Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Toya's Confessions

1. I still don't know what's happening. Something is changing and I don't like it but there is nothing I can do about it so I am just...floating? I've been listening to a lot of scattered jazz and house music which seems to be the only type of music that runs faster than thoughts in my mind. That's a good thing. Both genres help me concentrate. 

Not smoking but I had a really nice beer that gave me plenty good feelings the other night (it only takes one for me) so that will be my last for a while. The last thing you need to do in your mid 30's is pick up a habit. That's just stupid in my opinion. Not impossible, just stupid.  I get concerned sometimes that people think that I don't engage in certain things because they think that I think that I am better than them. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think I am more susceptible to things; more likely to get caught up in things that others may just do leisurely. Therefore I don't play around. I know I have the potential to wile out just one time and be on the national news. I'm good.

2. When are you grown ass men going to start making grown ass music, Mario, Jamie Foxx, Charlie Wilson and R. Kelly?! I heard a Charlie Wilson song where he says "I love you more than a hit off a blunt, a smile and a butt" and some mess. This from the same man that gave us "Yearning for Your Love"? I can't. I am however loving the new Ginuwine and Trey Songz records. Well done and well appreciated.

3. I joined a gym. It was for an INSANELY low price monthly. I mean cheaper than the Y and I joined. I joined because I got suckered by an attractive, deep voiced, chocolate brotha. It wasn't the voice that suckered me or the muscles. Oh no! It was the sarcastic wit. He actually could out smart ass me and since I am never beat, I caved like a castle of a deck of cards. Shameful. 

4. I can do some Michael Jackson songs but little Michael Jackson is STILL jacking me up. No lie.

5. There's a guy that I should have stopped thinking about YESTERDAY. I don't want to go into it and hopefully I will never have to but I will say this: I am noticing a pattern. Actually, I have been noticed it so first time shame on you, second time shame on me, third time I'm a dumb ass and fourth time, there's just no hope at all. Thankfully, I have never gotten pass the second time of being fooled. I like how at church my pastor is doing a whole series on transforming your thoughts which is where ill behavior starts. So instead of just trying to shut stuff down, I get really honest, tell God about it honestly and then keep it moving. I will say that in this time of uncertainty I have been a lot more vulnerable and honest with God and that is a good thing. There is something comforting in knowing that He sees it all and that even though He knows  what's going on and isn't letting me n on it yet, it's not like He sits back and enjoys us being uneasy, confused or sad about anything. Not if God is indeed love.  I wonder how He feels about how we feel sometimes. 

6. Imeem.com- LOVE IT. about 8 times out of 10 if I am thinking about a song I can just pull it up. You can do that on Youtube too but I like that you can make a playlist. I found some Sade house remixes on there that I have been needing in my life for quite sometime. Yes indeed.

7. "Make Her Say" by Kid Cudi, Kanye and Common, yet catchy, is straight gross and Lonnie Love (Common) and I have fallen out over it. The b-word is never ok. 

8. Finally saw all of Daddy's Little Girls and Lord help. Idris Elba in a mechanics uniform. Was that rated PG-13 cause I swear him in a wife beater deserves an R rating. LOL! He's awesome. 

9. If these confessions seem a little dark I forgot to mention something: I am off Diet Coke again. 

10. Yesterday was Donnie Wahlberg's birthday and some of yall ate cupcakes in his honor. Don't front.

11. I have some friends in the entertainment business that keep outing some of my favorite hotties and you know what? Ok, let me say that sometimes I do ask but there have been times I haven't and DAG! Is ANYONE straight? I mean all the way straight? All of that to say, I am not asking anymore nor do I want any information volunteered. People can kill a dream, I swear.

12. I'm at a coffee shop and this teenage all girl band is playing. They are far from The Donnas but the girl drummer just hopped on the accordion. She may be my new hero.

13. I saw my first rainbow in years last week. I'm believing for more really soon. Not just because I am becoming more and more optimistic but because it seems whenever I get my hair flat ironed there is a torrential downpour. It's all good. There is something really refreshing about moments after the storm. 

14. I don't really have a 14th confession but I couldn't leave it at 13 so let's see... OH America's Best Dance Crew? My new obsession. And can someone please tell me why JC Chasez now looks like an adjunct professor? What is really going on? That's my dude and all but you would never know he could sing and dance figure eights around Justin Timberlake if you didn't do some homework.  I'm going to imeem.com right now and pull up "Hello Goodbye" Yall be easy.

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