Sunday, July 17, 2011
Further Confessions of a Single Girl - Tia
I have a confession to make: Today was a bit hard on my singleness. I struggle to even type that sentence. Mostly because my pride doesn't want to admit that I'm lonely. It seems so weak to admit that. It also makes me feel ungrateful. I have a good life. I have a job that pays my bills. I have friends who love me. I have supportive parents. I'm able bodied. (Something that I think we often take for granted until we're afflicted with something.) Frankly, God has more than blessed me. And I am very thankful.
To step back and look at my life is to see someone who is in a good place. So I guess that's the reason why admitting loneliness bothers me so. Something in me feels like I shouldn't take pause over wanting a significant other in my life. But that is my desire. And as much as I've tried to beat it into submission, it still manages to rear up and seemingly at the most inopportune times.
Take today for example. My schedule was supposed to go something like this: bridal shower, baby shower, birthday party, additional birthday gathering. The overwhelming task of shopping for my BABY brother's pregnant girlfriend caused me to miss the bridal shower. And I must admit, I'm not all that sorry about that. I just wasn't in the mood for it to begin with. But the baby shower did not prove to be a bastion of safety for my loneliness either.
I arrived to find literally dozens of people at the shower. (Apparently my brother's girlfriend comes from a big family.) And, this is no exaggeration, with the exception of a handful of children and a couple of girls who looked to be about 19, I was the only person there who was unmarried and/or childless. Everyone and I do mean EVERYONE there was married and/or had baby/toddler/child in tow. For a brief shining moment, I thought one of the brothers of the girlfriend was single AND childless. But my balloon was dutifully punctured by a family member who stated that the brother was also expecting his first child.
Now PLEASE hear me: I am NOT even remotely ready to have a child. Five years ago, I would have told you something completely counter to that. But I don't know if it's the passage of time or maturity (two things that aren't necessarily the same) but the longer I go without children the more ill prepared I feel for them. I spent the better part of the morning shopping for baby stuff. It was overwhelming. It was tiring. It was EXPENSIVE. After today I am the proud captain of Team EmptyUtero. But something about the current lack of opportunity for children gnaws on the corners of my mind and plays evil tricks with my fears.
Fast forward several hours later and I find myself the 3rd wheel at a table of couples. A friend was in town for his birthday and I met up with he and his girlfriend. It was several minutes in that I realized that another one of our mutual friends was booed up with the new girl I didn't recognize. Also, in tow was the sister of one of the guys and her fiance. How did I get here?
While I didn't plan to, I suddenly became the odd girl out. And when the conversation briefly turned to if I was dating anyone, I inadvertently may have come across as the bitter single girl. I NEVER EVER want to be that girl. But the fatigue of the day was setting in as was the realization that I was the only one sans "Boo."
I welcomed the end of the evening and as I watched the couples disperse my thoughts turned to my recent dating life. I have been without crush, without dates and without boyfriend for a very, very long time. I don't know many single, straight men. (Is gay the new black in Nashville?) Most of the men in my age group are married with children. I wouldn't know where to begin to look for a date. And frankly, I don't feel that I should have to.
The only plausible explanation I can come up with is timing. I have to believe that it's simply not my time to be with someone. At least that is what I hold on to. Because otherwise, this extended singleness seems inexplicable.
But it's not so much the timing issue that bothers me. It's dealing the feelings in the interim. I don't know how to squash the feelings of being alone. I'm uncertain how to reconcile my feelings with my faith that there is a guy out there for me. I hate feeling alone when I know that there are so many people who genuinely love me that are just a phone call/car ride away. How is it that I feel that I miss someone I don't yet know?
My life is better than good. And I am fully aware that a boyfriend/husband will not fix everything. But that doesn't keep me from wanting one. So I guess the issue at hand is what to do with these feelings that cause me to randomly blog about singlehood at 1:30 in the morning. What's a girl to do? Normally I have a nice bow to tie up the post with. But at the moment, I'm really uncertain about what to do next. I will continue to work on being the best Tia that I can be. I will continue to my journey of faith in Christ. I will continue to foster every single thing that is cathartic and creative. And I guess I will continue to wait....and hope.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. - Hebrews 11:1