Monday, June 23, 2008

You Can Sleep While I Drive- Toya
I love love love love this song by Melissa Etherige. 

Tia: "Can I please be written out of your movie?  I mean, if I wouldn't have come around the corner and seen it with my own eyes, I would not believe it."

This is what Tia said to me today on what I like to call the Most Unawesome Day of June 2008.  I mean, if I sat here and typed out what went down, no one would believe that this blog was real.  Stuff that happens to me does not happen to people outside of sitcoms.  When I told me friend Lizzie, she said "Who does this happen to?"  Me. Just me. I am positive.  

I know I am being cryptic as to what has brought this post on but seriously, to type it would be to relive it and truthfully, I have moved on. What I am now interested in telling is why I am not on my porch taking drags off a cigarette with a box of Mrs. Winner's fried chicken in my lap, guzzling some Bitch wine.  

I don't know what lesson I am not learning but the fact that a Tag 3.0 (with Vista as Tia likes to add) has already snuck in and sucker punched me is just ridiculous.  Grant it, he is not 12 but the similarities scream "You have been here before!!!! Danger Wilhemina Robinson, DANGER!!!!"  Even though I tried to proceed in love and not fear (there is no fear in love right?), I wound up getting my feelings hurt.

One thing I have recently learned this year is that it is important to pay attention when we pray for things.  It's important to pray and then watch to see not if God answers but HOW He answers.  If we get pre-occupied looking for an answer in a certain way, we can miss it.  So today, on this ridiculous day, there was a song that I could not get out of my head. I know by now that if there is a song in my head, I need to look up the lyrics.  The song was Melissa Etherige's "You Can Sleep While I Drive". I didn't know the words to the part that kept playing in my head so with tears in my eyes, I looked them up...

You know I've seen it before
This mist that covers your eyes
You've been looking for something
That's not in your life
My intentions are true
Won't you take me with you
And baby you can sleep while I drive

Sleep while I drive?  Sleep while I drive.  Huh.  At the risk of sounding too spiritual I will say that after much consideration, a lot of what has happened in this particular area has not been my fault but more of some divine intervention that goes beyond coincidence.  Tia was adamant in telling me that today over and over again; that I did nothing wrong and annoyingly there really is no explanation for all of this... that we know of yet anyway.   "I am so tired" I told Tia. "I mean, tired. Like ridiculously tired. It is a wonder that I don't just periodically nod off from narcolepsy.  I mean, wow!"  So I came home from work and laid on the couch, asking God what on earth am I supposed to believe at this point. What is it that I am not getting and where am I wrong.  Not too long after I get a phone call.  The call was from a girl whose wedding I was asked to help serve food at last year. She was calling about a mutual friend of ours who was in trouble. Towards the end of our conversation I remembered that her husband asked me to share with her what happened to me at their wedding.

The day before their wedding, I prayed for God to show me true love.  There were at least 4 divorces and one tale of infidelity that I had heard of that week and I felt myself gravitating towards that place where I was years ago where I wanted no part of marriage and resented anyone that would bring it up.  "Lord, I am not saying that I need to be a part of real love. I am just merely asking to SEE it because right now, I see no signs of it at all.  I want to see it the way You intended it to be." The next day I show up at the wedding and I don't see the bride.  What I do see is the groom running around like a chicken with his head cut off, moving chairs inside because it was raining. The intent was to have an outdoor wedding so they had to improvise and improvise fast.  I never saw the bride until she walked down the aisle but I saw him in sweats and later on in his suit making sure that everything was just right. I looked around the room and something looked really strangely familiar. The color scheme was exactly what I would've wanted.  And the rain which I think is perfect music, could not have been more perfect as it was the only background noise you heard as they left the doors open.  Determined not to cry at this wedding, I remembered how I knew both the bride and groom before they got married.  The bride was a divorcee who is my age and her groom was about 6 years younger than her. They are the best of friends with similar passions (remember same rib, same passion?).  As their marital counselor got up and spoke she mentioned the scripture that says "There is no fear in love."  And then it happened: projectile tears burst from my eyes.  I mean, I didn't feel them coming; not a sniffle anything. Just bawling, because it was like someone punched me in the back of my head and said "Liar! You want to be married but you are so afraid.  You have been lying all along." The rain, their friendship, and the wedding was like a picture of things in my heart that really only God could've known. The bride told about how she had problems trusting him in the beginning and how he  was patient with her every step of the way. How many times have I heard that you have to be darn near perfect to be married?  The ability to trust has been one of my biggest issues.  I could go on and on about how amazing this wedding was but the point is I got exactly what I prayed for the night before right in front of my very eyes.  

I really didn't want to make this long so I will get to the point: sometimes we can get so discouraged by present circumstances that we forget what lessons we have learned and what God has already shown us.  I needed to remember that wedding today and how God answered my prayers through it. I also needed to remember that it is God "driving" and I need to relax. We don't always get what we want and sometimes we shouldn't.  And the more I think about how much today sucked, the reality is today's heartache is short compared to what could have happened if I would have found out the truth later on.  I am grateful. A tad salty, but grateful. 

"9[Earnestly] remember the former things, [which I did] of old; for I am God, and there is no one else; I am God, and there is none like Me, 10Declaring the end and the result from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all My pleasure and purpose," Isaiah 46:9-10

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