Thursday, January 31, 2008
Before you get the wrong idea let me just say that, NO, this is not a bitter rant of a jaded female. But blogging is basically an online diary and right now I am a bit angry so I guess the title is appropriate.
I am utterly convinced that my first child is going to be a girl. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. Plus every first child on both sides of my family is a girl. Yes, I am aware that men determine the sex of the child. I'm just saying...Let me have this.
If I'm being honest, I would much rather have a boy. People say girls are easier to raise. And that may very well be true. My dad always tells me that I'm his easy child. My brother is a constant source of grief for my father. I love the kid but BET has corrupted him. Anyway, if I could choose I would choose boys. With little boys I wouldn't have to worry about trying to do their hair. I can barely do my own hair. That's why I pay someone obscene amounts of money to do mine for me. With little boys it’s a trip to the barbershop and you're finished.
But the main reason that I would prefer boys over girls is you don't have to worry about little boys the way you do about little girls. The world is a scary place for little girls. And it seems like it gets scarier every day. There seems to be the onslaught against the purity of little girls and anyone with any sense knows that it's not going to get any better.
I hit puberty fairly early and at an alarming rate. While all of my friends were wishing they were getting boobs and wondering when the painters and decorators were going to come, I was busy trying to wear a sports bra and a regular bra to strap mine down and trying to not be pissed that I was missing practice because I was surfing the crimson. But the hardest part about it was being trapped in a body that was WAY TOO OLD for me. I remember being at my uncle's house for a bar-b-que and sitting inside reading a book. As I sat minding my own business, some GROWN MEN walked into the house and up the steps. I overheard them talking about me. They couldn't see my face because a huge plant was blocking their view. All they could see were my legs. I heard them saying some very inappropriate things and one of them apparently was going to try to "talk to me." My uncle walked out from the kitchen and overheard them and darn near yelled, "THAT'S C's DAUGHTER." I was barely 12.
And I wish I couldn't say this, but I have more stories like that than any one person should have. It was during those formative years that I realized that I didn't really want daughters. I never wanted a child of mine to have to go through what I was going through. I knew that if I had a girl she would look just like me. (I knew because if you look at pictures of my mom when she was my age I look just like her. And if you look at pictures of my grandmother my mom looks just like her. There are some strong genes in my family.) I never wanted my daughter to feel like an object.
I'm sure my adolescent shaped who I am today. And the woman I am now is heart broken and angry about the state of the young girl. It seems like every where I turn someone or something is trying to devalue the soul of a girl. Music tells them that everything is alright as long as you're in control. Television tells them that being on the pole or at least dressing like they're going to be on the pole is what's up. Videos glorify T&A (real or otherwise) not brains. And the worst part is that a lot of girls believe it.
I won't quote statistics. Mainly because I don't know any. All I can talk about is what I see. I can only talk about the 20 year old girl that I know who has been pregnant at least twice in the last 18 months. I can only talk about the girls I see at the mall who clearly don't realize that answering to "hey girl c'mere" does not garner you any respect. I hate that there are girls out there who think that their boyfriend calling them a "bottom bitch" is a compliment.
And of course we want to place blame. But is it the guy’s fault for telling a girl that she’s got a fatty. Or is the girl’s fault for thinking that’s a compliment? (I actually had a guy tell me the other day that I had a nice fatty. I point blank asked him, “Does that actually work on girls? I’ve been out of the game for a while so maybe I don’t know. But is that what passes for a compliment?” With somewhat of a chastised child look on his face, his response was “Not really….” But clearly it must have worked at some point or he wouldn’t have said it.)
It’s hard to say who should shoulder the most blame. So instead of pointing fingers at one another I say we start looking for solutions. And I think the first thing we have to do is get them while they’re young. As parents, aunts, teachers and mentors we have to instill girls with value while they’re very young. We have to love on them and tell that they are princesses. They should never wonder if they’re loved or feel like they have to go looking for the answer to that question in the arms of a man or woman who will use, abuse or ultimately destroy them.
The heart of a girl is a fragile thing. It dreams dreams. It dances. It sings. It longs to be called beautiful and to be loved for how it is. It’s only after it is beat down, lied to and abused does it begin to think that the only way to get back to its purest form is to try to earn that feeling. And so after being told time and time again that you are nothing more than an object for the gratification of others and that your worth more if you dress less, it’s no wonder that we have scores and scores of girls who just don’t realize that there’s more to this life than the untruths that they’re being force fed.
But if we’re going to tell them the truth then we have to believe it ourselves. Just like India Arie sang about not being her hair, we are not what the world, the media or that guy says that we are. God calls us daughters. God tells us that he is enthralled with our beauty. God tells us that we are MORE than conquerors. That means we don’t have to look like or be video girls to be loved. That means that regardless of what we look like, what we wear, what’s been done to us in the past or what we’ve been told, we are treasures. Respect is the minimum. We are to be loved and cherished. Not gawked at and objectified. God created us to be appreciated and admired. And the sooner we believe that the better off we’ll be. And once we believe it we can teach it to our daughters, our nieces and every other young girl who crosses our path. A girl who knows who she is won’t feel the need to sprawl herself half naked all over someone’s myspace page to feel sexy. A girl who is confident, who knows she is loved, will grow up to be a woman who is confident; a woman who knows she is loved. And a woman who knows who she is is the sexiest thing in the world.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I still think nobody told Danny though.
And I know Donnie's show got cancelled and all but he doesn't have to do this. And do we REALLY want to see Jon? Come on yall! Be fair. "Are You Down?" Nah, dude, nah.
I need to know what sparked this rumor though. Something is behind this. Now don't get me wrong, Tia and I WOULD go if some or all of them came to town. Wewouldn't miss it. But do I think it is a good idea? No. It would be interesting if it happened in any capacity though. Maybe they can get Perfect Gentlemen, Homework and The Goat Brothers to open. How on earth did I remember all of them?
Monday, January 28, 2008
I decided to knock off of work a bit early today. The weather here is gorgeous and I'm going to have a long day tomorrow because I'm flying to Dallas. (Yea for salsa) So since I'm not working, I figured I would try to catch up on some of the music that I've missed in the last 3 weeks.
I was searching around the interweb for a US release date for the new Adele album (it came out today in the UK...stupid musically forward countries) and I don't know how but I stumbled across my current guilty pleasure: Shayne Ward. I LURVE him.
If you have been reading long enough you know that I 1.) love British stuff. Specifically hot British guys, 2.) I'm a hopeless romantic; not the reading of cheesy romance novels kind of "romance" but a believer in love and soulmates and marriage and junk and 3.) love music. So the fact that this cutie-pie British boy is singing about how this girl leaves him Breathless is just IT for me.
I also like that there is no pretense with what I've heard of Shayne's music. It is pure unadulterated Brit Pop.There are no deep lyrics. I don't even know if he can play an instrument. It's just pop music. And I LOVE it.
VH1 did a show not too long ago, I don't remember what it was called, and they went around trying to get bands from the 80s and 90s back together. I remember the episode when they tried to New Kids back together. Danny was NOT having it. I remember he darn near attacked the host and ran over the camera crew. He was not down for the cause.
So when I heard that the New Kids might be getting back together, the first thing I remember thinking, after wondering if Jesus was about to crack the sky, was, "How in the WORLD did they get Danny to agree to this? I wonder how much money they had to offer him." Everyone thinks Jon would be the lone holdout but if you saw the VH1 show you knew it was going to be Danny.
So I wasn't surprised at all when I read that Danny posted the following myspace bulletin about the alleged reunion:
"Hello to everyone. Hope all is well and everyone is enjoying the New Year. I wanted to address the rumors of the NKOTB Reunion Tour. There has been no talk of this and you are getting it from source directly. Never say never, and you can't believe everything you read.
On another note my solo record will be released in Australia in March. There are a few new songs on it and I hope you guys will check it out. Thank you so much for your continued support.
And why does Danny have a whole album? He KNOWS he can't sing. We all know he can't sing. I'm no hater. I'm just being real. There was a reason Jordan and Joey always sang lead. Just like there was a reason that JC and Justin always sang lead and Lance didn't. Or why Kevin Richardson only got a couple of verses per album. Guys that sing bass in boy bands are only there to complete the harmonies. But regardless, I still want to hear it.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
We are living in the last of the last days. Get your affairs in order. Get your life together, because SURELY Jesus is about to crack the sky and come riding in on a white horse. It's the only explaination I have for the rumors of the New Kids getting back together. So far I'm a skeptic. People...needs more people and some ticketmaster show dates. I'll believe it when I see ALL FIVE of the guys saying that they are going to get back together. And what kind of show are they going to be doing anyway? Part of me hopes it's some sort acoustic set...I mean for their dignity's sake. But part of me really hopes that they break out some of the old moves. But we all know Jon struggled with the steps when he was 20 (don't act like he wasn't always half a beat off) so I can't see him doing them now that he's darn near middle aged.
