Friday, February 29, 2008
So I'm adding a caveat on my last post. I still stand by what I said. But I wanted to clear up a minuscule point. Toya and I were talking and she mentioned that she disagreed with what I said about a person being able to help who they fall for. She cited a person that she'd had a situation with in the past and I realized where she was coming from. Now while I truly believe that feelings are a trip and sometimes can't be controlled, I also believe that you can help falling TOO HARD for someone. By that I mean, if you know that someone is going to be bad for you (say he's a violent drug user) and yet you allow yourself to knowingly fall in love with him, then that's on you. If you go in knowing that a person has a situation that you just can't deal with but you willing go anyway, then it's up to you. Every woman has some things that she's just not willing to compromise on. But if that woman is so desperate for a man that she's willing to compromise on the things that she previously said she wouldn't, then she can't get mad when those things begin to to drive her up a wall and/or begin to destroy or degrade who she is. Does that make sense? I'm sure you'll holla back in the comments if it doesn't.
And to my anonymous posters: It's a blog. By it's very definition it's going to be the sole opinion of the author. And like Salt-n-Pepa said, "Opinions are like a**holes and everybody's got them." If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But not agreeing with you doesn't make me wrong. It just means that we don't agree with each other. I never intentionally go out to hurt people's feelings. But I do have an opinion. I do have beliefs. And I stand by them. Like I said before, a person is nothing without their convictions. And while I will agree that in the name of religion people and their "convictions" have gone too far (The Spanish Inquisition, The "colonization" of the Native American, 9/11) I stand by what I believe wholeheartedly and I don't back down. And at the end of the day I want to be able to look you in the face and know that even though we might not agree, I can love and respect you as a person and as one of God's children.
Anyway, that was pretty much all I had to say. I gotta get moving.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I don't know why I always feel like spilling my guts when I don't feel well. But at the moment I feel like telling my business. You gotta love blogs that way.
Toya called me the other day and told me that she had to be honest with me about how she was feeling. I will leave it to her to explain the details if she feels so inclinded. When she finished she asked what I thought. What I thought was, "Damn, I need to be just as honest as she's being with me, with myself."
I mentioned earlier that I ran into Ben Covington in December. Now mind you this is the boy who kinda broke my heart. Now there wasn't a whole lot that went on between us. But I've come to realize that my heart was broken because he was and still is to some extent my prototype. He is the type of guy that I always saw myself with. He embodied all of the things I want in a guy and a bunch of things that I didn't even know that I wanted. So when it didn't go well between us I was crushed about it and to add insult to injury I felt like I lost a friend. Before any kind of feelings were discussed he was a homie. A dominoe playing, sing you a song when you lose, go in the fridge like he owned the place, homie. We went from that to hardly speaking and awkward church side hugs.
I honestly thought I was cool. It had been months since I'd seen or heard of him. So you can imagine my surprise when all of the random feelings I thought were gone came bubbling to the surface with one brief and mildly uncomfortable run-in.
Since December Ben's randomly crossed my mind more times than I would like to mention. And after Toya's brutally honest confessions I realized that I had one of my own. And it was painfully obvious. After 3 or so years, I am still hung up on Ben Covington. And let me tell you, it destroys me to even admit it. (Oh and I won't even talk about how one of the guys on American Idol looks like Ben. And they're from the same area. I wouldn't be surprised if they were related.)
I pride myself on being a pretty tough chick. While I will cry without warning, I don't see my tears as a sign of weakness. I try very hard not to let my emotions get the best of me. And when it comes to feelings and relationship type things I always try to let logic play some part. Now don't get me wrong, I won't stamp out my feelings because they don't make sense. But I do try to use my head. For instance, I would never date a Muslim. Logically, it just wouldn't work. So I guess that's why this thing with Ben irks me so much. He just flipped the script with no warning whatsoever. He definitely cared more about himself than he did me. And clearly our friendship didn't mean as much to him as it did to me. If it did, one would think that he would have had the decency to at least say, "You know I'm just not into like I thought." No harm, no foul.
So how is it that even though by most accounts he is a candy-ass, he is also still my prototype? I don't usually go for candy-asses...EVER. How is it that if he came to me right now and said, "I was a jack-ass. I was young and stupid. Can we start over?" I would say yes. The whole thing just seems so weak to me. So stereotypically chickenheaded.
I know that part of it is that I'm going through a really lonely period in my life right now. I'm working a lot and I've still only met a handful of people here in the ATL. At the moment I don't have time to do much and since I work from home and work solo when I'm on the road, it's not like I have a lot of interaction with people. Plus it's cold. I'm not very motivated when the weather is cold. But I think the biggest part is that prior to meeting Ben I didn't know that my prototype existed. Meaning, I had a type of guy in my head. I knew what I thought was my ideal. But I'd never seen it. It was like seeing the model of a car at an expo but never seeing it out in the real world. So even though you've seen the model, you're still stunned as all get out when you see it driving down Broadway. Maybe not the best example but you get what I'm saying. The type of man that I dreamed about but had never seen walked right up to me in church one day and asked me if he could call me. He was my homie and I was cool. But then he asked if he could call me and it was like he was a whole other person. I realized that my homie was my prototype. I hit PAYDIRT. (Insert R. Kelly's Homie, Lover, Friend here) And then he was gone.
And after all of this time I still can't believe that I feel this way about him. I know some if my feelings are wrapped up in my hope. Part of me believes that there is another one out there for me. But because I haven't seen one, I can't seem to let go of what I once felt for Ben.
I know I usually try to end my serious posts with some sort of uplifting message, a scripture or something. But since I'm being honest I have to say, the way I feel about Ben makes me feel like an utter loser. And frankly, if I knew how to make these feelings go away, I totally would.
So pretty sure I'm going to the doctor in the morning. This headache thing has been going on since Saturday. And lest you think I'm a baby, I'd like to go on record as saying I don't get headaches. So to have one period, let alone for this long, is enough to make me cough up the co-pay and go see the doctor. Plus I feel like someone ran over me with a mini-cooper. I haven't been "sick sick" since December 06 and I was not looking to get sick now. Okay, I'm done whining.
I was watching Robin this morning and decided to head on over to VH1. I was tired of the news and needed some music. I was fortunate (?) enough to catch Ms. Mimi's new video. And well, I didn't love it. It was alright for what it was, but it didn't really move me. Not like the singles from her last album did. I tell you I couldn't get enough of Ms. Mariah when her last cd dropped. Anyone who makes a song that I can put my initials in gets my vote.
(A la Don't Forget About Us: "I bet she can't do it like me. She'll never be T.D." Don't hate because it doesn't work for you. )
Here's the video. I'll let you decide for yourself. It gets a big "Meh" from me. I'll wait on the next single. Or who knows, this one might actually grow on me.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
So pretty much every morning without fail I watch Robin Meade on Headline News. I love her. She is so cute and perky and she calls her viewers "Sunshine." You can't beat that with a stick. This morning was no exception. I had to get up before 9 because I have to work on site today. And let me tell you I was not loving it. But early rising or not I'm watching HN. (and then videos on VH1.)
As I was getting ready there was a teaser clip about a story involving 2 girls who were kicked off of a flight for...being too pretty. Now I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth but I just HAD to see what this was about. After the commercial break the reporter began to tell the story of two girls who felt they were treated poorly by Southwest. And the only explanation they could come up with was that they were too pretty. Now mind you, one of these broads got into an altercation that involved profanity with another passenger on the flight. But of course that had nothing to do with it.
After the piece was over, they cut back to Robin Meade who is always the epitome of poise and she, like myself, was laughing. She stated, "Ohhhh, I'm SURE there's more to this story."
This is my thing. Southwest is about their money. They're not just going to randomly kick someone off a flight and ban them from ever flying with them again. That affects their money. (Is it effect or affect? I seriously could never figure that out in grammar school.) And Southwest is the only airline that has consistently posted quarterly profits when all of the other airlines are in the red and/or filing bankruptcy. They might make you change your clothes, but unless you show your behind, they're pretty much cool with anything. These broads here are just delusional or something. And like Robin said, I'm sure there's more to this story than what we were told.
You can watch the story here. But I think these chicks need to go somewhere and sit down.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
I'm tired. My head hurts. I'm lonely. I'm in desperate need of some snuggle time. And it's 2 in the morning and I'm awake because of this headache. So how do I pass the time you ask. By filling out mindless surveys on myspace.
Here's the latest one. It was actually kind of fun.
Answer the question with a song title
My Best Friend is like:Best Friend - Queen
At my wedding they will play: Overjoyed - Stevie Wonder
My day will be like:Heaven - John Legend
If I got lost on a desert island I would yell: I'm Alive - Seal
I'll have a good day if I can hear: Children Say - Level 42
My guilty pleasure is: Throw Some D's - Rich Boy
My Alter Ego is: Deep Inside - Mary J. Blige
At my funeral they will play: Celebrate Me Home - Kenny Loggins
Happiness is:Hard to Beat - Hard Fi
What I did last night: Quiet - (Pastor) John Mayer
My family is described as: Bruised But Not Broken - Joss Stone
My favorite thing to do is: Kissing You - Total
The best thing about me:Proper Nice - Joss Stone
My friends see me as: Real People - Common
My Birth was like: Isn't She Lovely - Stevie Wonder
How will I die:Be Still My Beating Heart - Sting
My make-out song is: Lesson Learned - Alicia Keys and John Mayer (I know that's a weird song to choose but that's my answer and I'm sticking to it.)
High School was like: Kids In America -The Muffs
The song that will be playing when I meet the love of my life:Miracles - Two Hearts (Pretty sure it will only be playing in my head but whatever)
Will I ever have kids:Yes - Kiki Sheard
My parents are:In Repair - (Pastor) John Mayer
My love life is inspired by:Happily Ever After - Case and Ordinary Just Won't Do - Commissioned (I couldn't just pick one for this one.)
My ultimate dance song:I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred (Shut it. That song rocks.)
My Theme Song:Look At Me Now - Kirk Franklin
Right now I feel: Anonymous - Bobby Valentino
My favorite thing is: Saturday - Marc Broussard (I love that song and what it's about. And Marc did this song the last time I saw him in concert. And he NEVER does this song live. He said it himself. It's like he knew it was one of my favorites....Shut up and let me have this. I'm ill.)
Okay, I'm going to go take some more drugs and try to get some sleep. Man, this sucks...
If you have the time and inclination feel free to post your answers to this in the comment box.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Man, I feel old - Tia
So I have been battling some sort of sinus something for the past few days. So I'm currently posted up in the bed at 8:55. (I ain't shamed.) I was surfing youtube looking for the Backstreet Boys FIRST video, the one that I think they only released in Japan. But I stumbled across this little gem and it just made me happier than I thought I could be.
Look how cute little Rick Martin is. (I still don't believe he's gay. Just like I don't believe 2Pac is dead. Shut Up Toya.) Remember when Menudo was on Silver Spoons? Child, I loved me some Ricky Schoerder.
I will say that after all of these years, I'm still offended by the kid in yellow half shirt. I'm so mad about that I don't know what to do. Whoever styled him needs a serious beat down.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
I was sitting in a room today looking at a never ending stack of medical records and I wanted to hear something upbeat. I needed something familiar. It was getting toward the end of the day and I needed something good to keep me going.
What popped into my head..?
Because you walk city...Because you talk city.
Now we have been trying to put y'all on to Robin Thicke for a minute. So you can't say you didn't know. I mean, we've been fans and we wanted you to be fans also. So lest some of the recent fans think that Lost Without U was first, please enjoy the videos that made me huge fan. Toya has been a fan for a decade and a half or so. (I'll let her explain if she feels led to do so.)
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
So the new buzz is surrounding a girl named Leona Lewis. My friend Steve sent me one of her tracks a while back. (She's huge in Britian.) Her video is playing every half hour on the hour on VH1. Apparently she's being called the second coming of Mariah Carey. I have to be honest, thus far I'm underwhelmed. Maybe I just need to hear more from her because that song Bleeding Love is just not doing it for me. Something about the production of the song makes me think of the late 80s/early 90s. And there's a redundancy about the chorus of the song that's kind of annoying. Basically I've not seen what everyone else is seeing/hearing.
Is it just me?
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
(I still can't spell check with blogger. Does anyone know what's up with that?)
So I just got an email from someone in HR saying that they wanted to thank me for my hard work and would be offering me (and some of the other employees) incentives as a way of saying thank you. The incentive is $400 that can be used for any one of the following catergories: spa services, luggage and/or lap top bags, airline club memberships, portable dvd players and movies and my personal favorite, MP3 players. Now mind you I have been scoffing at the new iPod touch. Until recently it only came in 16 GB. I could fill that without really trying. However, if someone else is going to buy one for me then the scoffing will cease. (It also now comes in 32 Gb which is bigger than my currently packed to capacity iPod. But it's $500.)
Now while I'm very grateful for the incentive, I'm a little weary about it. For one, my study alone has lost 5 team members since it started in October. People have either quit or moved to other positions. Secondly, I wonder if this is really an incentive or is it a bribe/pre-payment. Is it a bribe to keep those of us who are still here...well...here? Or is it a pre-payment for the hail storm of work that is about to rain down on us due to the smaller team? Fewer people means more work for those who remain.
Whatever the case, I'm getting a new iPod. I just hope that it doesn't cost me my soul.
Monday, February 18, 2008
There are not too many women I scream over. Erykah Badu is one of them. There is a note that she hits at the end of "Stay" on her live album that makes me scream "Erykah" like I am some crazy person. I wish she'd adopt me. When this record drops...sigh...I mean, I cannot wait. ERYKAH!!!!!!
We haven't blogged since last week so you know what that means. It is REAL special on the set of No Sex in the City.
Tia sent me a text the oher day asking me to pray for her without getting specific. Because I know the fire has been turned up quite a bit or us and those around us, I didn't even ask. I responded something like "Keep your head up. Remember, they've never gone this far without a kill before."
I like when people act like when things get hard, you should just act like glory, glory hallelujah all the time. And by like, I mean..please spare me. Even Jesus was in the garden talking about "Father if you would take this cup from me..." However, you do need to get up and fight back against whatever your particular Vultures may be. Don't stay wallowing. For me, I don't start fighting back until I get mad. It's not until satan hits me with the lowest blow that I am like "Hold up! Is this what we're doing now? No. And I'm pissed that you even thought I was falling for that. Now Jesus, where are my boxing gloves?"
My favorite line in Vultures is "I wanted water but I walked through the fire." How many times have we wanted what would seem to be a simple solution to extinguish a problem but instead God says "Guess what? I bet you didn't even know that you were bad enough to walk through this bad boy." That's encouraging to me that He thinks I am strong enough to walk through it when I want to throw in the towel.
Wheels up, everyone. 2008 is a bumpy ride.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
- I'm in TX visiting my mom and my brother. If I lived here I would be fat. Like fork lift big. My mom always feels the need to cook for my brother and I when we're home. And not like cook a light snack. NO. I mean put your foot in it, fried something, baked something, 1000 calories per serving meals. I seriously have to watch it when I'm here. I went to the gym yesterday morning and climbed about 150 flights on the stairmaster and did 100 reps of everything. The only thing that kept me going when I almost passed out doing pull-ups (assisted pull ups. I'm not Linda Hamiliton. Remember her from, Terminator 2 when she's doing the reverse pull-ups? Badass...) was the fact that I kept thinking about all of the food that I'd had the day before.
She is currently frying chicken, making mac and cheese and she baked about a million pans of the most fattening rolls that I have ever seen. I am so glad that I had a smoothie for lunch. And though I'm going to miss my family, I'm kinda glad I'm leaving tomorrow. My trainer is going to kill me when I get home.
- I can't stand men who grow out their beards and then braid the hair. The only thing that irritates me more is when they put beads on the braids. Every time I see that I want to slap the taste out of the man's mouth. It is ridiculous.
- So I'm a little out of touch with the black church. The church that I go to now is somewhat mixed. But the pastor is white and the worship team is mixed. (The drummer wore an Autobots shirt to church last Monday. I'm in love.) But though it's a non-denominational church that could probably be labeled as charismatic, it's fairly tame. And it's the type of church that I have been attending for about the last 10 years. And before that I was attending a Baptist college so you know...
It's been a while since I've been to a black down home tambourine church. I went to church with my mom this morning and it was like a modern day scene from the church in The Color Purple
It was so surreal. And I won't even talk about the guy who sounded like A Pimp named Slickback. NOT Katt Williams but A Pimp Named Slickback (it's like A Tribe Called Quest, you say the whole thing.)
- I need Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis to come on with a box set of some sort. They have hits for no reason. Human by Human League just came on my Launchcast station and I'm so about it. This song is the jam. I love it. I remember the day Toya told me that they'd done Human. It wasn't like I didn't already think that they were geniuses, but that pretty much cemented it.
- I freakin' LOVE Spandau Ballet. I'm listening to Only When You Leave and I'm really missing the 80s.
- I need a boyfriend. Seriously. It's about to get really warm. (Not this sporadic stuff that we have right now.) And there is nothing like Atlanta in the summertime. Piedmont Park is one of my favorite places in the spring. And I need someone that I can sit in the swing with and hold hands with and lay on a blanket with. So I need a boyfriend. I mean, I already have the soundtrack for the early fun part of the relationship...
- ...Colbie Caillat has the best in love soundtrack right now. I just bought her album and it is so girlie and light and fun and makes me want to be in love. In the happy, giggly, bubbly first parts.
- Toya and I were talking and we are definitely all about having a BGLU contingent on the next Mayercraft. So save your pennies kiddies, we're shutting it down next year. Or at the very least we'll get a block of rooms.
- The more I think about it the more I realize that Natalie Cole is a hater for her Amy Winehouse comments. And can you believe Keith Richards, Mr. Dead Heroin Addict Walking, had something to say. REALLY DUDE?!?!?!?
- My Launchcast station is playing hits. I have invested about 4 years into this so it's no wonder. But I love that I can turn it on and aside from the commercials and the random song that's played because I rated the genre it's in at some point, it plays nothing but hits. It's a good time.
- If you like a sci-fi version of the Bourne Identity, go see Jumper.
- And does anyone know what's up with ambiguously gay Hayden Christensen? There's something that I just can't put my finger on with that kid. Maybe my view of him is skewed because he always seems so angst ridden and troubled. Like he has a big secret that he's just dying to tell. But something about him makes me think beard. He's cute though. So I hope not. Living in Atlanta, I've had a lifetime of cute gay boys. No mas.
- Why don't I own more Seal?
- Thank God the writer's strike is over. I can't wait to see new McSteamy.
- Say what you want, Celine Dion's Where Does My Heart Beat Now is that jam. Hate her, love her, whatever, that broad is talented. And I'm sad I never got to see her in Vegas. I'm going to have to get the DVD. But it's not the same. I heard she is almost flawless in concert. (insert sad face here)
- I love how Diva Victoria Beckham is. She has a book out. I must obtain it.
- I don't like how old I am. I think I'm going to start lying for a while.
- Toya told me a story and I thought I was going to die from laughing. I really did. I love that girl.
- Sting has a book out called Lyrics. From what I saw it has all of the lyrics he's done to date along with explanations for some of the songs. I must obtain it.
- So I got both of state and federal income tax refunds back last week. (Thanks again Turbotax) Can I just say that it was really hard paying off those cards. I looked at my bank account and realized that it hadn't been at that level in a while. (My own fault, but still...) But I knew that I wanted that I wanted to be done with that debt. So one would have thought that it would have been easy to point and click and pay the bills. NOPE. all I could think about were the pink Pumas I'd seen at Foot Locker the other day. And that dress at Macy's that would be great to wear for Easter and any and every wedding that I would have to go to and high tea at some fancy pants place that I have yet to find in Atlanta. Basically, all I could think about was all of the stuff that I could buy. But then I started thinking about how many points my credit score would go up when I paid off the cards and how if I would be ever closer to that elusive 850. (Oh and what's up with the Vantage Score going to 990? Seriously, who has a 990 credit score?) So I very grudgingly paid the bills. Stupid responsibility.
- I want to go to Egypt.
- I think that's all.
In case you didn't know, Common and Ryan Reynolds are in it. Jeremy Piven is also in it but he's so coked out that he's not really that attractive in the movie. But the first 2 are plenty of eye candy.
I don't know what is wrong with me but I LOVES to see a man in with a gun...in a movie. (You pull out a gun around me in real life and I'm walking out and losing your number.) But there is something about a man with gun that makes me happier than it should be. So you know I was losing my whole mind in this movie. Common has a gun in MOST scenes that he's in. And RR has a scene toward the end when he trying to light this girl up and he is firing his gun in such a sexy way that I had to rewind the scene and watch it again. Thank you OnDemand.
Monday, February 11, 2008
1. Frank and Alicia- I am finally an Alicia Keys fan since As I Am came out so I look forward to seeing her. I am so happy she got to open.
2. This Carrie Underwood performance is hot. JC Chasez is somewhere mad though.
3. Somebody had to hold me when Prince came on. Fine for no reason at all. The only man I would tolerate being prettier than me.
4. The Time????? I have two friends at the Grammys right now and I HATE THEM.
5. Who knew Rihanna would be around this long? Not me.
6. Cirque de soleil is making me dizzy. I need this to end well. Someone just brought boneless wings to my house. I don't care if this ends well.
7. This little boy singing Let It Be is a midget. He's gotta be. He's too young for that voice.
8. Someone just asked where Jason Bateman is from and I said The Hogan Family. DAMN I'm old!
9. YEAH YEEZY!!!!!!!! I love Kanye West and am so proud of him.
10. You will NOT make me cry, Kanye.
11. You can try all you want Fergie. I will never forgive you for My Humps or that "I miss you like a kid misses his blanket song." I don't care if you got up there and sang Amazing Grace.
12. Bouncy is a bad chick.
13. Tina Turner gets the Preserve Your Sexy Award of the evening...even in that Judy Jetson outfit.
14. What? No Ike Turner shout out? I'm sayin'!
15. Why is Nelly Furtado hogging the mic? Rosalyn what's her face didn't read not one line.
16. Alicia Keys AND John Mayer??? Lesson Learned???? Could it be??? Jesus be a waymaker!
17. Dave Grohl is a, umm, a blessing . I'm a liar. Tia and I were just on the phone saying dirty things about Dave and Taylor. I'm sorry Lord... And Mrs. Grohl.
18. What if Amy Winehouse is a hot mess? What if she sings the whole song from her Lazy Boy chair? Would I be mad? Not at all.
19. This Brad Paisley "Tick" song is NOT happening.
20. HAHA! I guess Kanye told yall!
21. Ludacris introduced the Gospel portion? The Lord knows your heart.
22. Aretha Franklin is in spaghetti straps and I feel self conscious wearing tank tops? Note to self:You MUST own your sexy.
23. Please bow down before the Clark Sisters. Three Grammys tonight!
24. Since when did Justin Guarini start singing with Israel and the New Breed (Hi Grant :-) ) ?
25. Darnell just asked if Dierks Bentley had a cup on underneath his suit. I mean that joint was TIGHT.
26. Yes, Feist.
27. Whose drunken idea was this to have Kid Rock collaborate with this woman? AND Dave Koz? This is like a bad dream after a night of eating too much pizza. And she was flirting with Kid Rock too. I just threw up in my mouth a little.
31. DAVE AND TAYLOR WON!!!! Tia we did it!!!! Oh wait...
32. John and Alicia...it's going down. Yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me...
33. Yall are wrong for how yall dress Stevie. JUST WRONG.
34. Minister, John! Let the Lord use you! Let Him use you!
35. Ringo Starr has been up here too many times.
36. Did Amy Grant just tongue her husband Vince Gill when he won? I aint mad at her. Steady on! Steady on, Amy!
37. Is Taylor Swift in her prom dress? Sadie Hawkin dance dress? How old is this child?
38. Amy's background singers/dancers are TOO serious. This is the best Amy Winehouse performance I've ver seen.
39. Favorite Grammy moment EVER: Amy Winehouse's acceptance moment. That's real. It's like, like when Biggie won at the Source Awards. "We did it Brooklyn!"
40. Jerry Lee Lewis is a thousand years old.
41. Little Richard needs to be the spokesperson for the next MAC campaign, I declare!
42. Umm, Album of the Year... I didn't even know about this Herbie Hancock record. Good for him. I need for Kanye to NOT say anything stupid.
43. The ending? What the hell?! Hey at least Souljah Boy didn't win.
Discuss amongst yourselves...
Sunday, February 10, 2008
- I love Alicia Keys but I hope this isn't the only song she's going to sing. While she is killing this old song that I don't know, I would much rather hear her sing Like You'll Never See Me Again or in a perfect world Lesson Learned. Oh and I LOVE that dress she's wearing. She is forever my girl crush.
- Carrie Underwood...Meh
She's no Martina but she's got a decent voice....okay she just hit the money note at the end. So maybe she's better than I thought.
I freakin' love that tiny little man.
- OH LORD...they just said Beyonce is going to perform with Tina Turner. There's about to be an explosion of raw emotion.
- YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW THAT'S NOT MORRIS DAY!!!!! They are doing Jungle Love. This has officially made my night. For real, y'all, this makes me happier than anything else that has happened today.
- Does Rihanna know the significance of what is happening to her? I mean, does she understand that she's performing with THE TIME? I wonder if she really gets it. I would be losing my mind. Does she know how prolific The Time are? Has she seen Purple Rain and Graffiti Bridge? The minute I saw Morris Day I would have probably screamed in his face...then acted like a professional. But know that my initial response would be screaming directly in his face.
- I love Please, Don't Stop the Music. I run this song daily.
- I have The Beatles 1. (I'm still bothered that Across the Universe isn't on there but whatever.) I'm a fan. I respect what they did and love some much of their work. I've even been to Abbey Road. But the Cirque Du Soleil portion of the tribute was scary as hell.
I think I need to rent Across the Universe.
- I don't like Miley Cyrus with dark hair.
- I think Taylor Swift is so overrated. I just don't get the appeal. Her lyrics are so elementary. That song that they run on VH1 is so...trivial. (Can you tell I ain't feeling her...?)
- Get off the stage Jason Bateman and show me my boyfriend Taylor Hawkins. Okay, seriously, enough of this audience participation...Bring on the Foo.
- Ever since Kanye's mom passed away I haven't looked at him the same. While I was a fan of his music before, I wasn't a fan of him. But seeing him breakdown when his mom passed made me see that he's just a man. He's human. And for sone reason he became endearing to me.
But even so, I'm not feeling the Tron theme.
Wait, he's not doing Hey Mama is he? Aww, I want to hug him. Was Carrie Underwood just crying?
- What song is this that Fergie is doing? And am I the only person who thinks "K-i-d-s, Kids Incorporated" when they see Fergie?
- I really wanted Hairspray to win Best Compilation, but I knew it wasn't happening. They already did a Beatles tribute and that pretty much cemented the fact that it was going to be a Beatles night.
- I love that Cher can joke about her age. She's a bad broad, though, no matter how old she is.
- But TINA TURNER is the baddest chick. She is almost 70 and she's still doin' it. And doin' it well.
Only Toya understands why I'm SOOOO HAPPY that Tina Turner just started Better Be Good To Me.
- I go back and forth on Beyonce. Sometimes I LURVE her. Other times I think she's extra. She walked a fine line betwixt the two tonight, but ultimately ended up on a good note. I am glad to see she's put some weight back on. She was looking real frail for a while there.
- I LOVE YOU TAYLOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really just SCREAMED "I love you Taylor" at the television. It is for just cause that Toya and I have never seen the Foo Fighters in person. Someone would be bailing us out of jail because I would hurt Taylor so bad. I have loved him since he drummed for Alanis Morrisette. There is nothing pure about the way I feel about Taylor. Not one thing...Taylor seriously, if you're reading, hollatme...
- I like some country. I can't get enough of Rascal Flatts. Martina McBride is the Mariah Carey of country music. Garth Brooks is the consummate performer. But this song that Brad Paisley is a prime example of why most people think that country music is made by a bunch of inbred rednecks. I'd Like to Check You for Ticks...REALLY?!?!?! Is that supposed to be sexy? Is a girl supposed to be turned on by that? Does that work?
- I love little Chris Brown but he looks like he just came from a clown wedding.
- Solange's make-up...COMMON...COMMON....COMMON....
Sorry, they showed Common. That's a beautiful man. Like I was saying, Solange's make-up is beautiful, but I'm not feeling that dress. She's a pretty girl, but she could have rocked a better dress for her form. It's probably from the House of Deadwrong.
- I'm not mad at Kanye. NOT MAD AT ALL....
And they act like they don't know him. They know how he acts. But I see they turned the music off.
- Okay, I initially didn't recognize Bebe Winans even though Luda said he was going to be up there. The first thing I thought was, "Why is Andre Harrell on stage with Aretha?"
- I'm really so glad that they're doing this gospel montage. This is the closest that a lot of people will ever get to church. And honestly, I'm glad that the Grammys decided to show that Christian music isn't a bunch of hymnal music. Oh but I see 'Retha is about to take 'em to church.
- I have a friend who likens Feist to Joni Mitchell. I can't really get past that 1, 2, 3, 4 song enough to listen to anymore of her music. That song drives me bananas and not in a good way. I guess I should give her a chance. But I seriously can't get past that song.
- Toya and I are kindred spirits. Why, you ask? Because we sometimes think the same thing at the same time. For instance, when Kid Rock started singing Black Magic with...whoever they said that was, I got a text from her that said the same thing that I was thinking, "NO BOB."
- WHO IS THAT WOMAN KISSING MY BOYFRIEND, TAYLOR?!? She clearly means very little to him. I know because when the Foo Fighters won, kissing her wasn't his first thought. Clearly he was trying to figure out who was going to hold his coat. And then THAT GIRL saw Dave Groehl kissing HIS WIFE and felt it her obligation to place her lips on my baby. Don't she know I will cut a chick.
- The announcer just said that Alicia Keys is performing with John Mayer. Maybe they will do Lesson Learned after all...
- Nope, she's doing No One. Whatever, I still love her. She's a bad broad.
- If not for the Lord (and the fact that I don't know him) John Mayer could have it. That's all I have to say about that.
- I love Rihanna's new cut. She's adorable.
- I love Jay-Z's "translation"
- Toya just texted me to say that the show was entirely too long. I couldn't agree more. I've actually been watching Logan's Run during the breaks...and some of the performances. I need this to wrap up. They are losing me with a quickness.
- Amy Winehouse is so talented. Troubled..but talented. She looks healthy. Well, healthy for her. I love this song. Wait, is she singing this song to Blake? Is she saying, she's cheated on Blake? Wait, what is really going on? I'm so confused.
I FREAKIN' LOVE that she's doing Rehab. And yes YOU DO have an idea why you're in rehab. Now you're just lying.
- I love how GENIUELY shocked Amy Winehouse just looked that she just won Song...Album...?Whatever of the Year.
- I'm bored.
- I'm clearly not the target demographic for Josh Grobin so I won't even comment. But I can appreciate the song he is doing.
- Is Jerry Lee Lewis still married to his cousin?
- Little Richard has that shake-n-go weave in tonight. He couldn't afford that good Indian hair?
- I’m so tired I won’t even complain about the ending of the show.
- I think I just deleted a bunch of stuff I typed earlier. Oh well...
If I walked outside right now and saw "Be still and know that I am God" had been mowed into my lawn, I would not at all be phased. I would get my mail out the mailbox and go about my own business. I have seen and heard this message everywhere in the past week but as the new week begins, I am feeling that the theme for this week will be "Rejoice in the Lord always." Let me explain.
I believe most of my closest friends will attest that my best stories start off with "I was minding my own business and..."
"I was minding my own business, walked into get breakfast and saw that guy Jenn was trying to hook me up with..." (later known as Guy A).
"I was minding my own business and noticed this guy on the bus..."
"I was minding my own business and this guy with a guitar sang to me from the stage and..."
"I was minding my own business and the founder and CEO of this famous restaurant chain where we were eating just came over and sat with us during lunch because he thought that the diversity of our table was 'interesting...'"
And on and on and on. Sometimes the situations that I just mentioned had good outcomes, great even. By the same token, some of those situations have had not so good outcomes. Regardless, these were situations that were not at all designed by me.
I have had a gripe with God's sovereignty for some time and I need to get that in check. I can't get mad that the same sovereignty that says "Toya gets to wake up tomorrow morning" also says "Toya can't get what she wants when she wants it or even get it at all". Like God 's protection. I shouldn't pray for God's protection when I leave the house if I don't want this same protection to keep my heart from certain situations where I am so willingly ready to give it over. It goes hand in hand and thank God it does. It's just that my tiny, mortal mind can't make sense of it and therefore finds it difficult to accept.
I fell asleep on the couch tonight and woke up around 2 am. Determined not to spend a second night curled up in my clothes without washing my face again, I headed to the bathroom. As I did, I started thinking abou Job in the bible and how God blessed him with much more than he had after he went through the worst time of his life. Not that Tia and I are remotely going through anything as close to what Job went through but talk about minding your own business and then....! Job went through hell for being FAITHFUL! We are just some knuckleheads. It was a long time before Job questioned God and when he did God came back basically saying "Who do you think you are? You didn't put yourself here so why do you think you have any control?" See I struggle with this part of God. I like the "Be still and know that I am God who leads you besides still waters and restoreth your soul" part of God over the "Check yourself before you wreck yourself God" part of God. But it's like that sometimes.
So wouldn't you know it, I come out of the bathroom and the Worship network is flashing scriptures from the book of Job and not the fun ones. I mean the "Who are you to quesition God" ones. The ones I had just been mad about. But soon thereafter they started showing scriptures about rejoicing always. Sometimes you cannot wait for a situation, a miracle, or that thing you have been praying for to get better in order for you to choose joy and to praise God because He is worthy. Joy is about one of the only things you have control over. Sometimes you have to make a conscious decision and take it by force.
Job lost a lot. He got some back and lots extra but I've always wondered if God healed him from his loss of time and his loss of his children. You can get new things but can new things completely replace old heartache that comes from loss? I wonder that sometimes. Do you ever completely get over it? Maybe that's up to us. Maybe that's another thing we have to take charge of. To reflect on and appreciate what we've gained versus holding onto what we've lost in the process. I have no idea. I'm still going through it. When I get to the other side, you'll be the first to know.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I still can't believe Bobby and Whitney couldn't work it out.
Talk about random.
There is a movie being shot right now called “Toya at 33” starring me. I really don’t understand it and if I could get a heads up on who will be playing the leading man well…you know, I should know by now to watch what I ask for so I am not going to go any further with that.
I showed up late AGAIN for membership class this past Sunday. I had spent a good part of the late hours the night before talking with my friend Mike. Pricilla and I call him Uncle Mike because he always looks out for us and gives us the best advice. This particular evening, he was urging with me to be careful to marry someone with similar passion (which is what I’ve always wanted: Will and Jada, Ossie and Ruby, etc.) We were discussing the number of divorces amongst Christians that seem to be taking place left and right. There were two couples that I knew were having some problems but I had no idea that they were already divorced. This is what Mike said: “Toya, you are called to an area of labor that takes some sacrifice. Sometimes the people who are called to it pair up with people who don’t understand the sacrifice involved…both parties in the pairs mentioned just failed to understand the cost. Love is not enough. It’s a covenant. Every week it’s a new high profile couple going through some drama. Pray for us and understand…SAME RIB, SAME PASSION.”
