Monday, October 24, 2011

The Hangover- Toya

It has been a week since we posted anything and for that we apologize.  Tia's been out of town and in just one week I managed to experience the flu, "lady issues", an eye infection and my first ever mild hangover. 

I am embarrassed to say that in my entire 36+ years of living that I experienced my first (mild) hangover this past weekend.  Mind you I am not saying that I am embarrassed because I feel like this is something I should have done earlier in life.  I am saying that by this age you would think I'd be more careful.  This was purely by accident and due to carelessness. I was given some tickets to a wine festival and decided that while I didn't really care for wine,  I do indeed love free food. Since my very cultured and knowledgeable friend Tonya loves wine, I just knew that this would be a harmless win-win, outside of what it would do to my waistline. 

We journeyed together through the festival that night as she chose wines for me to sample that she figured would be appealing to someone like me who doesn't like wine.  Every sample was met with me giving her a blank stare and a shrug.  "They all taste like medicine" I replied.  They had buckets at each table where you could pour out your wine and rinse it out with water so you could experience more wine.  Some of the wine I poured out and some of it I just drank figuring that it wasn't much anyway (dumb idea).  Besides I was eating the entire time (dumber idea).  The food was delicious so all was not lost.  We made our way to some decadent chocolate, prime rib, shrimp and even blueberry cheese (chiiiiiiiile that thing was SO good!) And then...we got to the Moscato table. Now I've heard rappers and R&B singers brag about Moscato before so I was curious as to what the big deal was.   I was at a rap video shoot a few months back and it was the first thing they ran out of.  "Ooh I've never had Moscato before! Finally!"  At least four people stepped back in amazement when I said this. "You've never had Moscato before?" Tonya said. "I've been a bad friend." I let them pour a little in my glass and then I tasted it. "Are you serious? Are you for real right now? Is this what all these rappers brag about? This is the most punk frou frou wine I have ever tasted in my entire life! You should only drink this with cupcakes!" I couldn't believe it.  Every man who brags about drinking Moscato from here on out is getting a major Arnold Jackson side eye from me.  I mean, it's so...girly.  It's good, I guess. You know, like how Mountain Berry Kool Aid is good?

The Moscato evidently was in the section of dessert wines at the festival and it was there that I finally found my niche.  Tonya and I drank wines that were so sweet that they practically tasted like jam in a glass.  The combination of me drinking samples of wine that I didn't care for and then drinking about a half a glass each of the wine that I actually liked started to catch up to me.  I wasn't the only one apparently.  Tonya and I managed to make a friend named...let's call him Scott (his name may actually be Scott. I really don't remember his name at all) who we seemed to run into everywhere.  Scott was a flirt and evidently with a few glasses of wine so am I because both the eyelashes and the close talking went to bat.

Scott: "You know who you remind me of? Rashida Jones from 'The Office'. I like her."
(Translation:  You are a cute black girl that 'sounds white' making you totally desirable through my beer goggles right now.)
Me: After shooting a side eye to Tonya "I'm about twelve shades darker than her but...ok. I guess?"
Scott: "See?  You even say your S's cute like her.  You know how she has that lisp?"
Me: "I've been drinking!"

And that was when it got real.  Me who used to babysit everyone in college in my dorm room to make sure they didn't wake up with someone they'd regret being there, had too much to drink.  Me who has often sat on the other side of a "the day after" drunken confessional was giggling, dancing to a four piece cover band playing The Police's "Wrapped Around Your Finger" and drunk texting her best friend.

Me at the end of a highly philosophical text to Tia about what she needs to do with her life: "I hope that all made sense because I'm a little drunk right now."
Tia: " are YOU drunk right now?"
Me: "Just a little.  Also there is a guy here who thinks I look like Rashida Jones.  Apparently I'm not the only one who has had too much to drink."
Tia: "DEAD....Just...DEAD."

After freaking out over the fear that I had texted all of this to my father, I then proceeded to answer her in my mind.  Once I figured out how that in no way constitutes an actual conversation I picked up the phone and called.

Tonya: "Are you drunk dialing Tia?"
Me: "Listen...listen..."
Tia *Cracking up* "WHERE ARE YOU?!"

I managed to force the words out of my mind that I was trying to say to Tia as Tonya watched in tickled amazement.  For the first time ever I finally understand why and how people get drunk.  I never understood it before because I never had any alcohol that I liked that much before.  I get how people can get really caught up and just when I decided I wanted no parts of it one of the people who were amazed that I was a grown black woman who had never previously had Moscato found me. "Hey this is my friend who has chocolate wine at her table."

Yeah.  She said CHOCOLATE wine. It was a wrap.

Tonya drove me home.  Yes the wine drinker drove the non-wine drinker home. Luckily we carpooled.  Upon entering my house I saw my roommate who immediately could tell something was...awry.  I managed to recant this story to my roommate while leaning my head against the wall before making my way up the steps.  I soon fell asleep and about ten hours later, woke up and noticed that I still had on my "Please drink responsibly" wristband.  "Why in the world am I just noticing what this said?" I thought.  With a headache and nausea that I partially blame on the amount of food I ate, I went downstairs to find some breakfast.  It was then that I remembered this scripture:

29 Who has anguish? Who has sorrow?
      Who is always fighting? Who is always complaining?
      Who has unnecessary bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes?
 30 It is the one who spends long hours in the taverns,
      trying out new drinks.
 31 Don’t gaze at the wine, seeing how red it is,
      how it sparkles in the cup, how smoothly it goes down.
 32 For in the end it bites like a poisonous snake;
      it stings like a viper.
 33 You will see hallucinations,
      and you will say crazy things.
 34 You will stagger like a sailor tossed at sea,
      clinging to a swaying mast.
 35 And you will say, “They hit me, but I didn’t feel it.
      I didn’t even know it when they beat me up.
   When will I wake up
      so I can look for another drink?” - Proverbs 23: 29-35

Now all of those things are definitely true except I didn't wake up looking for another drink.  I woke up looking for cold pizza.  I got a slice and went back to bed. 

What I've learned: Apparently I am strictly a dessert wine drinker.  Chocolate wine is absolutely delicious and I am never to keep it in my house unless I desire an inevitable stint at Alcoholics Anonymous.  If I want it, it will have to stay at Tonya's house.  Also, I don't have expensive taste even when it comes to wine.  The $1000 wine they had on display smelled like butt cheeks and tasted like old feet.  Not to mention, the people that served it were rude.  I'd rather take it back to my college days and drink some Strawberry Boones Farm before I ever drink that again.  It was awful! Lastly, I'm a One Drink Wanda and I'm proud of it.   Just like talking around a lot of food without a pre-set limit often doesn't mix, access to all kinds of wine and talking without some sort of pre-set limit doesn't mix well for me either.  I can't hang. That's all there is to it.


Lei said...

Oh My Goodness!! "The $1000 wine they had on display smelled like butt cheeks and tasted like old feet." That is too funny. I am nervous about going on wine tasting trips, because like you I don't get drunk and dont' think its cute. Walking around tasting a little of this and that can definitely catch up to you. Arbor Mist is my cheap wine weakness. I will drink it like is is juice and have had the wobbly head affect happen. I only drink that at home just for that reason.

Niki said...

Hilarious! I guess I *will not* be inviting you to the winery with me LOL And yes..chocolate wine was sent here by the devil :o)

ATL Flick Chick said...

This is so like me. I am such a super light-weight when it comes to alcohol. I had half a glass of super delicious sangria during the XMAS holidays last year that laid me out until 3p the next day. Stay away from the Moscato, Girl!