So 3 weeks away from the internet was interesting and challenging and enlightening all at the same time. The first first few days were tough. It was like trying to break a habit. I would think of something and my first inclination was to look it up on the internet. The next few days after that it was like kicking a drug habit. I would think, "I wonder if anyone has left me a comment, nod, quiz challenge on my Myspace, Facebook, Buddytown, etc" I missed Crunktastical like a fat kid misses cake. Then after a while it got easier. I realized I had more time to read and do other things of merit. And I have to admit, it was nice not having to read about Britney Spears on every page that on the internet. So I'm thinking from now on I'll be trying to spend a little less time online. I realized I need to get out more and do stuff. And I will...when it gets warmer. (I don't do cold.) And there is a laundry list of books that I've been swearing that I'm going to read for about forever now that I just haven't gotten around to. (I say this now. But I may be an internet junkie again in another month.)
Anyway, the break was needed but I definitely need to get back to blogging. So here are some of my random thoughts about...well a little of everything.
- Was I the only person who didn't know that Brad Renfro died? I really liked that kid when I saw him in The Client. I think I liked him so much because he was from Knoxville. I was born there. (I'm a Ft. Sanders baby for those who are wondering.) But I always thought he was a fairly talented little southern boy. But when I would see him in interviews it always seemed like someone needed to step in and help him out. CLEARLY, he had a substance abuse problem. But I guess that's Hollywood. No one cares until you're dead. Then they exploit the hell out of you. (More on that later.)
- Hollywood is trying to kill Britney Spears. That child's life is trainwreck and those people will not stop until she pulls an Anne Nicole. Now while I do believe that she is a victim, I think she is partially to blame for her own situation. If you know that you can't go anywhere without dozens of people taking your picture then STAY HOME!!! I heard that she makes like $18k a month. That's enough to have someone make 8 Starbucks runs a day for you. She needs to go to Switzerland, take some time off, get her act together before they're splashing pictures of her in a bodybag all over every station in the free world.
-The Heath Ledger thing is COMPLETELY out of control. I was at the gym when I heard about it. I was on the elliptical which is a pretty good distance away from the televisions. So when I saw his picture on the screen I figured they were going to be interviewing him about the upcoming Batman movie. But then I noticed that it was on another television that was on a different station. So I slowed down to get a better look at the screen (with the distance and the motion, I felt like I was getting vertigo) and I realized they were reporting he'd been found dead. I honestly thought it was a mistake. In my opinion, he was the last person you would think would be found dead from "mysterious causes." You never saw him partying with the celebutants. The only time you really ever saw him out was when he was with his ex or with his daughter. So when they said it was a possible suicide I was totally floored. Of course we came to find out later through the media hysteria that it was probably an accidental overdose.
But that leads me to the point of this whole tirade. After this whole thing, I am convinced that the media is the devil. Honestly, it has been a non-stop assault of speculation and assumption and they have REFUSED to let this man rest in peace or let his family grieve properly, all for the sake of ratings. It's disgusting. No one should have their final moments analyzed by three "celebrity experts" during primetime. No one should have to see the body of their loved one being carted away by the coroner via a live feed on CNN. And frankly every station manager in the world that carried video of Heath Ledger's body being transported to the airport should wonder how they're going to sleep at night.
And I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that once the man is in the ground, the media will be right back to trying to kill Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse. Heath Ledger will be nothing more than a page in history. It's disrespectful and wrong.
- Is it wrong that I couldn't respect my trainer because he was shorter than me? I signed up with a trainer but at the time I wasn't aware that I would actually be working out with the gym who signed me up. They told me he was just the guy in charge of the program. Plus there were other reasons that I assumed he wouldn't be the guy. First of all, I specifically asked for a girl (I wanted a Gillian from Biggest Loser.) And second, I wouldn't have picked the guy that I ended up with even if I didn't want a girl. Not to be mean, but I need a trainer who looks more the part. Not that this guy wasn't buff. But well, he was short and more stocky than anything.
I know I sound like a height snob, but I can't help it. There's something about a short guy that doesn't automatically command respect with me. Remember the cop from the time my rental car got stolen? Even with a 9mm on his hip I still had jokes (in my mind anyway. he WAS after all a cop, regardless of how short he was.) Well anyway, it turns out that I didn't have a problem. I went in for my 2nd training session and was informed that my trainer was, "No longer with the gym." I had been reassigned to Toby. Blond, tattooed, Toby. REALLY???? Whose idea was that? Anyway, I still want a girl. But Toby is good. My abs still hurt with I breathe, so he must have done something right.
-Why is it okay to say a**hole on regular television now?
- Where is Eminem?
- I think I may have successfully convinced Toya to do a BGLU podcast. Now I just need to get a MacBook.
- I just found out that my cousin does brand marketing. So I'm going to talk to her about some BGLU branding. I know we have been saying this for years, but with the economy and the gas being $4/gallon and houses prices in Atlanta in first born child range, multiply streams of income are clearly the way to go. And BGLU is going to get in where we fit in.
