Monday, February 6, 2012
We Can Work It Out- Toya
Every single girl goes through it I'm sure. The point where you start to think that you're ready for marriage. The point where you will actually admit to yourself and maybe others that you actually want to get married. I am convinced that this is easier for others to admit than it is for me. Usually if I admit this, I immediately start thinking that perhaps I'm not busy enough. But nevertheless, the thought comes around sometimes. And sometimes right behind it, in as little as 48 hours, so does this thought: If I can't handle this, how on earth can I handle marriage?
Case in point, I am currently going through something with two friends. Without going into much detail, let's just say that I did something with the best intentions that turned out the worst way. I didn't get caught. I fessed up to it and now I am on the other end asking for forgiveness from the both of them. Forgiveness that I did not anticipate taking over a week (and counting) to receive. For some reason it has made me think about marriage. I often wonder how marriages fall apart and I can't help but think if these types of situations come into play. We've all seen marriages that we never thought in a million years could break up. We all wonder what exactly those "irreconcilable differences" are. Once we hear that one of those differences has nothing to do with infidelity, we are really left scratching our heads. What on earth could they not work out?
I recently found out that someone I know is now separated and I had no idea anything was even wrong. Last time I saw them with their spouse they seemed so adorable. You have absolutely no idea what's happening in people's homes. Side note: I need no one else in Alicia Key's "Unbreakable" song to break up. Kimora and Russell, Joe and Katherine, and now possibly Will and Jada? I'm just sayin'. Anyway, I had no idea their relationship was on the rocks. It's only February and this is the second break up I have found out about this year. I just wonder sometimes. What are the triggers? What are the red flags? Outside of infidelity and abuse, what are those things that people just can't or won't get past?
Although my situation is not with a spouse, it has made me think of spats within my parents' marriage. I've seen my dad apologize for something and then when he didn't receive forgiveness in what he deemed to be adequate time, he shrugged it off as if to say "Look I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you. Either you get past it or you don't. Either you see my intentions or you don't. I've said all I could. I already forgot what we were arguing about." That is so prideful! Yet... guess who I get my temper from. Yup.
I'm really concerned about how I am going to handle conflict in marriage. I am concerned about how I am going to handle being at the mercy of someone's forgiveness who I can't just cut my losses and move on like you can with a friendship. Men are a lot more sensitive than they let on sometimes. I fear that my patience will only go so far and my asking "What exactly are you upset about again?" will be followed by me spending several nights in bed alone. I will admit that when unchecked I can easily move into sarcasm. It's a defense mechanism. I can make jokes in some of the worse situations. From what I understand, when you get married you don't have to become a different person. You have to become a better person. Sometimes becoming a better person comes from situations where you realize that you have not been the best person you could have been in the first place.
So now my question is not "Why do people break up?" My question is "How on earth do they stay together?"