So since I was late this Sunday, I decided to spend some time in the café and wait for Sunday service to begin. It was then when this woman in her mid-40’s came up to me and started talking to me. She saw me looking at a book of classes being offered at church and asked which one I was taking. I told her I was still trying to decide since there were so many. She said that she was a part of a ministry for those interested in photography and worked with this gentleman named Jeff who was at a table not far from us. Then out of the blue she asked if she could take some pictures of me. Now I don’t love taking pictures, at least not outside of fun shots with friends but I figured why not. She took some and seemed to be more excited about them than I was. She then asked if I would go to the other side of the room and take some more pictures while sitting on a chair. I immediately liked this woman. I love being around people that are passionate about what they do and take every opportunity to fulfill that passion.
”Now give me a really sweet one. Like, think about your valentine.” “Oh, I don’t have a valentine.” “Well, think about your husband. Like think about what you would like for him to be like.” “Yeah, sorry. I really have no idea at this point.” She then walked up to me and showed me two crosses on her neck. “When I was 16, I read a book by Josh McDowell that said to start praying for your husband while you are single. I have kept this extra cross on my necklace to remind me to pray for my husband.” “Oh gosh” I thought. “One of those. One of those ‘husband dreamers’”. I completely judged her mind you. I figured her to be one of those “I can’t wait for my prince to come rescue me” women that was so desperately still waiting to get married… in her mid-40’s. I pegged her to be what would be my worst nightmare. The thing I have fought against being almost my entire adult life: A woman that very obviously wants to be married and wears her desperation on her sleeve…or rather around her neck. “Think of your favorite valentine’s day, then.” I then thought about the Valentine’s Day I spent with 4 kids because as a gift to their parents, I watched their kids and made dinner and cookies while they had their date night. Sadly enough, this couple is now too going through a divorce. Thinking of this night made me laugh and so the picture I took was one of me giggling but not one of me thinking about being in love and trust me I tried. I just couldn’t really even imagine it.
“Do you want anything for these pictures?” I asked suspiciously while writing down my email address so she could send me the shots off our impromptu photo shoot. “Oh no, not at all. Jeff is such a great photographer. He can take any picture and make them look flawless. He uses this…(insert photography jargon here)… You really are beautiful. So photogenic.” I started thinking, “Ok, God. My esteem has been a little on the low side lately. Did you send this woman to make me feel pretty? What is really going on here?” And then she said this…
“One of the pastors asked if I would shoot a baby dedication in December but I was getting married so I couldn’t do it so I got...” “Wait, did you just say that you got married?” “Yeah, I got married in December.” “So you’re married? To who?” “To Jeff!” I looked over and saw Jeff, the aforementioned fabulous photographer, at the next table waving at me.
Same rib. Same passion. Selah.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
(blogger isn't spellchecking for me right now. so sorry in advance for the typos.)
So I was watching the new Smivadee video (because I love him) on youtube. At the end of the video it gave me a couple of links to some other Smiv related videos. Of course because I Stan for the kid I watched the videos. As I'm sitting there watching I realized that my fascination with the Brits and that accent borders on down right obsession. I get really giddy when I hear the English accent. Something constricts in my stomach. A huge grin spreads across my face and I lean in to listen as close as I can to the speaker. It's ridiculous. It's really crazy when you think about it.
I am so damn fascinated with these people that the other night I was trying to figure out if I could take a contract job in London in the summer. I realized that this summer is not happening. But if play my cards right I could maybe do it next year. I basically need to figure out a way to spend 3 months a year in London or the surrounding area. Maybe get a summer home or something.
But seriously, I love those Brits. Like, scary kind of love. Maybe if I get one of my very own it won't be so bad. I can listen to his accent and my fascination will satiated.
Gotta run, I'm late for church. Maybe I'll run into some cute Brit boy there. Jesus if you would so bless me...
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Kirk wrote this song called "I Am God" that I swear not since James Morrison's "Wonderful World" has a song perfectly captured my emotions in the exact moment as this one has:
Think I'm gonna walk away
You're messing up my life today
This time I refuse to pray
Still you keep calling me
I don't wanna see your face
The thing I love you erased
Nothing but an empty space
Now I don't know how to be
I know it wasn't right for me.
What you like aint what you need.
I feel like I'm in surgery
Still you cut deeper
My secrets within
My blanket of sin
Lord how much longer 'till ya through with me
Please take what you need
Can I get up now!?
Be still and know I am God
Be still and know I am God
He may as well dubbed this record, "Fight of My Life: Songs inspired by the movie, Toya at 33." If you have EVER remotely identified with anything I have ever written on this blog, this is your new soundtrack for this chapter in your life. .
Honesty (song by Billy Joel. Why don't I own more Billy Joel? And did the video for Pressure scare the begeezus out of anyone else but me when they were a kid?)- Toya
I yelled SO loud at God today. I yelled repeatedly but I only yelled one word and that word was "Why". "Why evil, why me, why am I selfish, why am I lonely, why am I hurting, why is there fear, why am I ungrateful, why won't you stop this, whyyyyyyyyy?" All I kept saying was why but I am confident that God being God knew exactly about what I was specifically asking.
I was very angry at God today because God is making me grow. He is making me trust Him and he is making me trust myself which is often harder than trusting him. I am awfully uncomfortable and have been in the midst of "labor pains" for some time now. My sleep has been erratic and disturbed by fear. Things have not been this hairy since 7 years ago (7? No wonder) when I first moved to Nashville. Not only was there an emotional discomfort and a harsh paradigm shift that took place but physically I was uncomfortable much like I have been lately. I literally feel as if my skin is too tight for my body; almost as if it needs to be shed. There is a shifting that is taking place. I feel as if God is saying that I have been in the same spot and in the same cycles long enough and since I won't change voluntarily, things will be changed for me.
Thank God for the book of Psalms where we see David wilin' out on God. Had I not had that example, I would have hidden my anger and that is not the kind of relationship The Father wants us to have with Him. He already knows so you might as well yell. How dare God take me out of my complacency? How dare God make me change? How dare God try to take away my crutch of fear? How dare God not give me the man I want before his (not God but the man's) time? I mean, He knows what I can do with potential. There are women in this world benefitting from some of my finest work as we speak. For these reasons and a few more, I sat tight lipped in anger and despair on my couch before I went to pick some things up from the store.
On my way to the store to get some comfort food (a big bowl of cereal is my vice of choice) I thought about last summer. Last summer after the worst period of loneliness of my life, I experienced God in such a new way: in songs, in dreams, in nature. We were just chillin' and then, the honeymoon was over. I had to come down from my mountaintop experience. "Remember when you sent me songs and I felt so loved and protected? I mean, aren't I about due for a new song? Remember that God? That was a good time. If you are the God of love, how can I hide myself in you to be consumed by it right now? Better yet, not even my whole being, just my heart because clearly it needs to even be hidden from me because I don't offer it to the right people all of the time."
