Monday, June 13, 2011

These Dreams: The Conclusion- Toya

Unable to shake my feelings about Aidan from my dream the night before, I decided to rent Sex and the City 2 from the Redbox, go get some ice cream and cry it out if need be. After taking entirely too long in the past to get over some things, I decided to put an expiration date on whatever “this” was. “I’m not dealing with this past tonight.” I thought as I was walking around the grocery store.

Yeah, that didn’t happen.

What happened was I had some ice cream and went into some sort of sugar coma, fell asleep with all of my clothes on and never even got to the part where Carrie met Aidan. I woke up the next day and headed out to a coffee shop to get my thoughts together. As I drove there I prayed “I need some clarity on this thing God because this is not ok.” I got to the coffee shop and started to write what I was feeling.  This is what I came up with:

The dream I had has nothing at all to do with Aidan.

And thank God because I was really having a hard time trying to explain to myself how I was having some familiar feelings for someone I haven’t been around for almost a decade who is now married. What I needed to remember was that often in dreams, things are symbolic. You can have a dream about someone and the dream may not necessarily be about that person.

In the dream I had, Aidan represents security, acceptance, and unconditional love; a big hand to hold, strong arms to get lost in and that magical kiss on the forehead that says “I get you, I got you, and you’re ok.” This dream makes a lot of sense because I am on the verge of embarking on some things that I have never done before; things that are going to require a lot out of me and I feel like it is JUST me right now. It’s a feeling of isolation that I’m having right now that’s kind of difficult to explain. I guess deep down inside I was wanting for some sort of security that I just hadn't realized.  When I think back to my dream, I don’t think he was just watching me waiting for me to get off of the phone and stop being busy. He was watching me like a hawk to make sure I was alright. He was there and I felt safe.  In real life, that’s the kind of guy I remember him being. Always there at the right time. Unfortunately, I would only let myself feel that safe with him about 70% of the time. I could never completely let go because like Carrie was with Big, I was waiting for the man I loved to love me back.

What is it about some women who feel like they aren’t winning unless they get the guy who is severely emotionally unavailable to accept them? I guess it’s the same thing that causes a woman to not be happy in a relationship unless there is some kind of constant turmoil. Some of us just don’t believe that we are worthy of love in the way it’s supposed to be. I don’t know if it’s because we don’t feel like we deserve it or that the normalcy in healthy relationships isn’t exciting enough. I think it has something to do with the feeling like we are that much better of a woman if we can win over the guy who is a challenge. If I could do it all over again there would be no contest. None whatsoever. I’m not saying that Aidan and I would have made it (he has four kids and I don’t desire to have any) but I at least would have had enough pride to not waste my time on the guy I kept rejecting him for.

I’m glad that this dream uncovered how I really feel deep down inside because it has served as a warning to me: don’t get to feeling so isolated that while you might not be able to have the guy you wish you had, you settle for the “Mr. Right Now” guy; the guy that you can get right now who is not good for you but you are with him just to fill that void in your life. I’ve seen too many career driven women get impatient and feel like they deserve a man but won’t wait for the man that they actually deserve. This scares me. I don’t ever want to get to a place where I am successful but lonely and willing to just let any good looking guy who talks a good game get in my space. I also don’t want to get so independent and successful that I am leery of the good guy who just wants to love me for who I am. Remembering Aidan was a good reminder of what real love looks like. I’m not accepting any less than that and will try my best not to run from it when it comes my way.


Lei said...

Wow! I recently had a dream about a high school "love" and he is also now married with kids. I have to say even in my dreams my subconscience mind knew not to go there, even though "Dream High School Love" was single. Even though it was just a dream I would've felt so guilty upon waking up.

Niki said...

That's a balance that I deal with every day. I've been through things and racked up some life experiences in my 36 years on the planet to be wary of certain situations and not let any ol' body into my life. But sometimes I feel that because I do fall hard when I fall, I may hold "good guys" at an arm's length and sabotage what could be good relationships. Praying for clarity!