When I was a kid, I would play "It's the Falling in Love" by Michael Jackson and would pretend to be Patti Austin who sang this duet with him. Thank God there was no Youtube back then.
I recently had a conversation with my dad in which he revealed that there is a married couple who are longtime family friends who had gone through a devastating time in their marriage. More specifically, it turns out that the husband had been involved in some…uh, “extracurricular activities”. My parents decided to not tell me who it was or the details because they feel that I would be devastated. I completely trust my parents in their decision and I appreciate it. Hey, I didn’t see Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video until six years after it came out because my parents know all too well how squeamish I am. I would probably have made my way to their bedroom in the middle of the night for weeks. To this day I cover my eyes at the end of the video right before Michael turns around with those scary werewolf eyes *shudders*. They know me and I trust them. Still, I tried my best to figure it out and based on what my dad told me I concluded that the couple was my “Aunt and Uncle” Betty and Ron (not their real names).
I LOVED my Uncle Ron. He passed away a few years ago. He was a ruggedly beautiful man’s man. He fixed cars and had the swagger of a cowboy. I remember what a man of honor he was and how he pursued my aunt during their courtship. I went over and over again in my head what the truth could be. Maybe he stepped out one time. Ok, I could forgive one time. Maybe he died and they found out he had multiple wives, multiple children and lived a duplicitous life. When on earth would he have had the time?! What if he didn’t die of cancer like they told me he did and died of AIDS? Finally after much speculation, I called Tia who knows me better than anyone and asked her if she thought I should put the questioning to rest and find out.
When I asked her she began very cautiously, “Toya, you’ve come a long way in how you feel about relationships and marriage. To be very honest with you, I was scared for you for a long time. You hated marriage. You even hated people that got married. ” Ok, that’s a bit of an exaggeration but I got what she meant. For the longest time I was anti-marriage because anything that required me to be legally bound with someone who also had free will was absolute prison to me. Prison! I swear every time I would hear vows at a wedding, I would hear a jail cell close in my head. She went on to say that the truth of the matter would send me all the way back to ground zero. She’s right. The thing is I love love. I even love the potential of love. But trust? Trust is scary. Terribly scary.
I’ve concluded that my feelings about love & trust are why I am able to crush on a guy who shows me attention yet puts forth little effort to really get to know me. It’s easy. It’s in my head and it stays there. I get all the fuzzy feelings with none of the problems. Yeah…that’s not okay. Sooner or later someone is going to call my bluff. They’re going to put forth the effort to be close to me and I’m going to have to try my best not to go into defense mechanism mode: like all of the sudden I am “too busy”, or the guy is too much of…something, or I can’t think about commitment without dry heaving so therefore this can’t be good for my health. And why am I so scared? Because I am convinced that when some women fall in love they have the potential to go certifiably, undeniably crazy. They don’t think straight. Their priorities get screwed up and they throw their lives away to hold onto something that is already way too high up on their priority list. I've seen too many women compromise their values for love. Rarely do they come back from that and if they do, the consequences are for a lifetime. You might say I am scared to fall in love but for me, I simply don't want to go crazy.
Just yesterday there were rumors flying around that Will and Jada Smith were separating. People were going HAM on The Twitter saying things like if they were getting divorced, then no one can stay together and everyone should be single. Look, I don’t know them. What I do know is that I have seen my own personal real life Will and Jada’s get divorced over a span of the past two years. I’d be lying if I said these things did not shake me. As much as I love love, I can’t fix the way I feel. Thankfully, it’s not up to me to fix it.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear expects punishment. The person who is afraid has not been made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18
Fear EXPECTS punishment?! I heard that at a wedding one time and cried violently as if a horse had kicked me in the back of my head. It was ugly.
The only way I know to work on this issue of trust is to ask God who is perfect love Himself to drive out the fear I have concerning relationships. It’s one of those things that you don’t know whether you are good at or not until the opportunity comes along. With that being said, this may indeed explain the “drought”. What’s the use of running into Mr. Right if you are going to smile in his face and give him the side eye behind his back? This is going to take a miracle. As the old folks say, thank God He is in the miracle business.
By the way, I found out that the couple wasn't my Aunt Betty and Uncle Ron. I mentioned them to my Dad and he said "Ooooh no. You're Uncle Ron was not that type of guy at all. If you thought it was them, you would REALLY be devastated if you knew who it was." I DEFINITELY don't want to know who it is now.