Thursday, August 12, 2010

My Eat Pray Love Summer- Toya

Tia and I got to go to an advance screening of Eat Pray Love last night and it could not have come at a better time. Since May I have had intense wanderlust. My world has seemed so small, regular food has seemed so dull and anything slightly exotic intrigues me to no end. When I saw the trailer for this movie before Sex and the City 2, tears welled up in my eyes because it expressed exactly what I had been feeling for quite some time. I need to break out and see God's creation.

I am sure I need to read the book but in the meantime, the movie was great. For those that don't know, the movie is about a recently divorced writer who takes a year off to travel Italy, India and Bali. It's amazing how far out you have to go sometimes to find yourself and God. Next week will mark my 10 year anniversary of moving from Jersey to Nashville and little did I know that this was all a part of God's plan of helping me find myself and Him...and now I feel like I am on the cusp of another move. Not sure where or when so to keep from sounding like what Tia calls "The Girl Who Cried Move" I will keep my hunches (there are a few) to myself. In the meantime, I feel as if I have been on somewhat of a mini Eat Love Pray adventure this summer myself. Here are some of the things I have learned:

EAT- My TV stays on the Food Network. STAYS on the Food Network, yall hear me? It's the craziest thing but I am so interested in the science of food and culinary arts. There are so many things on this earth that I have yet to see or taste and that actually bothers me. In an effort to learn patience, I have begun cooking a few days a week, much more than usual. I feel like this season of my life has been all about the lesson of patience and the quicker I can learn the lesson, maybe the quicker I can move on. Come to think of it. that doesn't sound much like patience though. I have been experimenting with veggie filled recipes lately because it causes me to step outside the box more. I went to Trader Joe's and basically had to have my hand held around the store by a stock clerk who helped my find the items on my list of which I had never heard of. It's been a neat little adventure. Patience has never been my strong point so following recipes has been painstaking to me. From the chopping to the measuring to having to wait for something to be done when you are hungry's a pain! But it's worth it. My mom is an excellent cook. She could cook with her eyes closed. She rarely measures a thing but that's because she has experience. I don't so I have to follow slowly step by step. Sounds a lot like life to me.

PRAY- I had the most awkward dream a few nights back. There have been two guys in my life that have absolutely loved me. I gave them both hell. Looking over my life I realize that I have given every guy that has pursued me a hard time. I had a dream about one the other night. I was on a cruise with Tia and my brother when we walked through the dining hall and I saw him kissing his wife. Every time I went back around the corner to say hello, he wasn't there. I woke up a little after 5 am and started writing about the dream in my journal and got a startling revelation of something that I was completely clueless about: I've had a hard time receiving love from the right guys and to my surprise it's not because a certain guy did me wrong. I always thought I could pinpoint it to that but truth be told, I broke up with a guy that loved me for the guy that was constantly doing me wrong. It's not my upbringing. I grew up in a very loving home. What the...??? And then the shoe dropped? My relationship with God has been similar.

I know in my head God loves me but very similar to my relationships with men that have cared about me, I have kept it at arms length. Because if I really fall, if I really trust, I could be subjected to the same disappointment others have had that have given into Love with all of their heart, mind and strength. In regards to men, if I really love, trust and give myself over, you may take me somewhere that I will regret going. But if I stick with the wrong guys, I'm in control because their downfalls will always be my way out. It all boils down to control. On top of that, it has been easier for me to trust love that I have felt I could win. You don't have to win God's love but yet some of us are willing to take it for granted because we don't feel that it's enough. We don't regard it as fulfilling because we didn't have to work for it. And so we chase after "love" that will never be fulfilling instead of resting in God's love that is. When all of this flowed out of me and into my journal, I curled myself up in my bed and almost called out of work. "How are you going to reveal how jacked up I am to me on a Monday morning and then expect me to go to work?" I thought. I was a mess because I knew it was true.
"How much do you love me?' and "Who's in charge?" ....these two questions of LOVE and CONTROL undo us ALL, trip us up and cause war, grief, and suffering. People follow different paths, straight or crooked, according to their temperament, depending on which they consider best, or most appropriate -- and all reach You, just as rivers enter the ocean."
Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

LOVE- In the movie, Julia Roberts' character Liz is told a few times that she needs a man. Exasperated, she tells the one guy trying to win her affections that she is tired of everyone telling her she needs a man. He turns to her and says the quote of the century...

When Tia and I heard this, I immediately fell forward like a limp rag doll in the movie theater and hit the floor. Tia raised her hands in the air and hollered "JESUUUUUUUUS!!!!!!!" We went IN!!!! You would've thought we were in church! Don't even ask me about the next 5 minutes of the film because we fell out completely. A champion??? Hmm...

Champion: a person who fights for or defends any person or cause; a fighter or warrior.

Synonyms: Winner, victor, defender, protector. When used as a verb, to maintain, to fight for, advocate.
Antonym: loser
For some reason, this song immediately comes to mind...

Now this is interesting in light of the recent conversations we have had about certain guys accusing Tia and I of being intimidating. By definition,to feel intimidated is to feel

"timid, filled with through the force of personality or by superior display of wealth, talent,etc."

Sounds to me like it is pretty impossible to be an intimidated champion, doesn't it? So I would like to take this time out to thank every single guy that has told me that I was single because I was intimidating. Because really, they weren't telling me who I am. They were telling me who they aren't: champions. No really, thanks. I'd also like to apologize to myself for letting these same "unchampions" dictate to me as to why I should settle. Anyone can have a man. I'll hold out for my champion, thanks. And last but certainly not least, I'd like to thank Jesus; for teaching me how to chill this summer, how to have patience and for being a true champion of the cross..and whose love, as I mentioned before, I have really, really taken for granted.

"I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on the water."
Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

1 comment:

christal said...

This one was right on time. Love it.