Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Why NCMO doesn't work for me anymore - Tia
We are nothing else if not honest here. No one can ever read this and say, "You know, they just never seemed to open up."

I guess I should start with defining NCMO for those who don't know. NCMO is an acronym for Non-Committal Make Out.(Pronounced Nick-mo) Yeah, it's a bit juvenile, but it's easier to say and it's one of those things that just stuck.

I used to be a make-out whore. I kissed a lot of boys, guys, and a few men in my olden days. In my mind since I was wasn't having sex (but I am HUMAN), the least I could do was kiss the boys I wanted. And I wanted. Some of the guys were boyfriends. Some of them were random guys in the club. (My first spring break in college was ridiculous. Seriously...? 18-year olds in Daytona??? Sexless but ridiculous.) And then there were the guy friends. You know the ones you've been friends with for almost forever and kissing them is almost incestuous. But it's not quite, so you do it. Yeah, I was that girl. If kissing were an Olympic sport, I would have been Michael Phelps. (I said it...so what?)

As I got older I became more selective in who I would kiss. While I still loved a good make-out session, I wasn't so quick to just do it with anyone. As the years ticked by after college I started to long more for relationships rather than the momentary thrill. But of course there were the random..."happenings" if you will.

I started noticing a pattern, though. It seemed that depending on the number of NCMO happenings I had with a guy, one of us would start catching feelings. Regardless of how adamantly both of us agreed that it was NCMO and nothing else, somehow feelings got involved. Enter awkwardness. 99% of the time the feelings aren't mutual and the other person ends up hurt.

After hurting and being hurt I began to take a step back from the NCMO. I guess with maturity came clarity. While the desire was no less (still human) the outcome didn't seem to be worth it, regardless if I were the hurter or the hurtee.

Enter Edward

A few months ago I was at Best Buy minding my own business. That's usually how it starts. This tattoo, pierced white guy walks up to me and asked me if I needed any help. I was looking at car stereos and needed something that would be compatible with my iPod. We talked shop for about 15 minutes. Then we talked for about an hour. Apparently tattoo, pierced, convicted of a computer felony (wait, a SMART reformed thug...HELL YEAH!!!) Edward likes blacks girls. But of course you do. And you would love to take me out on a date. Well, yeah, that makes sense.

Other than a several run-ins at Best Buy (since there aren't anymore Towers, it's Best Buy or Wal-Mart.) Edward was never more than my crush at Best Buy. And then he changed the game. His roommate was making dinner and was having some people over. Who I like to come? I figured it wouldn't be just the two of us and I would be safe. So I accepted the invitation. Fast forward 3 hours and Edward being the gentleman he is(and having the ulterior motives that he had) walked me to my car. And then, I kid you not, the NCMO popped off before I even saw it coming. I'm usually pretty good about seeing these things and dodging them accordingly. Edward was stealth.

As aforementioned, I'm human, and have been single for a REALLY long time. So the "happenings" went on a bit longer than they should have. But maturity and common sense took over and Edward and I parted ways.

I have lost track of how many texts that I have received from Edward. He has made it clear that he wants to be about me. I don't feel the same way. So, yea for me!!!!, I get to be the hurter. I think he is a great guy but dinner pre-NCMO proved that he's not the guy for me. There are too many things to list that would ultimately make a relationship between us end badly. I'm not picky. But I am selective and there are things that I'm not willing to waiver on that he just doesn't have.

Part of me, the long time single, slightly lonely part of me, knows that I could probably convince Edward that NCMO is the way to go. That we really aren't meant for each other but a little kissing never hurt anyone. But reality says that if he's this into me now after one kiss, he won't be any less into me later with more kisses. And being the girl who broke a nice guy's heart is not a good look.

I spent most of the day thinking about Edward and thinking about some previous situations and I realized that a big part of why I was so into giving my kisses away was because I wasn't getting what I wanted. In my heyday of NCMO, the one thing that I wanted more than the rush of feelings that came with it was the option to be able to share the rush with someone I really cared about and was committed to. But NCMO by it's definition negates commitment. I was lonely and so to fill the void I made out with boys.

I recently turned 31. (July was a rough month, I tell ya...) I'm been on the road with work at almost 100%. The church I go to is just..."MEH"...most of the time. Between work and work I haven't had time to do much, let alone meet people. So I again find myself feeling isolated in a city knowing very few people with little time to change that. It feels like LA all over again except without the colossal disdain for the city itself. (I LOVE Atlanta.) Part of me wants to move back to Nashville to be closer to friends and friends who are like family, but part of me wants to stay. This city literally mesmerizes me. I love driving through downtown at night and looking at the skyline. It's beautiful. But the part of me that wants to stay is also afraid that things will not get better on the relationship front. Part of me fears that there will be more NCMO but no commitment (And the huge number of gays, God bless 'em, ain't really helping me.)

But fears aside, I do have hope. I was watching Joel Osteen last Sunday (I didn't feel like going to "Meh" church.) and he began to talk about the dreams in our hearts. He explained that the dreams of our hearts were placed there by God in some shape or form. Sometimes through happenstance or our own choices a dream doesn't come true. But it's the ones that linger that we should hold on to. (I'm not doing what he said nearly enough justice. But what are you gonna do? I'm not Joel Osteen.) He said that the way we see are dreams is nothing like the way God sees them. The dreams and plans that God has for our lives are so much bigger than we realize. We're so limited in what we see. I know that I often get frustrated because I can't see the end. I know that there's a plan. But because I don't know how it unfolds I get antsy and sometimes petulant and try to do it my way. My "If I can't have this than I'll take that" attitude has gotten me in trouble and left me and others feeling hurt. And maybe it's my grown-up side but I just can't see doing that to myself of someone else.

So I will choose to be mindful of my heart and be mindful of the hearts of those around me. I will choose to believe that God has something greater for me than random NCMO. I have to trust that regardless of location, job, random feelings of loneliness and any other circumstance that the dream in my heart will some day come to fruition. I won't have to settle for the temporary rush. I will still get the rush. But the temporary will be replaced by something lasting: the excitement of knowing that I get to share my kisses with someone who's committed. That, to me, is one of the most exciting, rush inducing things I can think of.

Ephesians 3:20-21 (Message Bible)
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

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