The bible says, if you draw near to him then he will draw near to you. It also says to fix your eyes upon Jesus. I take those scriptures to mean, ask, then focus and then keep your eyes fixed because if you don't you can miss what he is about to do.
97.1 FM The Fish was on when I got in my car. Now you can clown Contemporary Christian music all you want to (and believe me I used to and I was in it for years) but start going through something that you don't understand. Come within about 2 centimeters of losing your complete mind and tell me if you will not try and listen to every, Gospel, Christian rock, Negro Spiritual song you can get your ears near. The last thing I need to hear is a love (or lack of love) song right now. I mean, play dcTalk 5 times an hour, I really don't even care right now. Preparing to gun it home, I turned on my car and heard this song that I know that I know that I know came straight from the Lord. He's done this too many times for me to chalk this up to coincidence. I pray that you read these lyrics and are blessed.
Don't Get Too Comfortable-Brandon Heath (my new best friend)
Comfortable, don't get comfortable
I am gonna move this mountain then I'm gonna move you in
Yesterday, this is not yesterday
You were standing on my shoulders now you're standing on the edge
You've been looking for a sign all this time
I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love you like you've never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream (Glory to His name!- I had to shout right there, I'm sorry. I've been praying about my inability to dream for myself for quite some time now.)
This is your new song.
So afraid but you don't have to be afraid
Even if you make mistakes
You know that I'll remain
You've been looking for a sign all this time
If you seek you'll find me everytime
So I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love you like you've never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song
Can you feel the call of love?
Is it moving you to be a child of God of love?
Is it reaching you?
It's everywhere the call of love
I just want to show you what I mean
I just want to love you like you've never seen
Do you want to live like you used to dream?
Then I've got a song for you.
Cuz I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love you like you've never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song
You've got a new song
Monday, February 4, 2008
that Snow was still doing music? I mean, he has a myspace and everything.
I was wasting time on Facebook playing that iLike music challenge game and some song that Snow did called Legal came up. And if I could just take a moment, the iLike game is freakin' addictive as crack. I played it for an hour straight. If you like music like I do you probably don't need to play. If you do just plan on kissing at least an hour of you time goodbye. You will sit there and click and click and click. And then before you know it you have 3000 points and you're missing and hour of your day.
Anyway, who knew that Snow was still doing music. The song that he did was from the L Word Soundtrack and I don't thnk that show has been on for more than 3 years or so, right? So it's fairly recent. But I have to be honest, I was really surprised when I saw the name Snow. And while I'm thinking about it, does anyone know why he's banned from the US unless he's doing a show? I know he did some time just before Informer came out but I thought that was for assault. And folks like Snoop and Suge Knight are known for whoopin' an ass and they walk the streets freely (*coughSugehad2Packilledcough*) so I would think that even if Snow whooped up on someone they would still let him in. Anyway, if you have the details let me know. And for your viewing pleasure:
So tomorrow is Super Tuesday and I am no closer to knowing who I'm going to vote for. It's pretty much narrowed down but I have no idea who's going to get my vote when I walk into the booth tomorrow.
I keep hearing Tom Joyner say if you're not sure you should vote undecided. But it's coming down to the wire at this point and my undecided vote combined with a bunch of other people's undecided vote could make a huge difference. Y'all saw what happened in the last election.
I guess I'm going to have to watch the debates again and try to make a decision. And I encourage you to do the same. Know your candidate before you cast your vote. Know where they all stand on the issues that are important to you. Vote on the issues NOT on race or gender. Hate me if you want to, but you know I'm right. Just like you can't always vote along party lines, you can't always vote for a candidate because he's brown like you or a woman like you.
Anyway, if you live in a Super Tuesday state go out and rock the vote.
(Okay, this is slightly off topic but you like how Prez Bush is trying to pass the stimulus package at the end of his term so that he can go out on a good note. While I'm not about to sneeze at $600 extra dollars in my pocket, it's not going to make me forget the last 8 years. But hey, I'll take that $600. That's some extra padding on the savings account.)
Thank God for Turbotax - Tia
I do my own taxes every year. Last year I was studying to get certified to do taxes. (Can I just say that California laws are ridamndiculous. (Oh, and I'm trying to stop cursing. But it doesn't help that I find curse words funny. Amy Winehouse, by far, has the best cuss word ever but I REALLY try not to use the F-bomb. So that one is out.)) But I got so bogged down with work and trying to move back east that I never got around to taking the certification test. I was going to try again last fall but again, life and stuff happened and I never got around to it.
Now, I'm pretty proficient at doing taxes if they're fairly simple. One of my roommates back in the day was freaking out because when she did her taxes she ended up owning the IRS. I asked her if she's deducted this, that and the other and she said no. After I got done with her she ended up getting a decent refund which was good because she was getting married the following summer.
But while I know what I'm doing for the basic stuff I will NOT sleep on Turbotax. It is MAD easy and almost makes places like H&R Block obsolete. If you've got a bunch of deductions, and you itemize and you own property and businesses then PLEASE, let a professional do your taxes. If you worked one or two jobs, have no dependants and are taking the standard deduction, Turbotax is the way to go. And it's easy. It's actually easier than I remember it being in the past.
I was going to got to H&R Block this year. I had 5 w-2s, 2 1099-Rs (damn, 401(K) penalties), a 1098-E, moving expenses, and I work from home. I just didn't feel like reading all the pages on IRS.gov to figure out what I needed to file. But I kept seeing the commercials for Turbotax and how they'd made it "easier than ever" to do your own taxes. I figured I have a better than average knowledge of tax forms and they keep saying how user friendly it is, how hard could it be.
Man, Turbotax is the bomb.com. Not .net, not .org. .COM I completed and e-filed, my federal, California and Georgia state taxes in about an hour and a half. My forms have already been received. And if Turbotax is as fast as they were the last time I used them I should have my money next week. And hallelujah is the highest praise, I will have enough to pay off my Amex and Capital One (and close both because the borrower is the slave to the lender(Proverbs 22:7 New American Standard version)),buy the TimeLife Soft Rock Favorites and still have money left over the kick into my savings.
While I'm still thinking about getting certified to do taxes (everyone needs a side hustle) I'm thinking Turbotax is going to be the way to go from now on.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Wifey was a song by Next. What happened to our male R&B groups? I swear we only have Jagged Edge, umm, Jagged Edge and… DANG! Jagged Edge!!!! What in the world?
Rejection is a big, fat , hairy, deceptive monster. Not only can it trick you into thinking less of yourself than you ought to, it can even disguise itself as love. Ever wonder why you cannot seem to shake loose the memory of someone that has rejected you? It lingers and lingers, you can’t stop thinking about them and so you chalk it up to “I must really be in love. I just can’t seem to get them out of my head.” It may not be that you are in love. It may be that you just have not been able to let them go yet because you cannot face the fact that what makes sense to you (you two being together) does not at all make sense to them. If you could put a face on the force of rejection that feels like love, it would look just like a maniacally twitching, cockeyed Jennifer Holiday from Dreamgirls in a red dress belting out “And I Am Telling You (I’m Not Going)”. Now, I’m no expert on being in love but I do think I have earned some sort of degree in rejection even if it seems to be the “good” kind.
