Friday, January 28, 2011

The Game is Over- Toya
You know how Tia and I feel about boy bands. "The Game is Over" is a song by Nsync. JC did some of his best sangin' on this one.

I really didn’t want to write about this at first but it may help someone so here it goes. I have so many back stories to write about. This is the first of what may be 5 things that happened months ago. Hope you enjoy them.

I was at Tia’s one day when Tia decided to let me in on something (Side note: can I just say I am glad that we don’t live together anymore? I know that sounds terrible because she truly is my favorite person. I just feel I’d be unproductive. She really is that much fun. Sometimes we don’t even have to say anything. We can just look at each other .Crazy.) :

Tia: “I just want to warn you. He’s back in town.”
Me: “Oh. Ok.”
Tia: “Just in case you run into him.”
Me: “That’s fine. I mean, it’s not an issue really. Truth be told, I’d be perfectly fine not ever talking to him again until we both go on to glory.”
Tia: *blank stare* “Wow.”

I’m not going to go into who “he” is because there would be a whole back story I’d have to go into The Vault to remember. The Vault is what I call anything that happened before August 20, 2010 which marked my 10 year anniversary in Nashville. I am a much different person. There is no condemnation for anything that is now in The Vault. Anything that’s in The Vault can’t come back to haunt me because I’m stronger, I’m wiser, I’m better, and all that other stuff Marvin Sapp sings about. It just doesn’t matter anymore…so I thought. I say that because for the next few days whenever I would wake up and pray, the thought of possibly running into him would come up. Anyone with a Charismatic Christian background knows that these kind of thoughts sometimes have us binding the devil and claiming "no weapon formed against me shall prosper" and all that stuff. Yet to no avail the fear of running into him would not go away.

The fact of the matter is I have been over him for years. Feelings weren’t the issue; embarrassment was. I was embarrassed because I truly felt (unbeknownst to him) that I acted my absolute worst with this guy. I embarrassed myself in front of him and other people. I became “That Girl”. I felt that seeing him would remind me of who I was. Couple that with his superb talent of saying the absolute worst thing at the worst time and hurting my feelings to the core and you have what could potentially be a disastrous situation. I never did well standing up to him. Just knowing that there was someone out there that “I Laugh In the Face of Confrontation” Toya would cower to was the ultimate embarrassment to me. Also in the back corner of my mind (FAR back) was the fear that if I ever talked to him again, even for a little bit, I could be persuaded to allow him back into my life and suck it dry again. Dramatic? Probably. Possible? We’ll never know.

We’ll never know because not too long after this conversation, I was driving around town looking to eat somewhere for dinner. The first two places I went to were having credit card problems and led me to the last place I saw him a few years ago. I remember after telling him that I never wanted to talk to him again, I was minding my business one day and he just showed up and sat in front of me like I never made that request. I remember staring at him much like Kate Winslet’s character in The Holiday when Jasper shows up and surprises her during her much needed vacation away from him. And much like Jasper, he sat there and talked about himself for about fifteen minutes. The only time he asked about me is when he did his regular “So you seeing anybody?” check up. Not too long after that another version of him who I was meeting there (I still hadn’t learned yet) met me at my table. As he got up he told me he loved me, said goodbye and walked out the door.

So when I pulled up to this place anxiety and condemnation started to set in. “God why is this still coming up? “ I thought. I walked in to find a place to sit down to eat and as I walked all the way to the back, there he was.

Me: “Hey!!!!”
Him: “Hey!!!”

Nope, that wasn’t feigned excitement on my part. That was relief. When I saw him and felt no fear, in less than a second it finally clicked. It wasn’t my past or the devil that was haunting me. It was God showing me I had nothing to be afraid of and that I could trust myself again. There was one final layer in The Parfait of The Great Embarrassment that had yet to be uncovered. When the statute of limitations on your heartbreak have long expired then that means that there is a much deeper issue that needs to be dealt with. Mine was fear and shame. God was not pleased that I feared anyone. It was silly. If He could forgive and forget my mistakes and hold me under no shame, how dare I allow anyone to have that kind of power? To borrow from The Matrix, there was no spoon.

We chopped it up for a bit and that was that. No “we’ll talk later”. No “give me a call sometime”. We’re not going to be friends and that's ok. I walked out of there feeling fearless like I beat the big alien spaceship at the end of Space Invaders.

So what did I learn from all this? To most people I should have BEEN over this (I don't care about that either) but these are the consequences of making very bad decisions. That’s why when you get warning after warning about something that seems harmless in the beginning, it’s most likely because only God can see how damaging and long lasting the consequences are going to be. I also learned that these small things are important to God. He knows what keeps us from going to the next level better than we do. Under no circumstances should I ever be comfortable being afraid of anyone. No one should ever have that kind of power in my life. I had no idea how crippling fear could be because I had been under it unknowingly for so long. But now? *T-Pain voice* “I’m good."


luvlybrowngirl said...

Okay, I'm late to the party. I'm just catching up on my blog reading.

To your last paragraph in this post I say "AMEN"!!! I'm at the end of something to which your comments are a perfect prologue.

Girl, thanks for letting God use you.

luvlybrowngirl said...

Sorry, in the message above, I meant "...epilogue."

Toya-BGLU said...

Thanks so much for that luvly.