Monday, February 1, 2010

Hot Mess Championships: The 2010 Grammy Awards by Toya

So much pressure! LOL! I have to be honest. I don't know if I have that much to say. This year's Grammys seemed, well, a little lackluster. I will say that the Grammys are usually a little bit classier than the other award shows; the Oscars of the music industry if you will. But this is America so you know there were some hot mess occurrences. Prior to the show I was already disgusted to hear that "Blame It" won a Grammy but then again so did "Baby Got Back" during the 90’s. I tried to keep my expectations low and thank God. Let's discuss, shall we?

1. Lady Gaga: Holy Ziggy Stardust, Batman! This is the first Lady Gaga performance that I have ever seen where I didn’t feel like getting in the shower with my clothes on and start trembling like that man from “The Crying Game”. I usually feel a little…affected. But this time she didn’t give me the creeps! Heaven forbid I have either been turned over to a reprobate mind (where my ”chuuch” folks at?) or she wasn’t that scary. For some reason I kept thinking about that scene with Evilene from The Wiz and wondering if she would make an appearance. Evilene didn’t show up but Lady Gaga did later appear as The Good Witch…on ice.

2. Elton John and Lady Gaga: Not nearly as awkward as the “Stan” duet he did with Eminem but he gets the “C’mon Son” award from me this year. I understand him wanting to commit and be in full costume to keep up with the theme and all but (all together now) C’MON SON! He looked like someone’s grandpa that got drug out to go trick or treating for Halloween. No sir.

3. Steve Colbert’s shout out to Susan Boyle: Someone said to me recently that there is truth in all humor. I wish there would have been a Come to Jesus moment for the industry when he said that the woman that saved the music industry last year was 48 and wears sensible shoes. Lord help.

4. I wonder what Kanye West and Chris Brown are doing at the house tonight…

5. Wow! Song of the Year already? “Single Ladies” deserved it. This will be sung at every wedding reception from now until Jesus comes back.  Am I the only one that didn’t know that Katt Williams was a co-writer? Yes, I saw The Dream’s jacket. Why won’t I go in on it? Because it was a nightmare. Moving on…

6. Didn’t Mariah Carey put out an album last year?  Huh.

7.  Green Day: Fuming Ok look, I realize what my problem lately with Green Day is. If I admit that they are old then I have to admit that I am old too and I am not ready to do that. With that being said, I really couldn’t take them and the cast of Rent performing together. For real? I can’t take Green Day doing these Soft Rock Easy Listening hits. I am too nostalgic and old school for this kind of Green Day.

8.  Taylor Swift’s first win of the night: "I feel like I am standing here accepting an impossible dream". JACKED. ME. UP. Love her. Don’t care.

9. Bouncy’s up…Whoa! Is she about to sing “They Don’t Really Care About US”? The soldiers were REALLY serious. Is this a part of the Michael Jackson tribute? I am so confused. She is going HARD! I feel like I should be paying for all this! Does she have a Paypal account? I didn’t see the Alanis cover coming and I’m not mad at it. And the band: Ferocious. Good luck following that.

10.  Pink’s performance: Well if there was anyone who could follow Beyonce’s performance it was Pink. I was a little confused by her swaddling clothes at first and even more confused when I looked up at the screen and she suddenly was barely wearing any but her performance was amazing. Now I know we have seen her do her acrobatic thing before but this David Blaine type stuff with water was next level. However, I know sistas were mad in the audience. I know I would be. I don’t get my hair all done up for it to get rained on because you want to play Cirque De Soleil. Regardless, she sang, she sang well, and she sang upside down. Pink is a beast. Close the books.

11. Oooh CBS is on a schedule. They are wrappin’ yall up QUICK tonight!

12. The Black Eyed Peas: Ok, this may be the beginning of my guilty pleasure confessions of the evening. This “Imma Be” song makes me want to pull up outside of a club, wait for it to come on, get the valet to keep it running while I go in for five minutes to drop it and then leave a soon as it goes off. I went kinda crazy the first time I heard this. However, “I Got a Feeling” for the 1326th time? If someone gave me a choice between never hearing this song ever again and raising my FICA score to perfection I would choose the former. I can’t take it anymore.

