(Are O-Town REALLY getting back together? I thought I heard something about that. I mean...I guess? And if they go on tour can they bring BBMak with them? "Ghost of You and Me" is my JAM).
My name is Toya,
I write for BGLU,
And I am a walking contradiction who is currently obsessed with red matte lipstick.
But back to the contradiction part.
I want to do absolutely everything and absolutely nothing
At the exact same time.
For some reason this desire to write full time and to be on tv telling stories of creative people and how they have braved the forces of hard knocks, resistance and that small inner voice that lies to us telling us that we will never be anything, will not stop bothering me.
I get asked to be on camera for a TV pilot that I was part of the production team for recently and I get an attitude because I only wanted to stay behind the scenes (I did it but I pouted for a good five minutes before Tia told me to suck it up and get downstairs to get makeup).
Again a walking contradiction.
I want to sell everything in a yard sale, travel to India, live off of fruits and vegetables, live like a peasant and finally learn to meditate. For hours.
I also want to sit front row at NYC’s Fashion Week next year,
Do you see what I am trying to say?
I want to do EVERYTHING and sometimes doing everything includes doing absolutely nothing.
I want to become an organized person of habit, consistency and routine but the thought of doing the same thing everyday causes instant panic.
I want an incredible marriage but I don’t want to have to do anything to get it. I don't mean I don’t want to get married and then not work on my marriage. I mean that right this second I know how it feels to want to be incredibly close to someone and yet the idea of letting them into your personal space causes dry heaving.
The only explanation for being such a contradiction is that I recognize that I only have one life to live. One. And I can’t live it like a one woman play who can change into different characters between acts. I can’t flip the pages in the book back like a Choose Your Own Adventure story where you realize that you should’ve gone with your gut and picked the second less familiar option than the first familiar one. It doesn’t work like that. True you can often go back to the fork in the road but no one restarts the clock.
I want don’t want to move out of Nashville but never in my life have I so desired to leave.
I love working in the music industry and am on the cusp of doing so many things that I have always wanted to do and yet I would drop it all if Globetrekker called and wanted me to be their new host. I just don’t want to have to choose…
Because I want to do it all.