Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Honesty - Tia
I don't know why I always feel like spilling my guts when I don't feel well. But at the moment I feel like telling my business. You gotta love blogs that way.

Toya called me the other day and told me that she had to be honest with me about how she was feeling. I will leave it to her to explain the details if she feels so inclinded. When she finished she asked what I thought. What I thought was, "Damn, I need to be just as honest as she's being with me, with myself."

I mentioned earlier that I ran into Ben Covington in December. Now mind you this is the boy who kinda broke my heart. Now there wasn't a whole lot that went on between us. But I've come to realize that my heart was broken because he was and still is to some extent my prototype. He is the type of guy that I always saw myself with. He embodied all of the things I want in a guy and a bunch of things that I didn't even know that I wanted. So when it didn't go well between us I was crushed about it and to add insult to injury I felt like I lost a friend. Before any kind of feelings were discussed he was a homie. A dominoe playing, sing you a song when you lose, go in the fridge like he owned the place, homie. We went from that to hardly speaking and awkward church side hugs.

I honestly thought I was cool. It had been months since I'd seen or heard of him. So you can imagine my surprise when all of the random feelings I thought were gone came bubbling to the surface with one brief and mildly uncomfortable run-in.

Since December Ben's randomly crossed my mind more times than I would like to mention. And after Toya's brutally honest confessions I realized that I had one of my own. And it was painfully obvious. After 3 or so years, I am still hung up on Ben Covington. And let me tell you, it destroys me to even admit it. (Oh and I won't even talk about how one of the guys on American Idol looks like Ben. And they're from the same area. I wouldn't be surprised if they were related.)

I pride myself on being a pretty tough chick. While I will cry without warning, I don't see my tears as a sign of weakness. I try very hard not to let my emotions get the best of me. And when it comes to feelings and relationship type things I always try to let logic play some part. Now don't get me wrong, I won't stamp out my feelings because they don't make sense. But I do try to use my head. For instance, I would never date a Muslim. Logically, it just wouldn't work. So I guess that's why this thing with Ben irks me so much. He just flipped the script with no warning whatsoever. He definitely cared more about himself than he did me. And clearly our friendship didn't mean as much to him as it did to me. If it did, one would think that he would have had the decency to at least say, "You know I'm just not into like I thought." No harm, no foul.

So how is it that even though by most accounts he is a candy-ass, he is also still my prototype? I don't usually go for candy-asses...EVER. How is it that if he came to me right now and said, "I was a jack-ass. I was young and stupid. Can we start over?" I would say yes. The whole thing just seems so weak to me. So stereotypically chickenheaded.

I know that part of it is that I'm going through a really lonely period in my life right now. I'm working a lot and I've still only met a handful of people here in the ATL. At the moment I don't have time to do much and since I work from home and work solo when I'm on the road, it's not like I have a lot of interaction with people. Plus it's cold. I'm not very motivated when the weather is cold. But I think the biggest part is that prior to meeting Ben I didn't know that my prototype existed. Meaning, I had a type of guy in my head. I knew what I thought was my ideal. But I'd never seen it. It was like seeing the model of a car at an expo but never seeing it out in the real world. So even though you've seen the model, you're still stunned as all get out when you see it driving down Broadway. Maybe not the best example but you get what I'm saying. The type of man that I dreamed about but had never seen walked right up to me in church one day and asked me if he could call me. He was my homie and I was cool. But then he asked if he could call me and it was like he was a whole other person. I realized that my homie was my prototype. I hit PAYDIRT. (Insert R. Kelly's Homie, Lover, Friend here) And then he was gone.

And after all of this time I still can't believe that I feel this way about him. I know some if my feelings are wrapped up in my hope. Part of me believes that there is another one out there for me. But because I haven't seen one, I can't seem to let go of what I once felt for Ben.

I know I usually try to end my serious posts with some sort of uplifting message, a scripture or something. But since I'm being honest I have to say, the way I feel about Ben makes me feel like an utter loser. And frankly, if I knew how to make these feelings go away, I totally would.

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