13.  Is Joe Jonas even old enough for me to talk about yet? I’ll wait.

14. Kings of Leon won!!!! Hendersonville stand up! Or is it Knoxville? Regardless, I love me some KOL.

And then, the bane of my existence: Buffoonish tomfoolery.

Does somebody want to explain to me why they got one of the most famous ex-substance abuse addicts, Robert Downey Jr., to introduce “Blame It on the Alcohol”? That is NOT cute. Jaime Foxx needs to grow up and make some grown man music. Now look, I have a few guilty pleasure songs, I will admit that. But I have a general rule: 8 times out of 10 if a song contains lyrics where a man is saying things to a woman that I would spray him with mace over, I am not having it. You can blame feeling on my “butt what” on the alcohol if you want to. You will also be blaming my size 9-½ shoe on why you are no longer able to have children. I am done and no I don’t want to talk about T-Pain!

15. Is it me or does Ke$ha look like a broke down Debbie Gibson minus some crimps in her hair? Anyone?

16.  Zac Brown Band is lettin' yall have it! They are really good. I usually get scared when this kind of music comes on. I hear a "HEE" & I DO NOT stick around for the "HAW"

17. Taylor Swift’s performance: Now look. I am not delusional. I LOVE TAYLOR SWIFT but someone on her label may need to start administering some tough love because her vocals tonight were so off. She is a fantastic writer and would probably actually be a good singer if they gave her some time to get better. I was so happy for her that Stevie Nicks was singing one of her songs though. Was that Adam Lambert on guitar? Hey a check is a check.

18.  The Michael Jackson tribute: I was so happy that we made it out of the snow to get the 3-D glasses from Target today! I prepared myself to not cry and was actually grateful that they didn’t show a lot of Michael Jackson pictures. Just his voice choked me up. Confession: I tried to pinch Smokey Robinson when he came on the screen in HDTV 3-D. Does that make me a cougar in reverse? I prefer the term “puma” anyway.

And I can barely talk about the children right now. It is still fresh. OK I will say that little Prince jacked me up and I predict Paris Jackson has been called to preach. Mark my words.

19. Umm, I would’ve appreciated Jon Bon Jovi in 3-D as well. Just sayin’. CBS could have kept that on.

20.  I don't care that Mos Def mumbles and looks like Richie Cunningham tonight! That is still my boo!!!!

21.  I had no idea why they let Solange’s child up there with his Uncle Jay-Z when they accepted the award for “Run This Town” and apparently neither did he.

22. So I kinda think that Kelly Clarkson should be onstage getting a grammy too because Halo and Already Gone are (for the last time) the SAME DAGGONE SONG!!!!

23. One of my friends said that when she dies she wants to come back as LL Cool J’s chapstick. LOL!!!! That is exactly how I feel about Maxwell’s microphone stand.

24. Maxwell’s up now and killing me softly with “Pretty Wings”. Time to get your body roll on ladies! I am so delighted to see Robert Flack on stage but I am almost sure that she can’t hear herself.

25. These RIP’s are slaying me right now. Would the mention of Michael Jackson be overkill? I guess so. I was sad but glad to see them mention Pop Winans though.

26. I am so confused by Quentin Tarantino right now .  I don’t even know what he is saying.

27. Drake, Lil’ Wayne. Eminem performance: The Grammy’s should not have had them on. Period. If you have to do that much censoring, why bother? It was annoying and it took away from the band particularly Travis Barker on the drums. Thumbs way down.

28. What no “Pants on the Ground”?

29. Taylor Swift wins Album of the Year. Sometimes good girls finish last and it’s a good thing. Again, love Taylor, don’t care and there you have it, the  2010’s Grammy awards. Discuss…

No comments: