Saturday, January 24, 2009

Goodies- Toya

Dang it, where is Ciara??!! It's like Chris Rock said, here today. Gone TODAY!

A good woman is a good nurturer by definition. Some of the best women I know operate in a maternal instinct that is completely independent of them having children. In some way they have only acquired children be it neighborhood kids, play nieces or nephews or sadly enough grown, behind men.

Now, I am a good woman. Chances are you are too. But for some reason us good women have not been the wisest women. Just like some of the best women sell their bodies for money and maybe even a glimpse of intimacy, plenty of good women have sold precious parts of their hearts not for money but for affirmation and yes, even a glimpse of intimacy. If prostitution is the oldest profession in the world then emotional prostitution is the oldest volunteer program.

I am sure it sounds harsh but I swear it’s an epidemic. Take it from an ex-hoe. We wonder why some men are so lazy, so emasculated, so distant and so unwilling to commit. We wonder why so many of them aren’t married and won’t marry us. That’s because it’s been a long time since the old adage “It’s cheaper to keep her” bore much truth. Oh no. Nowadays, it’s cheaper to outsource. I have seen so many guys keep so many women at arms length because each of these women serve a purpose for them which rarely has any return for the women. At any given time a guy can have

· The girl who will do his laundry

· The girl who will be his accountant (also see “loan officer”)

· The girl who will cook for him

· The girl who is his 24 hour therapist

· The girl he can kick it with like she’s one of the guys

· The girl he makes out/has sex with

· The girl who is like and acts like his mama when he is in trouble

· The girl who is his attorney

· The girl who is his manager

· The yes girl who keeps his head gassed

· The girl who is his guru of wisdom

· The trophy girl who is hot enough to be seen with but he doesn’t necessarily want to be with…cause hey someone better may come along

I am living proof that one woman can be a number of these women at one time. I am also living proof that if you don’t protect your situation and recognize that there is a fine line between natural nurturing and co-dependency, you will come out with the short end of the stick. I am so tired of seeing women go through this. We can get our hearts involved in such a way that we start out with the purest intentions but end up realizing that we have involved parts of our spirit too that these men do not deserve and all in the name of just trying to be a good friend. ß-Insert a Rihanna “Please” here.

A wise woman told me once that boys need you, men desire you. I don’t have enough time to tell the stories about guys that have told me that they are a better man because of me, claim that they need me, and have called me at all times of the night because they just had to have some “Toya wisdom” . The problem with these guys was all they did was take, take, take, didn’t even have a clue that they SHOULD give and I accepted that behavior. Tag was good for that. We could talk about him all day long but when we tried to talk about me it was like he was watching paint dry on the wall. He couldn’t wait for the conversation to swing back to him and would often interrupt me so it would. And seriously, what did I expect? He’s a child and children are selfish. I can’t remember being 2 years old, crying because I wanted attention, getting picked up and going “Hold up mommy. How has your day been?” Didn’t happen. Doesn’t happen. But again just like a child who is only about their needs, some guys will play on the affections of women and always seem to know just the right thing to say to make us stick around. That is manipulation and it’s wrong.

I remember telling my mom about Tag 3.0. She adores him. I was telling her that it used to be if 3 days went by he would be quick to find me and talk about how much he missed me, why haven’t I been able to chat on Facebook and why he can’t get in touch with me like he used to. “Does he KNOW he likes you?” she asked. I cracked up. I had to tell her. Tag 3.0 does not like me, but for now I will do. I am just cute enough, just fun enough and just smart enough. I am way too much woman to maintain but for now, I will do. The bible says that a man that finds a wife finds a good thing. Problem is these guys are finding 4 or 5 good things at a time that are far too willing to give up the attention, affection and duties of a wife all for the cost of trying to quench the insatiable need to be needed.

I finally came to my senses when I realized that my love, encouragement, friendship, great sense of humor, companionship and wisdom were hot commodities (Read: I learned to appreciate myself, by myself). With that being the case , I have decided to guard those “goodies” much like I have guarded my virginity for all these years: on the offensive. I just don’t put myself in situations with guys that get clingy and try to take all of the time. I know the signs all too well. If I even once sense that a guy is being way too possessive of my time and friendship and is talking about some “I need/I miss/you are MY Toya” I am GHOST, ya heard? Even if I see them treat other women like that, I’m out. I’m not saying that I can’t be friends with men. Lord knows I welcome more friendships with men. It’s the needy boys I will do without. By the way, it’s worth remembering that outside of the book of Hosea in the bible and Francine Rivers “Redeeming Love”, a hoe (even and emotional hoe) rarely gets turned into a housewife.

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