Friday, March 27, 2009

Sowing the Seeds of Love- Toya
I would NOT know how to act if Tears for Fears came around these parts.  I just wouldn't.  They need to do a greatest hits tour. I needs to hear "Break It Down Again" live and I also need to know why Moses was on a motorbike.

I have no idea what's going on right now.

Tia is on the Mayercraft on a mini vacation that I hope is delightful for her and I am not at all saying that sarcastically. She needs a vaca.  I on the other hand am just in a season of sowing seeds:writing  down ideas, trying to make connections and planning for only God knows what.

I had to give myself pep talks for two weeks just to get out of the bed because my attitude was of "Get out of the bed FOR WHAT?"  I stand by my belief that God didn't release me from a cubicle job to go into another cubicle job because the way it happened tells me so.  However if I am the one holding up my breakthrough... I don't want to believe that. I really don't. God is patient. I am not. God is forgiving. I am not.  I need to know that I am not screwing this up.

I am doing things that I am gifted in but not making any money and living off of unemployment that will be running out in a matter of weeks.  I have been laid off for 6 months. I cannot believe it has been six months. I an grateful that I am not homeless but I don't even want to know what my credit score looks like right now, my God. I know this stream of consciousness might sound like defeat but it really is not. I'm not defeated just clueless.

Yesterday I did an interview for a friend of mine writing a piece on freelancers. I didn't even know I was one.  I mean, I've taken some random one day jobs here and there and the two shows I produced through my company Kid Electric Concerts (www.myspace.com/kidelectricconcerts) have gone really well. Still there is no stability...well tangible stability. If I was not stable in the hands of God, I would definitely be on the streets right now and for that I am grateful.  Still,there is this fear that God is screaming something that I am not getting.

I have watched a lot of church television and they have all said the same thing at the same time: that this is going to be a great year of breakthrough contrary to what the media is saying. And you know what? I believe that.  Joel Osteen put it like this: He said how would it look if he brought his two kids onstage and they had holes all in their clothes and were dirty and unkept? We'd be thinking "What kind of father would have his kids looking like that?"  In Psalms, David cries out to God repeatedly asking to not be put to shame. He also states that no one who trusts in God will be put to shame.  I have to believe that this will all make sense and soon. I don't have much time.

A few weeks ago when I was having one of my sideways on the couch pity parties, I came across this scripture that I have never seen before in my life in Ecclesiastes 5:18-19
 
"Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him—for this is his lot. 19 Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God."

If doing what you love for a living and finding satisfaction in your work is a gift from God then I will continue to daily and persistently ask God for this gift. In fact this has been my prayer for all of my friends because every single one of us, including my family, seem to be in the same boat.  Time out for spending a third of your day everyday doing something that you care nothing about. So in faith, I am going to write, I am going to plan and I am going to dream.  I am going to pray for this gift and prepare for it as if it is already done. I want to believe that God wants me to work within my gifts and talents that He has given me to support myself.  I don't think it's a matter of if but when.


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