Sunday, November 2, 2008

Private Party- Toya
I need India Arie to come on with a new record so I can add more to my life soundtrack.

"Look who it is! My future ex-wife!"
My favorite coffee shop boy yelled this as he saw me walk through the door. I was surprised to see him because last I heard he had left for a life on the road.  The only time I got to see my eternal school girl type crush was on billboards.  But he's back now after quitting his band for something only he knows about.  "I don't want to screw up the probability wave by talking about it."  he told me when I asked what was going on.  "Hey, if you're happy then I am happy" I told him. I am going to try my best not to look over at him and giggle while I am writing this. 

It is amazing how we can let boys make our day and ruin our day. Just last night I had my annual "Lament My Love Life" party where I mourn my love misfortunes while eating something fattening and watching Halle Berry play me in Boomerang. I promise I am Angela Lewis to a T.  I fell asleep before I got to my favorite part that I recite every time with my hand over my heart like it is the pledge of allegiance.  It goes something like "I might not be all glamourous and have a weave going all down my back but you know something Marcus? I have heart. And you know what's so sad about having heart? It's that it gets broken by selfish men like you. Now stay the f*** out of my life!" Yeah, something like that. Anyway, I have often felt like that. Not the most glamorous and not the most noticeable but the girl next door and everyone's sister. I'm not saying this for sympathy or to be self deprecating because it's really not THAT bad. It just is what it is.  

So my friend Lynn called me last night and I got her up to date with all of the misfortunes of my love life: the boy I met 10 years too late, the guy of my dreams (literally), the gay guy, the guy that I almost let ruin me for all of the other guys, the guy that got away, and on and on and on. How I seem to be the girl that everyone loves but no one really likes and blah blah blah. But then I woke up this morning and decided that I wasn't doing this anymore. Not for one more minute and not for one more year.  Because this is life and it's not easy (Side note- I know they aren't playing "My Hero" by Foo Fighters in here right now. Why do I want to jump on top of this table and act like I am playing Rock Band). Anyway, truth be told, living in the past is wack. "Whoa is me" is wack too.  I'm tired of this. I'm tired of reliving this. So why would I purposely go back to feeling miserable about everything?

Because I let myself get unfocused.  I think as single women, we are not taught how to wait realistically. If you are a Christian woman you can be lied to in a number of ways, sometimes straight from the pulpit. The amount of bullshishery I have heard is mind numbing. If you don't desire to be married, you are selfish and ungodly. If you do desire to be married, you have not entirely given yourself over to Jesus and are even more ungodly. I mean, what are you suppose to do?

I wish I had the perfect answer but I don't. I have, however, always liked this verse:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Phil. 4:6-7)

Be anxious for nothing- Check. I rarely trip about this area of my life anymore.
By prayer and supplication- Double check.
With thanksgiving- Umm...

Prayer and supplication with thanksgiving? Thanksgiving for what exactly? My guess, is to be thankful for what God has done. 

Psalm 103
1 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
      with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
    2 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
      may I never forget the good things he does for me.
    3 He forgives all my sins
      and heals all my diseases.
    4 He redeems me from death
      and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
    5 He fills my life with good things.
      My youth is renewed like the eagle’s

Sometimes remembering His goodness will give you hope for what He can do despite the circumstances. For instance, I can be thankful that God truly has mended my broken heart. Even if I still had a ways to go, I could at least be thankful that He has the ability and the desire to. I can be very thankful that I am no longer emotionally attached to anyone that has broken my heart that is until I CHOOSE to be when I decide to give myself a pity party. I think thanksgiving is what keeps you from having a stank attitude. I mean, the more I think about it, to ask God for something and then complain about why you don't have it has got to be pretty bogus to God. That may be why last night I didn't get to the peace that was to guard my heart and mind. The peace that passes all understanding should guard your heart and mind against your listening to other women complain about how there is no good men and the odds are against you. The same peace should guard your heart and mind from being afraid and depressed about the past and what may seem to be a bleak future according to CNN (I am still mad about that article).  

This reminds me of something we did for my mother when she turned 40. I am sure I have told this story before but it is worth repeating (even if it's just for me).  When my mom turned 40, we gave her a surprise party. We knew she wanted something special and we were more than happy to do it for her.  However she was anything but pleasant.  She moped and complained about the gifts that she got and that no one really cared. It got on my brother's and my nerves so bad that we often wanted to ruin the surprise and tell her that she was getting a really extravagant party that some of her childhood friends were flying in for. She just would not believe that the people that cared for her were going to do anything special for her. Also, she was trippin' about turning 40 (that alone will preach).  Anyway, even with all of the complaining, moping and ungratefulness, we withheld her surprise until it was time and the time just wasn't on her birthday but a few days after on a day where everything would be just right. Take that anyway you want to.

All of this to say, I am not exactly happy that I chose to spend an evening living in the past but I am not going to trip about that right now because well, that is the past.  What I will do however is keep it moving and trust that God has everything under control.  Timing is everything and I don't want anything ruining what He has so carefully planned for me that will not only make me happy but will make Him happy also.  God loves to do good things for us that will make us say that it could have only have been Him that did it.  Hey, who am I to rob Him of His happiness? I think I'll just let Him have at it from now on. 

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