Sunday, August 16, 2009

Who's Gonna Save My Soul
Late night emotional ramblings - Tia

So I just saw this video on VH1Soul. (Okay before I go any further. One of the main reasons that I don't get rid of cable in these trying economic times is because I remember what it was like to not have VH1Soul. Seriously, it was not the business. I love this channel. Between it and HBO, I really don't watch much else.(Oh and Psych) And once Entourage is over (HEYYYY Turtle!!!) I'm getting rid of HBO. But VH1Soul stays until the LAST minute.)

Moving on....

I saw the end of this video earlier and couldn't really make heads or tails of it. I didn't quite understand why there was a bloody singing heart wandering down the diner counter. But through the magic of DVR I was able to rewind to the beginning and watch the whole thing.

This is without a doubt one of the best things that I have most recently seen. It explains perfectly how I've felt each and every time I've gone through a breakup. I've never understood how the person who leaves you still gets to keep a piece of your heart. The emotional ties that come with relationships are baffling to me. And yet, after all of the heartache, all of the random ass guys with random ass situations (I was recently "involved" with a guy who had an aversion to small foods: rice, peas, cereal, etc) I find myself wondering why I'm not in a relationship. (The first person to call me picky gets punched in the throat. A.) I'm not picky. I'm selective. and B.) You can't be picky if you have NOTHING to pick from.)

I'm officially in my 30s and I find myself thinking about relationships a lot. All but 2 of my close girlfriends from college are married with multiple children. Their Facebook pages are littered with pictures of them and their families. Not too many short years ago, that was all I wanted. A husband and some children. Now...not so much. And I can't honestly say WHY my feelings have changed. Part of me worries that I've allowed that desire to mostly die because it has gone so long without being met. (If you've read the blog for any amount of time you know that I've wanted to be married since I was about 8.) And then another part of me wonders if I'm just too selfish to want the responsibility of a husband and children. The selfish thing is very plausible. I like ME a lot. And Me likes to do stuff FOR Me. Me likes to sleep 12+ hours on a Saturday and then sit on the couch for hours watching movies and Psych. But then Me also hates sleeping alone. Me likes doing whatever, whenever. But Me also longs to share my day and ultimately my life with someone. As the days wear on, I sometimes find myself becoming discouraged about the prospects of ever finding a relationship. It doesn't help that I live in the San Francisco of the south. If I were a lady who loved ladies, I would be IN THERE. It also doesn't help that I currently have a job that keeps me alone and away from home most of the time. But even when I didn't have those particular obstacles, there still seemed to be this lack of suitable...suitors.

I know that perception is not reality. But my current reality is that I'm single. And who knows. I could get a call tomorrow telling me that I've got a new job in a new city full of eligible (read: non-gay, gold-tooth free) men. Until then (insert heavy sigh here) it is what it is. And while I'm VERY grateful that what it is is not what a lot of people have (divorce, fights, cheating, and a whole slew of other relational problems that people I know are having), part of me can't help but want for...something.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Completely understand where you are coming from. Sometimes it's hard to be single and past 30. (I'm 31.)