I can't wait for Tia to get back so we can talk about this. I mean, I almost want to put all BGLU readers on a conference call because this begs to be discussed. Someone please come forth with an explanation soon.
Does anyone remember when they tried to reunite them on VH1 and they rolled up on Danny Wood who was NOT having it? My man had just dropped off his kids at school and they met him at the gate. They couldn't even show the confrontation, he wild out so bad. I met Danny and Donny once (long story) and well, Danny really is not be messed with. I will leave it at that. I do need to tell that story one day, it's hilarious. Anyway, we need more information. I need to know that this is for some charity, some reality show that benefits charity or one of them needs a kidney and is a charity. There has got to be some legitimate reason. So if someone from Robin Thicke's and Marc Broussard's camp can find us, will someone from the NKOTB camp contact us please? Be it Maurice Starr, Biscuit, Robo. Um, not Robo actually. Yeah, I need to write up that story soon.
"Umm, I think I'm on a date". This is what I mass texted about 6 of my friends from the bathroom of a coffee shop. Troy, my company that evening, insists that I am an enigma. Some sort of mystery woman. One day I just flat out told him that if he just had coffee with me for about a half hour, he would see that I'm really not that deep. At this he smiled and said "I will pursue that." Um, o-o- okay?
I've had guys repeatedly "threaten" to take me out before with no follow through whatsoever so I wasn't holding my breath but low and behold one random Tuesday he called and asked me out for coffee. We met up and I stood back waiting for him to order and pay so I then could order and pay. He turned and said "Toya, what do you want?" "Oh, thanks Troy." I said and then I ordered my new favorite, a sugar free vanilla soy steamer. "So where do you work?". He asked.
Let me take this time to insert a weird dream that I had recently. I had this dream that I was on a date with someone who had invited some of his friends to dinner. They start singing karaoke and someone brings out a cake. One of his friends comes up to me and says, "Do you know what this is about?" I shook my head. He went onto say that it was to celebrate my one month anniversary. A one month anniversary to someone who I didn't even know I was seeing like that but apparently he thought we were. I knew I didn't really like this guy and was just going through the motions. Blank faced, I looked at the cake and then to this man singing karaoke to me and just like some sort of crazed super hero my fist shot straight up and I turbo boosted straight up into the air! I mean just shot straight up for yards and yards, coasted off and flew to the mall for some retail therapy thinking, "Whew,that was close." Dunh dunh dunh duuuuuuunh, The Adventures of Commitment Phobe Woman!!! What in the h
I initially freak out when guys show interest in me first be it the right ones or the wrong ones. Yes, I am a spaz if you have not figured this out from reading this blog long enough. If a guy likes a challenge, I am that one (though it seems like most don't anymore). I get weird, I get "busy", and I push limits. Or at least I used to. I mean it's been a while. A LONG while. I'm hoping I'm not that girl anymore.
So I told him where I worked and the guy making our drinks goes "You work there? Hey do you know...?" Turns out we are in the same field and know a bunch of the same people. The barista and I talked for about ten minutes. He got so distracted that he made my drink wrong. As he started to remake it, I excused myself and went to the ladies room where I sent out my text saying that Troy said he would pursue getting to know me better so there we were. These were my responses:
Tia: "I think it's a pre-date."-best answer in my opinion.
Lizzie: "Who is it?"
Jared:"I believe that you are. Sounds like he's doing it the right way ;-)"
AM: "It so is. Make out and end the drought."
"Do not clam up on this man", I thought as I left the bathroom. I picked up my freshly made drink and went to our table. I asked him about his day, his work and pretty much anything else so the conversation wouldn't turn to me. And then he asked "How did you get to Nashville?" That question requires the longest answer in the history of the entire world. As I explained, I thought to myself that this was not so bad. In fact it was rather...normal. I didn't feel a twitch in my arm to fly off, I didn't freak out wondering what it was he really expected of me. It was cool.
Aftwerwards, I wrote everyone back saying that I didn't necessarily think it was a date but maybe a pre-date at best. Either way, it was nice to be asked out. He asked if we could have coffee again later on that week and I honestly was busy and couldn't but who knows? I would consider going out again and not giving him the "ya know, I'm just really busy" speech that I used to shell out all the time. I mean for God's sake, it's just coffee.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
"People get ready, Jesus is coming, soon we'll be going home..."- Crystal Lewis
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
"I can't stop crying...I can't pull over, there's a truck coming...and I can't see because I can't stop crying..."
"Ok, you definitely have to stop crying if there is a truck coming. You are my person (Grey's Anatomy reference) and well, I can't have you getting hit by a truck."
This is the conversation of consolation that Tia and I had this evening after I had seen Tag for the first time in a while. After I saw him, I got in the car and just felt this weirdness in my chest. I called Tia. "That was...hard. I don't know why really it was just hard." Now this isn't the first time I've seen him since we stopped hanging out together but for some reason it just hit me that not only are things not the same between us but they never will be. The more I kept talking the more it started to make sense.
Tia mentioned to me that Tag told her that I had stopped returning his phone calls which is true. I needed to set some new boundaries and am responsible for this change in our friendship. I can now unashamedly confess that I don't find it possible for me to be best friends with someone who is on a 11 (okay maybe 9) year delay of being the guy I've always wanted to be with. And as much as it hurts (and it really does), this does not compare to how horrible I felt sometimes after we would hang out. To quote our pastor, John Mayer, as Tia and I often do, you always need to "keep on moving to protect your situation". This is me protecting my situation. If I don't no one else will, not even Tag.
I remember when I tried to hip him to this. I clammed up terribly because you know, I have a somewhat allergic reaction to vulnerability? He asked me if I still had feelings for him and I told him no which is the truth. I am not hurting because I am in love with him, I am hurting because I miss us being friends. We used to be inseperable. Then in response to all I had just told him, Tag mustered up all of the sincerity he could in his precious little perfect face and said, "Well since you are over me, have you ever thought about us kissing? Cause I mean we could..." Yeah, trusting him to help me guard my heart is a no.
I liken this to certain foods that I can't keep in the house. There are to be no Frosted Flakes in my house. I will eat a whole box in 3 days. I don't have the time nor the discipline to not eat them all and franklyi don't find it worth it to try to train myself. I can't afford the pounds that would come with the inevitable failure that would occur before I would actually, if I ever actually, had the will power to limit how much I ate. It is just best for me to not eat them at all. So it is with this situation. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do and sometimes what you gotta do is go cold turkey
So after I explained to Tia why it seemed so hard this time, she told me that things could be worse and that I really was ok. In fact I am better now than I have ever been regarding this whole disaster. Then it happened. "But I miss my friend so much", I said barely getting the words out. Then I started bawling...in the left lane...on Highway 65...needing to pull over because I couldn't stop crying to see where I was going and there was a truck coming. It has recently occurred to me that I may need to stop saying that I am not a crier because while tears don't come too easy for me, they seem to be coming more often. Tia will tell you, I don't waste tears. I'll suffer a migraine first. I didn't even see this outburst coming.
I miss my friend. I mean, more than words can ever describe. I'm sad that things can't be normal between us but I have to be fair to myself. I am frightened sometimes at how good I am at hiding my feelings. I know if I wasn't being honest about what I have to do for me, I would suck it up because I hate vulnerability. And while I probably needed to let it all out tonight, I didn't because I had a party to be at and Fun No Worries Happy Toya had to make an appearance. Like I always say, ignore and deny, ignore and deny...
As I've said before, it's rough out here. "This doesn't seem...fair." Tia has often said that about this area of my life. I mean, there are some things I don't blog about because I seriously don't think yall would believe me. Like the time my face got smashed (not literally) on the internet. Yes, the world wide web. As Tia and I watched it unfold our laptops, she said it yet again. "This just doesn't seem...fair." I honestly had nothing to say.
I miss my friend. That is all. I'm not going to beat myself up over it because it is what it is. But what it is, feels terrible. I can't sugar coat that anymore.I realize just a few posts ago I was talking about waiting. And truthfully, I never want to post something without a glimmer of hope or an encouraging word; a scripture, uplifting anecdote something. But there are two things that I am certain of: sometimes sharing that you are hurting does help someone and two, I can't tell the victory of the outcome of this circumstance if I can't be honest about the pain that occurs while going through it. This has humbled me so much. This was NOT supposed to happen to me. I remember saying to Tag one day "but it's you. I am not supposed to be struggling with...with YOU!" "Why?" he asked. "That hurts my feelings when you say that." And I didn't mean for it to hurt at all but seriously, three years? It's like getting through a three year parfait. Every so often there seems to be another
layer to get
Thursday, January 17, 2008
"Nothing tastes as good as you want to look".
Here's to tank top season…
Maroon 5 will be doing CMT Crossroads with Sara Evans at the end of this month in Nashville. This is not a drill.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
*runs to stereo and plays Whitney's "Didn't We Almost Have It All".*
I may need a few days...
Monday, January 14, 2008
We aren't even half a month in and Tia and I are having a TIME. I mean it's been rough for a lot of us. I have had more girlfriends going through some more wild stuff than ever before and my answer has been the same in every case. "Hey man, it's hard out here. Damn a pimp!" I don't know what's about to pop off but I am hoping that we all get through it soon. This is not a time to run from the Lord. This is "Put Jesus in a Headlock" time because it's real serious right now and we need to be as close to His love, mercy and strength as we can get.
I have learned so much since I turned 33 last month and one thing that I've learned is that I am a big, fat liar. Not to people as much as to myself. I didn't even know I was lying! I didn't know that I have so much pride. I consider myself to be a pretty transparent person but I can't be honest with you about something that I have not been honest with myself about. So consider this my confession and plea of repentance. My lie has been this: if I get married, cool. If not, cool. I really don't care. Survey says? Big stinkin' liar. I discovered this one morning as I looked up at the ceiling and asked "Lord, tell me the dreams that you have for me. I'm stuck. I know you want more for me than I do and my dreams seem so subpar." It then occurred to me to ask, what dreams do I have for myself. Blank. "Well, I want to be a media coach. That's not hard. Ooh and I need a new car. Ok, this is wack." I then remembered that I used to dream when I was younger. I wanted to A&R at Columbia Reco
rds but I refuse to work for a major label so that's no longer a dream. Then I remembered what my dream used to be: to be married to someone with the same dreams and passions. That he,who was my best friend, and I would give to charities, be known to be hospitable and giving and have a marriage that not only blessed others but was an example to all. "Ok, back up" I thought. "You just said your dream was to be married." "No I didn't. " Yes, I was arguing with myself. You've done it too, don't trip. It dawned on me that if I didn't give a rip about being married I would've said that I would do all these things with my company or a business partner. But that's not what I see. I see Will and Jada. I see Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee. I see Tisha Campbell and Duane Martin. I see a marriage with a purpose.
Upon sharing this with my mother she said I have always psyched myself out. "You will never say what you really want. You'll mention it, but you will follow it by saying if that doesn't happen, you'll be fine." Just last week Jared told me that he didn't call me back after I freaked out on his voicemail about something I was so upset about because all I kept saying in the midst of my freak out was "I'm fine. I'll be ok." I was hurt that he didn't call me back but it was my fault for trying to smooth things over thinking he would read my mind and know to call me back. I never told him that I needed him to be there for me (I know so little about how men think). And so this has been my view towards marriage: because I grew up around women who you can tell at first glance that their lives are on hold or in misery because they are waiting to be married, I will only show signs of apathy towards it. I have always known that I didn't want to be married before 30 & I didn't want to be piti
ed. Now I am indifferent as to whether I have any children or not so this was easy to sell, even to myself. So when people brought up marriage, it was almost like they were talking about a disease. I would just reject it. The truth is that I am afraid to be married and I am afraid to not be married. I would love to be in a relationship but the idea of commitment and all that's involved in making them work seriously makes me hyperventilate. I once had a dream that everytime I went to a wedding or went on a date and things got serious, my fist would shoot up in the air and I would fly off like a super hero. Dunh dunh dunh duuunnnhhhh Commitment Phobe Woman!!!! I have so much fear it is, well, frightening.
So in discovering this and believing that God wants to give me the desires of my heart, I started to pray for an answer. This is one area of my life that I feel I have no control over. I can make my own career but I can't make a mate. And I don't want anything badly enough to ask a man out. I at least wanted a sign or something. Is this going to happen? Is it true that not all women that want to be married will be? If it seems like everyone is doing it then why can't me and my fabulous friends seem to even get asked out on a date? God, I need you to say SOMETHING, even if it's no.
After I prayed this, I started to go to bed. As I have been doing since I got my television (finally) I left the Worship Network on. Now call me an old church lady if you want to but the Worship Network is that jawn (that means it's the best for those not from the northeast). Every day they have beautiful moving shots of nature and praise and worship music with encouraging scripture that pops up on the screen. In between songs a person comes on and gives an encouraging word. I am so addicted to this channel. Anyway, I turn my head from the screen and this woman comes on to tell a story. "Christy asked her father for a cat when she was 15 and to her surprise, her father gave her the exact cat she has always desired. So it dawned on her if I can get the cat I wanted, I am going to start praying for the husband I always wanted." Insert screwface here. One of my biggest fears is that God would make me be with someone I wasn't really attracted to for my own good because security is mos
t important than looks and I probably needed an older, more settled (read "dull") man. God designed our likes and dislikes. Why do we think God is such an ogre? Suspicious, I turned my head towards the screen and listened. The speaker went onto say that Christy grew impatient with her request and decided to date a guy that did not share the same beliefs and was not good for her. Remember the desire of her heart was to be with a man that shared her beliefs. "Time went on and she knew that this was not the best plan for her life. She broke up with him and it was the hardest thing she ever had to do." Then they started showing signs of nature and went on to another song."Oh uh uh. Yall play too much." I thought. " I am hanging on the edge of the bed waiting for this woman to tell me what in the world happened to Christy!" She comes back on and says that Christy asked God for His forgiveness for not making wise choices and months went by. One day she was at worship team practice at ch
urch (remember the wait and wait story I blogged about not too long ago?) and the cute guitar player came up and asked her out for coffee. Okay, this hit me where I live because Lord knows I love a man with a guitar. "After they had coffee he asked her on a date. Then a year later, he asked her to marry him. Christy knew that he was worth the wait. He was everything she had always wanted. " She then went onto quote the scripture about waiting on the Lord and being of good courage. "Sometimes God just wants us to wait." she said and smiled as the next song started to play. I just stared at the screen with my mouth wide open.
