Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Countdown Part 1: The Severity of 37- Toya



This morning it hit me that (Lord willing) I will be 37 years old in less than two weeks. THIRTY. SEVEN. 

If you say the word "seven" out loud a few times you will start to realize how close that word sounds to the word "severe".

THIRTY SEVEN.

And  I freaked out. I mean, how long can I take a bathroom break curled up next to the sink before someone knocks on the door thinking I've drowned, freaked out. Now normally my freak outs concerning my birthday come in September around the time the season starts to change. I'm used to that. But today was a special kind of freak out. Because 37 is close to 40.  Much closer than it is to 30. And I swear no one else in the world is 37.  Tia and I have had numerous conversations about how that number is just...odd.

"Thirty seven just sounds so harsh don't you think?" I asked Tia while preparing for Thanksgiving. "You can't even divide it by anything! That's how alone it is."  "Thirty seven is only divisible by thirty seven." she laughed. "Actually it can only be divided by itself and one."  37 and 1. That could depress the hell out of you if you thought about it long enough.

I'm not tripping out about being thirty seven and single because I have always been of the mindset that as for me, until I am fully immersed in fulfilling my purpose and pursuing my passions consistently, a relationship right now would only be a distraction.  I'm cool with that.  What I am not cool with is that I can look back on this past year and see how I have talked myself out of numerous ventures time and time again because of fear.  Fear can punk you in numerous ways. One of those ways is when we consistently talk ourselves out of things, don't put a deadline on great ideas and pull out a bunch of excuses to put things to the side like we have all of the time in the world. I look back at some of things I wished planned to do and think "Did you not realize that you'd be turning 37 this year?"  I realize that dragging my feet has a lot to do with the fear of the unknown. You can't live life that way.

I didn't realize that it was fear holding me back until someone got in my face about last week. Literally.  They asked what I was working on and I told them a few ideas. "So what's keeping you from doing that?"  I didn't really have a legitimate answer. I guess to me I just fell out of love with some of these ideas and put no urgency on them. And then they let me have it.

"You are so f***ing dope but so f***ing wack at the exact same time!"

Sometimes people just have to put it where you live.

They went on to list all of these things about me that made me so...umm...dope and then explained that I was wack for not doing them yet.  "What do you need?"  they asked me. "Well I would need this and this."' "I can help you with that" they told me. "Now what else." They took away all of my excuses and when it came down to it, the only thing holding me back was myself.

So what am I doing about it?  I have reached back out to the people that have offered to help me so I am not in this same state on December 14, 2012 freaking out about being two years from 40.  I have also promised myself that after I have this pity party of remorse today that I am just going to do everything afraid.  I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect or great at things that I don't give myself the time I need to just improve over time. You have to respect the process and you don't respect the process when you stop the process.

Coming Soon: Countdown Part 2-  I Can Still Be Cool, Can't I?

3 comments:

Tiffani said...

Ummmmm....yeah...ummmmm..damn

lindalicious said...

i emailed you back regarding your question. love you. =)

Alexis said...

Ma'am! I need you to stay out of my head!!! I'm gonna be 27 on the 31st, and I've had a similar discourse about fear and what's holding me back. They say that there ain't nothin to it but to do it right? I guess it's time for us to get moving =)

Oh, and in other news, Love After War has indeed grown on me. I henceforth retract my statements about it being mediocre. lol