Friday, June 10, 2011

These Dreams- Toya
I love Heart.  Ann and Nancy Wilson are some bad chicks.

A good thing at the wrong time will ALWAYS be the wrong thing.

Last night I met up with some girlfriends at the Hookah bar to watch the NBA Finals game (Go Mavs!) Somewhere between biting my nails when the Mavs 7 point lead turned into them falling 3 points behind in the 4th quarter (they later went onto win thank God), we managed to get into a discussion about Sex and the City. I’m sure we aren’t the only girls to sit around and discuss which one of the SATC characters the others were or thought we were: a Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte or Samantha. Plenty women are a bit of both. While one of them is a Carrie with a bit of Miranda and the other a Samantha with a bit of Charlotte, there is no denying that I am straight up a Carrie. I even have my own versions of Aidan, Big, and Stanford. I don’t doubt that last night’s SATC conversation is why I had my second dream last night about my own Aidan.

I really, really, really hate that I had this dream and this is why: I am fine being single right now. I often say that I am grateful to be single at 36 because I have had plenty of time to learn from others mistakes. It’s only June and I have witnessed 6 divorces this year alone. But the worst thing about having dreams of Aidan (I will use this name to protect the innocent, now married father of 4) is remembering how it felt to be with him. Those arms belong to someone else. And maybe had I not left those arms for my own Big I would have …hold up:

Did Vertical Horizon’s “Everything You Want” just come on in my office??? Does my life ALWAYS need a soundtrack? Come on Jesus!!! This is NOT fair…

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why


I mean, that’s the gist really. My Aidan is the only guy that has absolutely loved and adored me and was not a train wreck; the only guy without glaring red flags that a relationship with him would end up in misery. He was cute, he loved Jesus, he was a gentleman, he was funny and well liked by everyone. The only thing he wasn’t was a challenge and because I was young, dumb, and stuck on stupid, I broke his heart and left him for my Big; a guy that could never be truthfully honest about how he felt about me until I threatened to move away. Does this sound familiar?  Unlike Carrie, I moved away and never looked back.  Best decision of my life.

The dream I had about Aidan last night was very similar to a dream I had not too long ago where I was dating someone that I was too busy for. In the past, I used to use the excuse of being too busy because I was scared of relationships. In the dream last night, I was constantly on my phone while Aidan was fixing things for me, installing things, and looking annoyed as he waited for me to get off of my phone so I could talk to him. In my dream he was married but didn’t have a ring on. I have no idea what that was about. What I do know is that I woke up, looked at my clock which said 5:30 am and rolled right back over. Normally if I have a dream I try to journal about it and pray to get some clarity but I had no desire to talk about Aidan at all. I’m not about to sit up here and drag up memories about another woman’s husband. “I need to get these feelings off of me” I thought, sitting up and then falling to the other side of the bed to get back under the covers. “This is not fair and it’s not right.” I then prayed for him, his family and his marriage. Perhaps that’s why I had the dream, I thought. I hadn’t thought about him in quite some time so maybe he needed prayer. I haven’t talked to him in ages and really didn’t know what was going on with him so what did I do? I went to my phone and did what everyone from the FBI to my internet spy of a father does to find dirt on someone: I looked him up on Facebook.

“Oh my God I know he is the best dad ever!” I thought as I saw him with his children. He was always so goofy. I know he is an incredible father. And his wife is as precious as I remember. As I looked through the pictures I remembered my mom saying that she saw him and his wife out at dinner. He asked if I was married yet and was surprised to hear that I wasn’t. “S&*#! “ I swore as I got out of bed to wash my deep conditioner out of my hair. “I need to do something about that. Wait…” And then it dawned on me: why was I so upset that he would ask that and I am still not married? This isn’t a race! My being married by now is not a statement saying “Well we weren’t meant to be but at least we each found someone.” It also wasn’t proof that I made a mistake because truth be told, it wasn’t until my late 20’s did I realize that I never wanted kids and he now has four. I am fine! Why am I trippin’?

Because dreams suck that’s why. They can dig up emotions against your will. In no way did I want to wake up remembering how it felt to be in the arms of someone who is now another woman’s husband ESPECIALLY when it has been a long time since on the other side of dream land that I have been in the arms of too much anyone else. Uh uh. Maybe these dreams have been warnings that if I don’t manage my time better and stop using the excuse of being too busy as I have in the past that I may pass up another really good guy. This is not a lesson that I want to learn again. I am pretty sure I got it the first time.

No, I didn’t add Aidan on Facebook. I don’t really intend to. Not now anyway. I’m still trying to figure this whole dream out and why it has upset me so much. There is one thing I am sure of though and that is I am on the right track.   It is obvious that the life I have now is the one I am supposed to have.  Losing a great guy because I was chasing after the wrong guy was a lesson that I needed to learn. Although he is a great guy  he wasn't supposed to end up being MY guy. A good thing at the wrong time will always wind up to be the wrong thing.   I don’t mind waiting because I have learned this year like never before that there can be peace in patience. I guess hearing Vertical Horizon’s “Everything You Want” right now isn’t so awful after all:

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

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