Thursday, August 28, 2008

I Hate Myself for Loving You- Toya

No, for once this is not about my love life. Well not entirely. I mean this is about love; an intense, deep, "if loving you is wrong I don't want to be right" kind of love. This is about my love for Diet Coke.

I have been on a diet (Sacred Heart Diet) for 2 whole days that prohibits Diet Coke or any other carbonated beverage. When I found out that I could not drink my daily dose of Diet Coke (I actually pour it into a mug in the morning as everyone pours their coffee into their mugs), I contemplated making my friends aware ahead of time so they could put me on suicide watch. I have tried to quit before and always, ALWAYS at the wrong time. I always get this gust of courage to quit the day before PMS starts.  I don't think I have ever made it past an afternoon due to headaches and mood swings. I used to be so afraid to go a day without it that I kept a 12 pack in the trunk of my car at all times. Yes, it's an illness that I am well aware of.

In looking in some recent pictures of myself, I realized that I had gained over 20 pounds in two years.  I am pretty sure I have gained 10 pounds this summer alone. I stressed about this for days and thought that if I didn't climb out of whatever depression I was in, I could be back to my highest weight of 177 in no time.  I started to get weird about food and guilty about eating everything.  So Tuesday night I decided that I had had enough. I couldn't wait for me to feel better about me. I just needed to do it. So driving down to Super Wal-mart at 10:30 at night, I loaded up on a butt load of fruits and vegetables and gave myself a pep talk the entire time.  "Feeling like it" had zero to do with it. Forget how I feel, my jeans don't fit me. It's time to get serious. 

No bread, no soda, no cheese, good Lord. When my co-worker asked me how I was holding up, I told him that I would push his grandmother down 4 flights of steps for a cupcake with sprinkles.  That wasn't me talking, I am sure. It is my caffeine deficiency. 

To be completely honest, I do feel better physically and have been somewhat calmer.  I do believe that caffeine and eating terribly has had something to do with my mood and overall well being.  If I don't handle this now at 33, it is only going to get more difficult.

Here's to celery, balsamic vinegar and getting back to my pre-college weight while not drinking Diet Coke for at least 2 weeks. Jesus be a caffeine IV drip. 

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