Sunday, February 10, 2008

I Can't Tell You Why (song by The Eagles that Brownstone did a fantastic cover of)- Toya

If you can get the Worship Network, I strongly encourage you to watch it once in a while. I have fallen asleep to it for weeks and I promise you, I wake up at the oddest times of the night to a scripture on the screen or a song that is playing that is dead on my situation.

If I walked outside right now and saw "Be still and know that I am God" had been mowed into my lawn, I would not at all be phased. I would get my mail out the mailbox and go about my own business. I have seen and heard this message everywhere in the past week but as the new week begins, I am feeling that the theme for this week will be "Rejoice in the Lord always." Let me explain.

I believe most of my closest friends will attest that my best stories start off with "I was minding my own business and..."

"I was minding my own business, walked into get breakfast and saw that guy Jenn was trying to hook me up with..." (later known as Guy A).

"I was minding my own business and noticed this guy on the bus..."

"I was minding my own business and this guy with a guitar sang to me from the stage and..."

"I was minding my own business and the founder and CEO of this famous restaurant chain where we were eating just came over and sat with us during lunch because he thought that the diversity of our table was 'interesting...'"

And on and on and on. Sometimes the situations that I just mentioned had good outcomes, great even. By the same token, some of those situations have had not so good outcomes. Regardless, these were situations that were not at all designed by me.

I have had a gripe with God's sovereignty for some time and I need to get that in check. I can't get mad that the same sovereignty that says "Toya gets to wake up tomorrow morning" also says "Toya can't get what she wants when she wants it or even get it at all". Like God 's protection. I shouldn't pray for God's protection when I leave the house if I don't want this same protection to keep my heart from certain situations where I am so willingly ready to give it over. It goes hand in hand and thank God it does. It's just that my tiny, mortal mind can't make sense of it and therefore finds it difficult to accept.

I fell asleep on the couch tonight and woke up around 2 am. Determined not to spend a second night curled up in my clothes without washing my face again, I headed to the bathroom. As I did, I started thinking abou Job in the bible and how God blessed him with much more than he had after he went through the worst time of his life. Not that Tia and I are remotely going through anything as close to what Job went through but talk about minding your own business and then....! Job went through hell for being FAITHFUL! We are just some knuckleheads. It was a long time before Job questioned God and when he did God came back basically saying "Who do you think you are? You didn't put yourself here so why do you think you have any control?" See I struggle with this part of God. I like the "Be still and know that I am God who leads you besides still waters and restoreth your soul" part of God over the "Check yourself before you wreck yourself God" part of God. But it's like that sometimes.

So wouldn't you know it, I come out of the bathroom and the Worship network is flashing scriptures from the book of Job and not the fun ones. I mean the "Who are you to quesition God" ones. The ones I had just been mad about. But soon thereafter they started showing scriptures about rejoicing always. Sometimes you cannot wait for a situation, a miracle, or that thing you have been praying for to get better in order for you to choose joy and to praise God because He is worthy. Joy is about one of the only things you have control over. Sometimes you have to make a conscious decision and take it by force.

Job lost a lot. He got some back and lots extra but I've always wondered if God healed him from his loss of time and his loss of his children. You can get new things but can new things completely replace old heartache that comes from loss? I wonder that sometimes. Do you ever completely get over it? Maybe that's up to us. Maybe that's another thing we have to take charge of. To reflect on and appreciate what we've gained versus holding onto what we've lost in the process. I have no idea. I'm still going through it. When I get to the other side, you'll be the first to know.

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