Am I the only one that hears the lyrics to R. Kelly's "Seems Like Your Ready" and wonders why there is confusion about what his, umm..."preference" seems to be? "Seems like you're ready...YOUR MAMA TOLD ME YOU'RE READY" ??? Okay.
This past weekend I went out to celebrate a close friend's birthday at a restaurant. It was a nice small gathering of fabulous ladies. As we all signed our separate checks for the evening, I noticed something that I had never noticed before about my signature. I signed it once and then took my copy of the receipt and signed it again...and again...and again. And frantically with delight, I signed it again. "Guys, my signature!" I said with joy. "My y's! My y's are different!" (I would post a pic of at least my first name but I am a little scared of putting my signature on The Internets.) I went on to explain that my cause for joy was due to a handwriting analysis I had years ago. Now mind you this wasn't some weird psychic kind of thing. I was working an event and a guy I was working with did handwriting analysis for the army. I heard others rave about how he analyzed their handwriting and how accurate he was. Since we were just standing around waiting for the audience to let out, I figured I'd give it a shot. I wrote my first and last name in cursive and handed it over to him.
After a few minutes he came back to me and barely able to get the words out, his face turned red and he started laughing. "Well first of all, someone has a very healthy libido!" Ok where is this going, I thought. "Your husband is going to be a very happy man." I'm sure this is very true but... *side eye*. When he finally pulled his giggles together, he got moderately serious. "Have you had a lot of relationships?" "Not really. Why?" He went on to explain that my handwriting, which is ridiculously bubbly, reflected that while I am a joyful person, I only let people get so close. I had trust issues when it came to my heart. He could tell of my apprehension about commitment due to how I wrote my y's. He explained that I completed every other letter with bubbly writing, but the stems of my y's were a short, sharp single line that only came down halfway.
I took the paper from him and began writing my name all over it desperately wanting to prove him wrong. I tried over and over again and to no avail, I couldn't change the way I wrote my y's. I didn't even know how to write the y's in my name any other way! I could write a y by itself but it took a lot of effort. The thing was I knew that he was right. He was terribly right.
But lately things have been different. As I am more comfortable with who I am and what I want to pursue, I'm not scared to have someone, the right someone, to go along the journey with me. In fact, I am really looking forward to it. I am more interested to have someone that compliments me and my purpose than to have someone come along to make right what others made wrong. Writer Shellie R. Warren said something recently that made all the sense in the world to me:
"Many people pick out of their pain than their purpose."
I've talked before on this blog about how crushing on the wrong guys had something to do with fear and control. I wasn't scared for things to not work out because I was in control (so I thought). But for the longest time there was a crippling fear of the right guy stepping up because then I'd have to make a decision to follow someone else. I am not going to say that the thought of that still doesn't frighten me a little bit. It's just that now I am willing to do it afraid and willing to go through the possible hyperventilation that could initially take place. And if he's really the right guy (and the right guy for me is kind and has patience because he is going to need it), he's not going to run for the hills when I tell him that.
I didn't need the handwriting analysis to tell me that I had trust issues. I already knew that. I also didn't need to see my signature this past weekend to know that I was in a healthier place when it comes to relationships. It was just really nice to see on paper, literally, that I have come so far. It's nice to know that my heart is finally in good shape.