I believe that this was random but not random. It was about 1 am. I have had enough experiences in my life to know not to count things as coincidence. Yes I definitely needed to be encouraged to wait (which is much better than no) but I seriously needed to be reminded to have courage. In my mind, I had already compromised some standards, morals even, in order to just get a quick fix. It's so not worth it. I know it's not and I've struggled to not give into these impulses. Again, it's hard out here and there is comfort in knowing that I am not the only one it can be hard for. I sometimes find myself wanting to be so strong and encouraging that if I show signs of discontent, I feel I will let others down. That's not fair to anyone including me.
So if you're feeling the same way as I do, know that we'll get through. Keep heading towards the mountain, swinging for the fence. Okay, I didn't come up with that on my own. That's a couple of lines from a Damien Hornes song that I sing to myself from time to time. But I really believe it. I love the scripture that talks about not giving into temptation and remembering that there are others around the world that are going through it too. I need to share my fears as well as my victories. Hopefully soon I will be able to share my victories from my fears.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
The church that I go to is doing a 21 day fast. For those of our readers who don't know, a fast is kinda like Lent. (I guess defining one religious act with another is really moot. But whatever...) Anyway, I've decided that for the next 21 days, I'm giving up the internet. I spend WAY TOO MUCH TIME on myspace, Facebook, Crunktastical, TMZ, Perez Hiltion, Concrete Loop....you get the idea. So I'm taking some time away. I'm sure this makes no sense to some of you. But I'm sure others of you feel me.
Toya will be holding it down on her own for a while. So if she seems slack shoot her an email. :)
Friday, January 4, 2008
Thick Girls Rock on SOOOO many levels. I might start going to the gym less.
"I need to place a large order for some wings. I won't be picking them up until After 7."
" So how many wings does it take until YOU get the'itis'? About six? Maybe after 7?"
"I can't stop how I feel about these biscuits!"- Ok, that one was mine and it was terrible. I know, I know.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
So I am completely and utterly in love with movie Hairspray. The new one. I have the 80s version and the one that came out last year on DVD. I used to watch the 80s version all of the time. I knew all of the songs and the dances and was in love with the lead guy who played Link...what was his name...?
Anyway, I was a little skeptical about the recent one. The whole John Travolta in drag thing threw me off. I figured he was a no Divine. But I LOVED it instantly.
My dad got me the 2007 version for Christmas and I think I can safely say that I've watched it about 13 times since I got back from my mom's house. I FREAKIN' love it. I know the songs. The random deadpan one-liners. "Have you been falling asleep in History?" "Yes...Always." I know almost all of the steps to The Nicest Kids in Town. And who knew James Marsden could actually sing? I am obsessed. I even went out and bought the soundtrack. It is an illness. And I'm actually surprised that my father hasn't pulled his hair out. I'm sure he is sick to death of me running around the house singing You Can't Stop the Beat. (Apparently you really can't.)
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
(I took 2 Tylenol PMs not too long ago because my shoulders and hamstrings are killing me. So I apologize in advance if this is disjointed and rambling.)
So it's a new year. Someone recently asked me what I'm taking from 2007. I really don't know. I haven't really taken the appropriate time to reflect on last year. I had a busy year. I moved back from LA. I quit the industry that I'd been working in for 4 years, only to return to it after realizing that I don't like kids as much as I thought I did and now have no idea what I really want to do with the rest of my days. I was single again for another year. Which if I'm being honest, I really hated. The hopeless romantic in me seriously longs to be in a committed relationship that's going somewhere. And being 30 and single was never in the plan. Hell, I was the 8-year-old who wanted to get married. But forget all that...I turned THIRTY. How did that happen? Where did 3 decades of my life go? Why do I still feel like I'm 25? Does that ever stop? Do I ever feel like a "grown-up?" And what does grown up feel like?
