Sunday, November 29, 2009

Hope Calling - Tia

A month ago I was let go from the job that uprooted my life and moved to NYC for. Long story. All I'll say is I was thrown under the bus by a co-worker and it was NOT cool. I walked out of the building the day it happened and cried uncontrollably. I had never felt so lost in my entire life. I had given up my apartment in Atlanta and just written a check for almost every dime I had for an apartment in Brooklyn. Because I lived in NY, I could no longer claim GA unemployment because I couldn't physically get back there to do the required check-ins at the unemployment office. And because I had lived in NY for all of 2 weeks, I couldn't draw unemployment here. I felt lost, screwed and pissed. Pissed at the guy who got me fired, pissed at myself for not planning better and PISSED at God for letting this happen.

I cried all the way home (two trains and a bus. that's a lot of crying.) As I walked in the house wondering if I was going to have to break my lease and move home, my phone rang. It said Hope Calling.

An old acquaintance named Hope had inadvertently dialed my number. Though she had unintentionally done it, her call gave me a modicum of hope in one of my lowest moments. About an hour later as I lay curled up in the fetal position on an air mattress with a hole in it, in a room that was far too cold, it happened again. Hope Calling.

At that point I began to shout at God. SHOUT. I was so angry. I felt so hopeless. I could have stayed in Atlanta and been several thousand dollars richer. I would be close to my dad and my surrogate family in Nashville. Instead, I was unemployed, alone, in a cold city, away from everything that I knew.

I wish that I could tell you that after my shouting and weeping the sky opened up and the audible voice of the Lord spoke to me and everything was great. Yeah, that didn't happen. The days after my initial shouting were filled with more shouting, crying, attempts at worship and a variety of other things that did nothing but make me wonder how the hell I ended up in a city that isn't really my first choice, with no job, running out of money, and wishing I'd never left Atlanta.

Try as I may, I couldn't seem to feel that hope that I'd briefly felt the day I lost that job. Fast forward to Thanksgiving, as I sat amongst old and new friends all I could think about was how I was running out of time and money and unless I get a job in the next couple of weeks, there are only so many days left until I will be forced to move out of my apartment move home to my dad's house. As I played the role and laughed and smiled like I was okay, my friend's father bluntly told me, "You've been mad at God lately." (That was putting it mildly.) He then went on to tell me that I should continue to trust that God not only loves me but would provide ALL of my needs. For reasons that I can't even begin to get into right now, trusting in God and believing that he truly loves me are not things that come simply for me. But the hope I felt that day began to tug at me as he and other spoke words of life and encouragement into my life.

It's late and right now my heart is heavy and my eyes continue to fill with tears at the prospect of waking up tomorrow with the burden of knowing that at this particular moment in time I have no means of paying rent, car payment or anything else. But deep (DEEP) down I feel hope calling. No matter the outcome, no matter how angry I am, no matter what, I know that this time, this moment, this situation is not the end.

I will do my very best to keep you posted but A.) I am not one of those people who does well with uncertainty. I turn inward and as such I'm less inclined to write because I really have nothing to say and B.) My laptop is literally on it's last leg. The cord is frayed from trying to move it every which way to keep the battery charged. A battery that is almost completely dead mind you...Seems fruitless most of the time but in those moments when it does power up and come on I do the hallelujah dance. And right now I will take any little bit of joy that I can.

I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles and you care about the anguish of my soul. - Psalm 31:7.

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