Monday, September 17, 2012

File this under: Things I'm Not Here For - Tia


Last week I came back from vacation in Puerto Rico only to promptly get sick and feel miserable. It seems wrong to spend several days in a warm, tropical environment relaxing and then come home and feel like crap.

I say all of that to say maybe the reason my tolerance level for the new crop of judges is so low is because I feel like warmed over mush. Or maybe it's just because this is the worst assortment of people I've ever seen ever selected to judge a singing competition.

There is so much "I Can't" in this picture that I don't know where to begin. I can't with Nicki Minaj's hair. I can't with Mariah's "This heifer is sharing the screen with MOI" smile. I can't with Seacrest's "I'm going to need way more Prozac to get through this" look. I can't with Randy even being okay with this cacophony of people. I can't with the randomness of Keith Urban. I. JUST. CAN'T!!!

I basically tapped out on Idol when the winners all pretty much became indistinguishable. I couldn't tell you who won after David Cook. Just insert white, guitar playing male under the shower of confetti at the end of the season and you have a winner. Doesn't matter who he is as long as he's white and is a singer song writer type. You could basically walk the streets of Nashville on any given day and find your next American Idol. And that is pretty boring.

So despite Idol's desperate attempt to trump up viewers with this sad array of singers...performers...people on the judge's panel, it's unlikely I'll be watching. For now I will continue to be blessed by the shade thrown by Demi and Britney on X-Factor. My goodness, those two throw the best side eyes, shade and general disdain that I have seen in a while. And I must confess that I am truly blessed by it.

I rewound Demi saying, "Nope" at 3:10 no fewer than 10 times. Bless you sweetie and the shade you throw.

Monday, September 10, 2012

New Music: Alicia Keys "Not Even the King"

I'll be honest. I really didn't care for Alicia Keys' "Girl on Fire" when I heard it on the radio last week.  However, I really liked this new song at the first listen. This is the lyrical video for her new song "Not Even the King" off of her upcoming album Girl on Fire releasing on November 27. I don't know if there are plans for an official video but I love this one just the way it is. What do you all think about her new song?Oh and let us know what you all have been listening to lately? I'm always looking for new music to get into. Lord knows the radio is no help nowadays.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Toya's Coffeehouse Musings

It's been a really long time since I've done one of these things.  If I would just shut my laptop at this Starbucks and read then I probably wouldn't be prompted to do this. But since I can't manage to get off of The Internets, let me post some of my random thoughts.

1. Are there any other writers out there that have to always listen to something specific when they write?  I write for a few other blogs besides this one and I almost always have to turn on It's my absolute favorite thing to listen to when I am working. I've found out about a lot of artists that I have come to love through this station like Reel People, 4 Hero, Zo, Daley, Sy Smith, Aya and most recently, Mar. Check it out if you need some smooth vibes to listen to if you want to lounge or just work. I seriously don't know how I'd still be into any new music if not for the internet.

2. I need people to stop using the word "bitch" like it's a pronoun. Seriously. It's bad enough that people have been brainwashed to think that they can take the N-word and make it into something magically delicious. Now we have people thinking that "bitch" is not only a term of endearment but up for discussion as if it should be considered derogatory in the first place. What happened to common sense?

I remember when I was watching a video on Youtube of the guys who did "Teach Me How to Dougie".  They were, well, teaching people how to Dougie when I noticed that what was playing was unedited. The original goes "Teach me to Dougie, you know why? Cause all the bitches love me."

Wait. What? What and WHY?

*Sigh* I can't tell you how fast I wanted someone to UNteach me how to Dougie but by then it was too late. Celine Dion could come on right now in this Starbucks and I would slick go into a covert Dougie. Crazy and downright unfortunate.Anyway, if you haven't seen this video by the uber-talented Lupe Fiasco, please do. He explains how I feel about this topic better than I ever could.

3.  Tonight is my friend's bachelorette party (Side note: Why won't my spell check recognize the word "bachelorette"? What is really going on here?)'s at a pole dancing studio. Yeeeaaaah more on that later. And I keep wanting to look this place up online but there are people around me. Awkward!

4. Am I really the only one who absosmurfly loved Frank Ocean's performance of "Thinking About Forever" on the VMA's? I keep hearing people say that he was off and pitchy. It's the only thing he's done that I've ever liked. Eh well.

.5. Some of y'all probably think that I have completely dropped the ball on reviewing the last chapter of Quitter. Tia finished her review decades ago.  I've been sitting on the last chapter. It's hard to read a book like that and not feel like you need to make some decisions about your life.  In the bible when David wrote a Psalm, he would write the word "Selah" meaning to pause and reflect.  Well with Quitter, there needs to be a word for "Take that and rewind it back." I've been "selahing" on this book for a really long time. Reason being, I started the book thinking that I wanted to be a Quitter and do one thing and by the end of the book decided I wanted to be something else. I almost feel like I need to read the book all over again!

6. Lord willing I will be 38 in December. Thirty...eight. *Blank stare* I've found a few more wrinkles but no gray hair so far. Somebody give the Lord a hand praise.