I guess I did realize a few things this last year. I have gotten a bit more selfish as I've gotten older. In that I mean, I want what I want and I want it my way, which is usually NOW. While I do want to get married, some of my reasons for wanting to get married are pretty selfish. Let's be honest, holding out for sex is neither fun nor easy. But it's my choice so I feel like I can't really bitch about it, now can I? So I'd like to jump the broom with someone so that I can...you know what, I'm not going to say what I want to do because I don't want to taint the idea of what y'all think of me. Just know when it does pop of it's going to POP OFF.
But part of me worries that I've been single for so long that when some guy does come along I have to learn how to commit, and share (MY Guitar Hero. NOT YOURS!), and submit and all of that other stuff that comes along with marriage that frankly, I will struggle with it. I am the only person that I've had to be with for 30 consecutive years. How do you seamlessly introduce someone into your world when it's just been you for so long?
But regardless of my marital status, I can say that I am much happier than I have been in years...maybe ever. Toya recently told a group of our friends that I used to be a happy hater. She's right. I used to revel in my misery. Woe is me. Life was hard for me and so there's no need to be happy. I want to wallow in my misery and drag you into to. Yeah, no more of that. God has blessed me tremendously. He has spared me from A LOT of things that I know about and I'm sure countless things that I know nothing about. I'm finally learning that the God's love is my strength. If God truly is love like he says, then every time that I feel love from my parents, my siblings, my friends, or for those people, I am experiencing God. And I don't know about you but that's reason enough for me to have some joy.
(I just realized that I'm not going to be able to take a nap tomorrow. It will be the first day I haven't had a nap in about a week.)
WHY DID HEAVEN HELP ME BY DEON ESTUS JUST COME ON THE RADIO???????????????????
Anyway, I don't know what's going to happen in 2008. But I did have a revelation this morning. I decided to once again try to read through the Bible. I've attempted this a couple times before but usually fizzle out around April. But this year feels different. The times before that I've tried to do it it was because I felt obligated. Usually someone at church would suggest it and I would feel like a failure because I couldn't for the life of me tell you where the book of Obadiah was in the Bible. (Obadiah is a book, right?) But this year I just want to do it. Not because someone suggested it. Not so I will feel like a "good Christian." I just want to.
So I printed out a Bible reading plan from online this morning and dug in. Of course it starts with Genesis. I initially took that for granted. Anyone who has ever even driven by a church has read the story of creation. But as I continued to read I noticed something. Each day was the same. God said...and it was so. God said let there be light. And there was light. God said let the water and ground separate and it was so. God said let there be trees and bushes and such and it was so. You get the general idea. God said it. And then it was so. Now if God said that he would grant us life everlasting, joy unspeakable and give us the desires of our hearts if we delight in him, then that means it will be so. I realized that God will not withhold any good thing from me and I can believe it because he said it. Does that mean that I'm going to win the lottery, marry a hot, tall, God-loving, British footballer and be ecstatically happy every day for the rest of my life now that I have this realization??? Probably not. God is not Santa. Plus, I don't play the lottery. And this is real life, which means that being ecstatically happy every day isn't really possible without a lot of mind altering drugs. Now the hot, tall, God-loving British footballer is more than doable....But what I'm saying is that I realize that God does love me. That he will grant me the strength to get through the hard times. That I can have joy (which is not the same as happiness.) I realized that it is possible to have a peace that surpasses all understanding. Why...? Because He said it. And that makes it so.
The PM in the Tylenol is strong, so I hope this all made some kind of sense. My prayer for you is that you will go into the new year knowing that God loves you not for what you can do or what you have, but simply for who you are. And he wants great things for you. He said it. That makes it so.
I thought it was interesting that both Toya and I did nothing today.
I had a fairly low key New Year's. I went to church and met a beautiful boy named Jonathan, who sidled up next to me out of nowhere and asked me if I wanted to sit with him. Nice guy, loves Jesus, tall, probably about 22 years old, you know the type. Anyway, through him I met some other people and ended up going to a small after church New Year's get together. Got home around 2:30. Went to bed at 4. Got up after noon. Went back to bed around 2. Got up at 5. Made some chocolate chip pancakes that I'd been feenin' for throughout the whole of my dreamless sleep. Went to the gym. Watched Biggest Loser. (Ummm...yeah, I have a crush on Bob the trainer. Although, I think he may bat for the other team. But the tats all up and down his arms make me want to believe that I have a shot. And since he was born and raised in Nashville, there is a better than average chance that he will be there visiting family at some point and I can run into him casually and ask him what his interests are...who you be with?) And now I am back in the bed, listening to Adele. Not a bad day. Not a productive day. Just a day. Happy New Year, y'all.