!” Then ends his speech with “B%$#@!”: *Sigh* “And then…”

28.  That bit with Kevin Hart and Dwight Howard was HILARIOUS!!!! The difference in height between them is absolutely bananas. If the TV would have been on mute, it would’ve looked like a Big Brothers Big Sisters endorsement. “I’ve recently become a Big through Big Brothers Big Sisters and as you can see, I’ve brought my Little with me to the VMA’s. Say hello to Kevin.”
29.  Okay so one of these boy bands are performing but I missed the intro so I’m lost. I still can’t tell them apart. Is this The Wanted or One Direction? Until I can tell them apart I will here by referring to them as The One Wanted Direction.
30.  Let me make something clear right now: One Jordan Knight > One Direction + The Wanted+Every Jonas Brother in AND out of the group, you hear me? *Bill Clinton voice* ARITHMETIC!
31.  They must have a Back to School line out at Kohl’s that they are promoting right now because these babies did not get dressed for their performance AT ALL.
32.  Okay The Wanted just came out and the only distinction I can make is that The Wanted is taller. That's all I've got.
33.  Nicki Minaj just accepted her award and I think she may have just gone into one of her other personalities. Look, if she starts manifesting on my screen…*looks for oil*
34.  This Lil’ Wayne/2 Chains performance is unfortunate and too long. That’s really all I have to say about that.
35.  I may/may not be tearing up over these Janelle Monae Covergirl commercials. So dope.
36.  I knew I was getting old when I found out that Billie Joe from Green Day was somebody's dad. Punk has to grow up sometimes.  They’re rockin’ out tonight! Can I get a segue into "Brainstew" though?
37.  That's it for MCA??!! That's it????? A POX on MTV, Viacom and whoever authorized a 3 second tribute to MCA & 15 minutes of 2 Chains. Are you kidding me????  And you know what else?  Hold up: I'll continue being angry about this as soon as Common's commercial goes off.
38.  Nothing for Whitney, Donna Summer or anyone else huh?  I really need to believe that the reason there have been no tributes after 2012 being the year where we lost so many in entertainment is because they didn’t want to cut into the president’s speech. After all, they did move the show up an hour. I’ll calm down until I hear otherwise.  So mad.
39.  The Twilight cast is up. *Counts cast members* I feel like someone’s missing here.  I know, I know. That was messy. Like Kevin Hart said tonight, everyone makes mistakes. Moving on.

40.  Oh my goodness, remember Ke$ha y’all? She cleans up nice! I didn’t even recognize her.  She looks like a figure skater!  The fact that the cameraman immediately cut to Amber Rose proves that he/she shares my sentiment that they appear to be wearing very similar outfits.
41.  From Billboard on Twitter: I'ma let you finish, Wiz Khalifa, but Beyonce had one of the Best #VMA Pregnancy Reveals OF ALL TIME!!!!
42.  Alicia Keys is on and I really don’t understand this song as her first single. An anthem for the girls’ Olympic gymnastic team? Absolutely. A single though? Not so much. Oh and look Gabby Douglas just came out and did a backflip! Perfect fit.

43.  I’m beginning to hear what people have been saying about Alicia Key’s vocals for quite some time. I think I’ve been giving her what I call “Singer/Songwriter grace”.  Sometimes when someone is pegged as a singer/songwriter, their vocals aren’t really the focus so they are given room for error because their songs are the focus. I mean she writes nice songs, y’all! I feel the weight of about 20 side eyes in my direction already.
44.  Rihanna doing that Whitney Houston church hop as she accepted her award seems to be as close to a tribute as we are going to get tonight. She even shouted "VMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA's!" like her and it blessed me. If she jumps up and down while shouting “Waterfalls waterfalls waterfalls!” I am OUT of here.
45.  I love me some Taylor Swift. Yup. Don't care. I have an inner 15 year old girl that is going HAM right now.  This is definitely my least favorite song of hers though.

And that’s it! See, I told you this year’s awards show was pretty underwhelming. No crazy antics and not too much worth mentioning. Pretty tame overall. Now what did you think about the VMA’s?


Taryn Hardnett said...

I didn't get to see the VMAs this year due to lack of cable but your post makes me want to see it. I dying laughing at "Waterfalls, Waterfalls, Waterfalls!"

John said...
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