7. This time last year there were a ton of divorces. This year there have been a ton of weddings. I think that's great. It's easy to get discouraged when you see so many people breaking up. My parents just celebrated their 42nd wedding anniversary. They've been together for 46 years.  When my mom was my age, she as married for 18 years with a fourteen and an eight year old. Child, if I didn't think that these people in Starbucks would call the law, I would Holy Ghost shout all over this place. I am not about that life! However the life that I am about? I need to keep making moves towards that. Quickly.

8.  There are two guys that I have internet stalked been wondering about lately that I used to know. One I am not entirely sure is still alive. Yeah, I don't think I want to know. I'm good.

 9.  There is not one Starbucks that I've ever been in that did not have a fly problem in the summertime. Not a one. 

10.  This week I had my first Diet Coke in five months. I gave them up cold turkey because they really are awful for you. I had a can a day habit. You know you have a habit where you feel awful after you drink a Diet Coke but you keep drinking it because you really feel awful when you try to give it up.  Well this week was a really difficult week for me and I was constantly trying to hold it together (more on that at a later time).  I was on the edge of crying or snapping or both every day. Well, the last straw was an incident I had in traffic where my car wasn't accelerating like it should (adding to the stress) and the woman behind me was doing some...gesturing.  I put on my hazards and motioned her to go around me. There were no cars coming.  Instead she decided to stay behind me and throw up gang signs or whatever.  I don't know what she was doing but it wasn't nice.

Now I was already on my way to Burger King for a veggie burger (if it weren't for their veggie burgers I would have long forgotten that Burger King even exist anymore) and I knew I needed to make a decision. Pull over and get some caffeine to take the edge off, which could totally be a psychosomatic reaction, or park my car in traffic as we approach the light, get out, blackout, and find myself behind bars when I came to. Hey you can take the girl out of Jersey but you cannot take the Jersey out of the girl.  I decided to get over to the turning lane in order to not make any eye contact even though it would force me to take the longer way to Burger King (Rather a longer way to Burger King than a short way to jail).  I pulled up to the window and said "I'd like a veggie burger, no mayo with a Coke, a Diet Coke, A Diet Cherry Coke."

I regret nothing.

Friday, September 7, 2012

The Hot Mess Championships Commentary is Back! My Play by Play of the 2012 VMA's

Let me first just say that this year’s VMA’s weren’t really that bad. They were underwhelming but I seriously did not come away as grieved by modern day pop culture as I have in the past.  So since I was able to stomach it, here’s my play by play commentary of the show:

  1. Rihanna’s opening the show. I can’t wait for to tell me what’s so dark-sided about this stage set up.
  2. Is this a dance break? Wait, are there even any words to this song? What’s happening right now?
  3. YES!!!! They just broke out into “We Found Love”! This laptop is keeping me from doing a really epic disco spin right now. I LOVE this song!  I seriously wouldn’t mind if every ceremony opened or ended with this song right here. It’s one of my favorites.
  4. Ri Ri is giving us adlibs tonight! That last note was really ambitious! It wasn’t bad just brave.  Hey when I get a fresh haircut I suddenly think I can do things too so…okay!
  5. What Drake thinks about Rihanna is absolutely none of my business but oh I would have loved a thought bubble over his head right there. I know that’s messy. Please forgive me.   Actually just save your forgiveness until the end. I’ll need it.
  6. Kevin Hart has destroyed me with this security team of little people. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! Some people weren’t feeling his monologue but I thought a good part of it was hilarious, especially the part about the Chris Brown and Drake beef? And do we really call what they had beef? Can we call it beef lite? Soy patties? Never mind.  I loved his spiel about everyone making mistakes.
  7. It took me a long time to get on the Katy Perry train but I think she is a true artist and I dig her now. I really do.
  8. The day my life depends on me telling One Direction and The Wanted apart will be my very last day.
  9. Their little "You Don't Know You're Beautiful" song is precious. I'm glad they won.  Radio needs more songs like that. Can we get some more R&B boy bands to sing songs like these? I think the only R&B boy band out right now is Mindless Behavior. Am I right? Oh and don’t mistake this as a plea for Pretty Ricky to come back.  Uh uh.  
  10. Simon Cowell discovered One Direction too??? Let me hold somethin' until my first payday in October, Simon! October 2016 but October nonetheless.
  11. Is there even going to be a Whitney tribute? An MCA tribute even???
  12.  I don't care what y'all say, Kevin Hart was hilarious.
  13.  From Abbie: Nicki Minaj will do the Whitney tribute in that metal get-up from The Bodyguard. *runs away* . Me: TREASON!
14.  That Lady Gaga commercial came on and I looked around the room and asked "WHO SAID BEETLEJUICE THREE TIMES???  Don’t play like that!"

