Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Virtual Insanity-Toya
Where is Jamiroquai? They lost me after Return of the Space Cowboy.

“I was dreaming when I wrote this forgive me if it goes astray”- Prince, “1999”

If you notice, a few of my most recent posts have been kind of cryptic (videos of "Once In A Lifetime" and "Time to Change") and here is why: I am stressed and pumping the brakes in order to not completely lose my mind because change is happening. I don't always do change well.

I know I am stressed to the edge of insanity when I resort to smoking cigarettes. Yes, I love to smoke. Love it. Mind you, I don’t do it often and didn’t start until I was about 22 (a stupid age to pick up a habit like that if you ask me. By then you know exactly what the side effects are). I only smoked for a summer but man I love a cigarette, cloves rather. I decided after seeing this TV spot about throat cancer that I talk entirely too much to have to use one of those voice thingys that make you sound like a robot so I vowed to quit. Since then I rock about one cigarette a year usually partnered with a martini of sorts. I think this year though I am up to about 5, including last night’s.

I know it’s the edge I am looking over when cupcakes give me hard sugar crashes, Diet Coke makes me nauseous, and big sloppy cheeseburgers don’t bring me the sheer bliss that they were put on this earth to give most food addicts. It’s these vices that make me glad that I never started doing drugs or having sex because I would be in a lot of trouble right now due to excess. Anything done in excess can’t be good for you but the consequences aren’t always the same. I thoroughly understand (well maybe not so thoroughly apparently) that I am supposed to go to the Lord and pray when I am this tense and while that may help my mind, I am not there yet in terms of releasing physical tension which means I should be exercising. Chalk that up to the already long list of things that I should be doing. I think this is where my stress is coming from. I realize that in order for me to move forward in life I need to change some things. I can’t do the same things and expect different results which, by definition, is insanity. And as hopeless as I might sound, I recognize that this is a good thing. I want to make that clear. This tension is a really good thing because sometimes you have to be incredibly uncomfortable to make changes in your life. You need to be very concerned if you are still breathing or even care about the state of your life if you can sleep through a tornado.

I knew something was afoot when the song “Wheel” by Pastor John was floating around in my head. I looked up the lyrics as I always do when a song won’t leave my brain and this is what I found:

People have the right to fly
And will when it gets compromised
Their hearts say "Move along"
Their minds say "Gotcha heart"
Let's move it along

My right to fly got compromised when I started thinking that because I was turning 35, I couldn’t pursue certain things anymore. Something clicked. Turning 35 all of the sudden seemed like a lame excuse to not do things. I have no ties whatsoever. Once my heart said it was time to start moving and my mind was in agreement, all hell broke loose! It was as if someone (like I don’t know Who) was saying “Finally, you are ready to make an impact with your life. Before you do though, this has got to go, this won’t work anymore and there is no way that you are going anywhere with this U-haul of baggage. You can't continue like this.” It’s like being prepared for a big trip to where you have no idea where you are going but you hear the clock ticking and the train approaching. All you know is that you better get ready for it because it may be the last train coming to take you where you need to be.

There are a few things that I am certain of that I am not ready to share here yet. What I can share is that during this time of tumultuous transition to only God knows what, the hardest thing to do is to not be regretful; to not feel guilty for dealing with the same weaknesses that I have always had. I know I would be further along in my life and not be on this crash course of self improvement if only I would’ve been working on things more consistently in my life. For example, managing money is a weak area for me. Before I would just be a little broke. Now? Little mistakes are costing me a lot of money. The old way of doing things (or not doing things) just isn’t working anymore and it can’t for where I am going…wherever that is. Good grief.

I do not like 2009. Not one bit.

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