Monday, November 17, 2008



BGLU's, Can We Talk? I Mean Can We REALLY Talk?- Toya
*I understand that we have quite a few readers who are not Black Girls Like Us so please don't feel as if I am excluding you because I am not. Read, comment, hey, it's all good. This is just specifically addressed to BGLU's like my "When It's Time to Change, It's Time to Rearrange" blog was directed towards Christians.

You know, it's been a long time since we have received any hate mail. *sigh* Whatever...

I sent the above picture to Tia with the subject "Get Ready to Lose Your Damn Mind" because I know that she will (and I so wish I was there to see her) yelp with glee when she opens it.  There is no doubt in my mind. Tia has always been very comfortable in her preferences.  She is completely unapologetic. Over the years we have both received numerous hate emails for even putting white men on our site. I remember one where a man wrote us and said that we were nothing but the white man's whores but then turned around and said that he treats every black woman with respect. Cute. Tia's stance has always been, I like what I like and you like what you like. Mine has been more of a what's the big deal? We love men. Why can't we love John Krasinski AND Mos Def? I don't see the problem.  I don't think I have ever stated what my personal preference was on this blog before and I think it's because it has become somewhat of a sore subject for me.  

Now it's no secret that I love me some boys with floppy hair. Anyone see the scene on The Office on Thursday when Jim saw Pam in the parking lot? Yes and amen! I'd picket outside of NBC if they ever made him cut his hair. I have always been attracted to guys that look very different from me and anyone in my family, including black men.  Meaning if you look like you could be my brother or could play golf with my dad, I am not interested. But anyone that knows me knows that I love Common, Most Def, Donald Faison, and some other brothers who don't remotely look like anyone in my family.  I want to make this clear: I love black men.  I am just not convinced that they love me.

I have always been most likely to date outside of my race but not because I was mad at black men. Just recently I realized that I may be a little angry and just didn't realize it until I was listening to The Michael Baisden Show. I love me some Michael Baisden. I don't always agree with what he has to say but I enjoy hearing his point of view and I think he does a good job. And even though George Wilburn hurt my feelings something terrible recently, I will go on and say I love him too. This is what happened: Michael Baisden was doing a show on interracial relationships when a white man called from Atlanta and said that he is dating a black woman. They were shocked that he was dating a black woman in Atlanta. I don't know why because friends I have there say that you will be hard pressed to find a straight black man in Atlanta nowadays.  Not only was he dating a black woman in Atlanta but he was dating a black woman in the College Park area of Atlanta.  They couldn't believe it. This is what George Wilburn said:

"Is she flat chested? She must be flat chested. She got a flat booty doesn't she?"

Wow.

Feeling like I had been punched in my own flat chest, I looked at the radio in shock and hurt and turned it off.  

Let me go on the record by saying that I am by no means busting out anywhere, top or bottom. I got everything from my mama but her figure.  This has been a sore spot in my self esteem for years (see June 2003's "Back WHAT Thang Up?)as I heard my dad, brother and uncle often comment about how a real black woman is supposed to look like and what they find attractive.  It's a hurtful thing for me as I have been teased about not looking like what black women are supposed to look like. You look at BET and even though a lot of those images are degrading, they still reflect, although poorly, what many consider a real black woman looks like and frankly they don't look like me. And the music? You would be hard pressed nowadays not to hear a rap or R&B song that doesn't mention ass at all. As far as my black male peers go, I am often respectfully looked at like a sister but not anything more.  I remember going to a black First Friday event at a club and feeling so out of place.  Not just because almost every song was by a Yung something or Lil so and so and I listen to none of that, but because I observed how the black men there interacted with the sistas there. The ones I knew think I am a cool chick just not a desirable one. Sometimes I feel completely invisible. I may be wrong but as they say, people see their own perception as reality.

So when I heard George Wiburn say this it made me think: Could it be that the reason the only men that compliment me are white is because I don't look like what I guess black men would consider a real black woman? Before I turned the radio off, Michael Baisden mentioned that sometimes people of other races see the beauty in outside races that the people in that race ignore. For instance, the same person who may be viewed as too dark in their race, a person from another race may find their dark skin to be beautiful.  Who knows? All I know is that I do not want to marry a white man because I feel rejected and am mad at black men.  Ever. I have no problem with the idea of marrying a white man. I just don't want to marry a white man by default.   Last year, I met up with a girlfriend in high school and I shared this with her. She looked at me and said "Oh if you want to be married you will. You might as well accept that. I don't know why you're surprised." That's crazy! 

So back to the picture above.  Tia would look at that picture and smile because that is what she hopes for.  I on the other hand can smile at it but inside feel a little worried that that picture is my only choice of what my future can look like. If that's the case then fine but I have made it quite clear to my opposing family and friends that I do not want to hear it. Don't ask me why I am still single and then have plenty of noise for me if I start dating a white man.  I guess it just is what it is.

P.S. Post...
Thanks everyone for your comments. I hope that no one sees my posts as being self deprecating. That was not my intent. I am just concerned about the state of black men/black women relationships as a whole. It just seems that so many of us are angry and don't trust one another. I don't want to be a part of that so when I realized that I may be just a little bitter, I had to ask myself why that was. Trust, I'ma do me! LOL!

You look at music today, Chris Rock's comments and some of the emails we have gotten from black men saying that they are indeed angry at black women and it just makes you wonder what is really going on in our community. I remember getting my oil changed early one morning and two brothas walked by and said good morning to me. I looked up and smiled and said good morning back to them. I heard one of them say "Wow, she actually spoke back."  We can just be so mean to one another for no reason. The bottom line is that we are all to love one another. If I have any bitterness in my heart towards anyone, I want that worked out immediately. I always want my heart to be in the right place. 

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