15.  Miley Cyrus looks great. However had I not seen her during the pre-show, I would've asked why she just introduced her own performance. She looks so much like P!nk now.
16.  Alicia (P!nk) sings, y’all. Point blank.
17.  GABBY!   
18.  Why is there so much cussin' in pop music though? What about the babies?! Shoot what about me? I don't like it.
19.  Is no one in the audience feeling P!nk’s performance? She gave them Cirque De Soleil, blew confetti at them and not one person has flinched.
20.  Wait, One Direction won again? Justin Bieber’s fans are slippin’.
21.  My friend is schooling me on Calvin Harris. I really dig him so far.
22.  This just happened: "I really think that Frank Ocean is overra...THIS IS MY SONG!!!!"
23.  That performance was perfection. Absolute perfection. One for the books.
24.  Can someone remember the last time an R&B male singer sang for real for real on the VMA's? Not saying it didn't happen. I just don't remember when it happened last.
25.  How old is that Irish boy from The Wanted? I'm asking. For a friend. *looks awkwardly around*
26.  That Rashida Jones/Adam Sandberg bit was hilarious and full of Drake shade if anyone was wondering.
27.  Drake dedicates his award to all the kids who have felt like outsiders in the world: “Aaw he’s so sensitive!” Then ends his speech with “B%$#@!”: *Sigh* “And then…”

28.  That bit with Kevin Hart and Dwight Howard was HILARIOUS!!!! The difference in height between them is absolutely bananas. If the TV would have been on mute, it would’ve looked like a Big Brothers Big Sisters endorsement. “I’ve recently become a Big through Big Brothers Big Sisters and as you can see, I’ve brought my Little with me to the VMA’s. Say hello to Kevin.”
29.  Okay so one of these boy bands are performing but I missed the intro so I’m lost. I still can’t tell them apart. Is this The Wanted or One Direction? Until I can tell them apart I will here by referring to them as The One Wanted Direction.
30.  Let me make something clear right now: One Jordan Knight > One Direction + The Wanted+Every Jonas Brother in AND out of the group, you hear me? *Bill Clinton voice* ARITHMETIC!
31.  They must have a Back to School line out at Kohl’s that they are promoting right now because these babies did not get dressed for their performance AT ALL.
32.  Okay The Wanted just came out and the only distinction I can make is that The Wanted is taller. That's all I've got.
33.  Nicki Minaj just accepted her award and I think she may have just gone into one of her other personalities. Look, if she starts manifesting on my screen…*looks for oil*
34.  This Lil’ Wayne/2 Chains performance is unfortunate and too long. That’s really all I have to say about that.
35.  I may/may not be tearing up over these Janelle Monae Covergirl commercials. So dope.
36.  I knew I was getting old when I found out that Billie Joe from Green Day was somebody's dad. Punk has to grow up sometimes.  They’re rockin’ out tonight! Can I get a segue into "Brainstew" though?
37.  That's it for MCA??!! That's it????? A POX on MTV, Viacom and whoever authorized a 3 second tribute to MCA & 15 minutes of 2 Chains. Are you kidding me????  And you know what else?  Hold up: I'll continue being angry about this as soon as Common's commercial goes off.
38.  Nothing for Whitney, Donna Summer or anyone else huh?  I really need to believe that the reason there have been no tributes after 2012 being the year where we lost so many in entertainment is because they didn’t want to cut into the president’s speech. After all, they did move the show up an hour. I’ll calm down until I hear otherwise.  So mad.
39.  The Twilight cast is up. *Counts cast members* I feel like someone’s missing here.  I know, I know. That was messy. Like Kevin Hart said tonight, everyone makes mistakes. Moving on.

40.  Oh my goodness, remember Ke$ha y’all? She cleans up nice! I didn’t even recognize her.  She looks like a figure skater!  The fact that the cameraman immediately cut to Amber Rose proves that he/she shares my sentiment that they appear to be wearing very similar outfits.
41.  From Billboard on Twitter: I'ma let you finish, Wiz Khalifa, but Beyonce had one of the Best #VMA Pregnancy Reveals OF ALL TIME!!!!
42.  Alicia Keys is on and I really don’t understand this song as her first single. An anthem for the girls’ Olympic gymnastic team? Absolutely. A single though? Not so much. Oh and look Gabby Douglas just came out and did a backflip! Perfect fit.

43.  I’m beginning to hear what people have been saying about Alicia Key’s vocals for quite some time. I think I’ve been giving her what I call “Singer/Songwriter grace”.  Sometimes when someone is pegged as a singer/songwriter, their vocals aren’t really the focus so they are given room for error because their songs are the focus. I mean she writes nice songs, y’all! I feel the weight of about 20 side eyes in my direction already.
44.  Rihanna doing that Whitney Houston church hop as she accepted her award seems to be as close to a tribute as we are going to get tonight. She even shouted "VMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA's!" like her and it blessed me. If she jumps up and down while shouting “Waterfalls waterfalls waterfalls!” I am OUT of here.
45.  I love me some Taylor Swift. Yup. Don't care. I have an inner 15 year old girl that is going HAM right now.  This is definitely my least favorite song of hers though.

And that’s it! See, I told you this year’s awards show was pretty underwhelming. No crazy antics and not too much worth mentioning. Pretty tame overall. Now what did you think about the VMA’s?