The rejection I have had to endure since the age of 15 has been what I used to call, The Curse of the Wifey to which I define as “highly respectable, ride or die cheerleader, homie/lover/friend, trustworthy, ready to take home to mama, good girl next door”. I also though that you could add to this definition “boring”. That’s because Wifeys don’t always seem to have the most active love lives. At 15, I had guys telling me that I was the girl that they wanted to marry. Now what guy do you know really wants to get married at 16? Zero. Because of this, I was the girl that they claimed to want to come back and get. They wanted the freedom to go out, get laid, and then come back for the girl that they see their future with. Now that kind of respect for me would sound like a compliment for some but for me it has long been a thorn in my side because wifeys like to kick it too! I remember a friend of mine stepping to the first love of my life when we were teens and challenging him on why he was dating chicken head girls when he knew that he really wanted to be with me. Point blank he said to her,” Oh, I love Toya. I’m going to marry Toya. But there are some things I need to do first.” We were the best of friends so I thought it nothing to just say to him that at 16 I was not trying to be married or be serious. I just wanted to date to which he said, ”No, no. If I date you I don’t want you dating anyone else. Cause when it’s us, that’s it.” It wasn’t until I moved from Jersey to Nashville years later did he realize that his Wife in a Glass Case would not be around when he decided he had no more oats to sow. Even after I moved, it took me forever to let him go and I seriously thought that it was because I was in love. Looking back, I wasn’t in love with him. I just couldn’t deal with the rejection (You can read more about this fiasco in my post, The Relationship that Jacked You Up).
One day I was helping Jared out with something and the topic of the male psyche came up. Jared is always willing to talk about this with me because he knows that I have absolutely no clue as to how men think. I like that about having male friends. You can deliberate all day long with your girlfriends but I am telling you if they were born after about 1968,they’re about as clueless as you are. You need to stop hollering at Keisha and Brittany for advice and go find you a Helen, a Hazel, Mabel, Gladys, someone’s big mama or something. Most of us have no clue. Anyway, I asked him why is it that some guys will hint around to asking you out but some never seem to follow through. My reasoning was the all encompassing (all together now) “He’s Just Not That Into You.” (very good, ladies). Listening intently, Jared answered “No, it’s not always that. Just because a guy doesn’t ask you out doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. There are so many different variables.” I was shocked to hear this because frankly I don’t consider men to be that deep when it comes to how they see women so the fact that they even dealt with “variables” was mind blowing. “Now if a guy is head over heels for you then nothing is going to stop them from pursuing you.” Yeah, I’ve never been the head over heels girl, I thought so I checked that off. “Then there are some girls that if you ask out, they automatically want to know where it’s going.” Yeah, I’m not that girl either. I just simply wanna kick it so I checked that off too. “Ok, well I’m not like that at all.” “I know you’re not. But there are just some girls that you cannot just date. You marry those girls. They are wifey material. You are a wifey.”
To this I stood up and shouted, “Noooooooooo! That is so not fair! I have been a wifey since I was freaking 15! I don’t get it! Why does it have to be that serious?” “I don’t know. It just is.” He shrugged. “But, I’m fun to hang out with!” I defended, implying that I wasn’t the DTR (Define the Relationship) girl. Now, I will not PLAY girlfriend with you but what’s wrong with a harmless date? I turned to our mutual friend, “Brad, aren’t I fun to hang out with?” “Umm, yes” looking startled because he had no idea what he just walked into. “Are you just saying that?” I barked back, because now I’m heated. “No, you are. You’re fun to hang out with.” “Jared, you know I am fun to hang out with cause…wait. You wouldn’t know if I was fun to hang out with. We’ve been friends for three years and we’ve never really even hung out.” I said realizing that that’s just…odd. The only times we have ever spent any time alone have been business related. Jared then smiled, placed his hand on my arm and replied, ”That’s because you’re wifey material.” And then walked backwards and conveniently escaped into a crowd of people.
I went to work the next morning and was miserable, I mean just sick and tired. We have a rule at work: ”You can cry here but you cry and work.” I have to say that while Jared thought that he gave me a compliment, it really hurt my feelings. I am not mad at him at all because it is not his fault that I have my own insecurities. I immediately started to think that if I was more sexy, more daring, more this more that, less talkative, less animated, less this, less that, less intimidating, more accessible, less strong, more coy, WHATEVER, I would be the “Head Over Heels” girl. It’s EXASPERATING and wrong and tremendously unfair to yourself to think if you would only be less and accept less that you wouldn’t have to deal with rejection. I felt exactly like that song from The Wiz that Scarecrow sings, “You can’t win, you can’t break even and you can’t get out of the game.” I sat at my desk the next day, full of self doubt and had to stop myself from crying. When I caught myself, I remembered something. Maxim named my girl crush, Sarah Jessica Parker, The Unsexiest Woman Alive. Now, I am confident enough in my sexuality to be able to say that when SJP comes on the screen, I squeal. That is my homegirl! I love her because to me she is sexy, she is smart, and she is 40 and still cute. Gross Maxim might think she is unsexy because she is not botoxed and boob jobbed but for someone like me who pretty much no one would mistake for being sexy but at 33 has been praised for being cute as if I were an 8 year old with pigtails and two front teeth missing, that’s pretty encouraging.
Sexy comes with a price tag that I probably would return in about two weeks if I was being honest with myself. Tia would like to switch her Curse of the Hot Girl with the Curse of the Wifey with me any day of the week. “Guys see me and they want to do me.” She one day lamented. “Guys look at you and they see the future.” “No, guys look at me and they see the END.” I answered. “Wanna trade?” she asked when I told her the Wifey theory. Heck yes! Ok, well maybe not so much. Tia wrote not too long ago about developing early and having to deal with men treating her like a sex object. I really do try to sympathize and I know it makes her feel gross but she doesn’t hate me when I say that I am a little envious just like I don’t hate her for being a little envious of me at times. Her rejection is a little different from mine. Some guys reject her for who she is outside of her looks because they don’t care about who she really is. No type of rejection feels good so I guess that’s where we can sympathize with one another.
As women, we have got to stop picking ourselves a part because we are told we are intimidating. I mean, enough already. Why would you feel guilty about being a wonderful and worthy woman? That’s so twisted. Look at it this way: when someone finds rare diamonds, they owner doesn’t cheapen them to make them more accessible and affordable to people that can’t afford them, do they? No one’s going to break down a diamond for you because you can’t afford one. You want a diamond, you save up and put yourself in a position where you can get one. Now if you want a Diamonoid, get a Diamonoid. God knows there are plenty around and you don’t have to do much to get one or even two. But know this: Tiffany’s is not going out of business anytime soon because times are hard out here and the cost of diamonds is “intimidating”. Diamonds are still in demand even if not by the majority. Besides, a man thinking that he is not good enough for a Diamond is a reflection of how he thinks of himself.
So no Michael, you can win and no Amy, love is not a losing game. Not for me and not for any of you. I finally truly believe that I am winning. I used to think that I wasn’t though and that the men that rejected me had won. They didn’t win, they forfeited.