Monday, August 11, 2008

Amazing Grace- Toya
Disclaimer: I would appreciate it if no one would inquire as to what has happened, not even those that are close to me. I definitely understand people being concerned and I appreciate that and just ask that you pray for me and encourage me not to beat myself up if you really want to help. In the event I write a memoir or something perhaps I will share. Until then, I believe that what I am required to share is a message of forgiveness for one's self. The matters surrounding aren't really of importance. I believe that recounting what has actually happened would raise more questions than answer any and I don't want to get into that.  Truthfully, I don't wish to share any of this at all but I can't sleep so I am thinking that I am supposed to share this for someone.

It was the morning after I made the most shameful mistake of my life that I found myself walking to my car. As I crossed the street, I noticed a truck coming. I inwardly wished that I would get hit by it. Seriously, if the driver swerved to the right a bit as I was coming to the sidewalk, I can't say that I would have moved out of the way. As extreme as that sounds, I just could not see how I was supposed to get through the new day knowing what I had willingly walked into. I could look back over the past few months and see how this setup was planned all along. For weeks I had been feeling attacked. I kept fighting thoughts and temptations but outwardly would jest about what would happen if I just gave in. Then one day I just got so tired of fighting. While the bible says that God will always provide a way of escape and He kept His end of the bargain, I did not. I just wanted to get it over with. And besides, how was I better than anyone else? Why am I expected to be?

I used to think that people didn't make mistakes. Really. I think it's because my father used to not accept my apologies. He would say this stupid thing, "If you were really sorry, you wouldn't have done it." I think it's taken this experience for me to truly understand what a mistake is. You can intentionally do something wrong but it turns out to be the biggest mistake because while you anticipated what you thought to be the greatest consequence, the actual unforeseen consequences (one being the inescapable heavy guilt)that come let you know that you have made a huge mistake. When you realize that what you did is not worth the way you feel afterwards is when you can say that you made a mistake. I remember telling a friend of mine that was running into an empty elevator shaft of a plan that clearly the enemy had designed for him that he has no idea the pain that he will feel when he comes to. He told me that he just wanted to see "how it all pans out". Setups don't pan out. They aren't designed to work for you and you can't push a rewind button or get a do over. But for some reason or another we think that if we can just satisfy this one temptation, we can act like it never happened immediately afterward. That is so not true.

Amazingly enough, I had started to write a blog not too long ago entitled "Don't Drink the Water". All around me I see people making the worst mistakes when it comes to relationships and it made me feel like if that is what this whole thing is about I want no part. But now I have a greater understanding of what people will do while bearing the pains of rejection, loneliness, and insecurity of who they are and what they were created to be. It is a serious, serious thing to not be secure in who you are and not understand that God truly loves you whether you feel it or not. You can do anything as small as being a constantly jealous person to something as extreme as walking into a public place and killing dozens of people because you don't feel like you belong. The common root is that somewhere along the way, people that act out in both cases have not grasped that they are loved and how they are to love themselves and others.

Although accusations come up in my mind often about what has happened and I feel broken, I don't think I have ever been stronger and more secure in the love of Jesus. I couldn't wait until I actually felt it. I just knew that I better acknowledge it as truth quickly so I could function throughout the day. Today is also the first day I looked into the mirror and did not hate my body. While it is not bikini ready by any means, I have come to realize that it is hard to take care of what you hate. Inwardly, I have hated a lot of things about myself and I feel that had a hand in my making this mistake and some others in retrospect. I now feel that I have no choice but to love myself, take care of myself, and affirm myself. I remember telling myself that I had no choice but to have confidence because if I got any weaker, I don't even want to know what I was liable to do since I had already hit an all time low. It was like when I decided that I was not going to allow my father to make me feel a certain way. If my standing up for myself and battling for my self esteem with harsh words meant that he felt disrespected then that was what had to be. My self esteem meant more to me than him being revered. Oh and let me add that my father is no monster, He is an absolutely great man and father who has changed a lot since I was younger. I am just referring to how he used to be.

And while I feel strong, the guilt has been heavy. I took the time to write in my Adam journal what had happened and apologized to him for blaming him for my problems. I think a lot of us dwell on the fact that we think things would be easier if we weren't single. If he would just show up, we wouldn't be lonely, broke, insecure, empty, purposeless, I mean pick one. I found myself thinking that while I was ready he must not be and this hold up is his fault. It wasn't too long after that I was driving and praying to God for my husband. Not in a please send him to save me kind of way. I told God that I no longer saw him as a necessity but a gift. It is a gift to be entrusted with the heart of another. It is a gift to have someone by your side who has made a covenant with you and God that they will love you for better for worse and will not leave. What I need, I already have. I can stand alone but if God can look past all of the mess and I believe He has because of his amazing grace, I sincerely ask that He would bless me with that gift and I will patiently wait for it in His time.

It is hard for me to be around people because I feel as if I have this thing hanging over my head that they don't even know about. I even feel ashamed around the few people that do know. The word satan means accuser and so I know that the constant thought of "What do they REALLY think of me now?" is nothing more than his way to keep me in shame. Cause really, it doesn't matter. One of the good things that has come from this is that I have been able to look back and see specifically how the enemy sets things up little by little. See he is patient, when we are not. I heard not too long ago that the very thing satan tempts you with is the very thing he uses to beat you up with. Think about it in regards of food. How many of us have wanted a certain food so badly, make excuses for why we should eat it, convince ourselves that it wouldn't hurt and then not long after eating it, beat ourselves up for indulging? Indulging wrong temptations always wind up like that. For some reason or another we catch amnesia, forget the way we felt and how we were led there and continue the cycle.

If you have a friend struggling with guilt I suggest praying with them and not saying that you will pray for them. It wasn't until someone prayed with me today and I heard words of strength being prayed over me did I think that I could make it through the day without crying. Faith comes by hearing so to fight the inward radio of guilt that I fight to turn off in my head, I have to make certain that what I am feeding myself from the outside counteracts those thoughts.

To some, what has happened is not a big deal at all but for me it is a huge deal. It has also been quite humbling and has made me more compassionate towards those that I know that are consistently making bad choices. On one hand I am compassionate because I don't think that they know how bad the end will be when they are left to themselves. On the other hand, I think some of them do know and they continue to numb themselves by continuing to do things to attempt to satisfy an insatiable need. The dangerous thing about numbing ones self is that while you numb yourself from pain you also numb yourself from feeling the love of God that heals. That's dangerous. That's why detox is so painful for drug addicts. In order for them to be healed, they must go without the drug, deal with the pain of detoxing from what their body has grown accustomed to as well as the inward struggle to not alleviate the pain by going back to using again. Drug addicts do receive a form of medication to get through detox without dying but it's not the drugs that the body wants to have. This is much like grace. Grace, I most recently learned, is what God gives us when we reap what we sow. Reaping and sowing is a universal law. It happens regardless of whatever your belief system is. It's inevitable. However, it is the medication of grace that gets us through.

No comments: