Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Honesty (song by Billy Joel. Why don't I own more Billy Joel? And did the video for Pressure scare the begeezus out of anyone else but me when they were a kid?)- Toya

I yelled at God today.

I yelled SO loud at God today. I yelled repeatedly but I only yelled one word and that word was "Why". "Why evil, why me, why am I selfish, why am I lonely, why am I hurting, why is there fear, why am I ungrateful, why won't you stop this, whyyyyyyyyy?" All I kept saying was why but I am confident that God being God knew exactly about what I was specifically asking.

I was very angry at God today because God is making me grow. He is making me trust Him and he is making me trust myself which is often harder than trusting him. I am awfully uncomfortable and have been in the midst of "labor pains" for some time now. My sleep has been erratic and disturbed by fear. Things have not been this hairy since 7 years ago (7? No wonder) when I first moved to Nashville. Not only was there an emotional discomfort and a harsh paradigm shift that took place but physically I was uncomfortable much like I have been lately. I literally feel as if my skin is too tight for my body; almost as if it needs to be shed. There is a shifting that is taking place. I feel as if God is saying that I have been in the same spot and in the same cycles long enough and since I won't change voluntarily, things will be changed for me.

Thank God for the book of Psalms where we see David wilin' out on God. Had I not had that example, I would have hidden my anger and that is not the kind of relationship The Father wants us to have with Him. He already knows so you might as well yell. How dare God take me out of my complacency? How dare God make me change? How dare God try to take away my crutch of fear? How dare God not give me the man I want before his (not God but the man's) time? I mean, He knows what I can do with potential. There are women in this world benefitting from some of my finest work as we speak. For these reasons and a few more, I sat tight lipped in anger and despair on my couch before I went to pick some things up from the store.

On my way to the store to get some comfort food (a big bowl of cereal is my vice of choice) I thought about last summer. Last summer after the worst period of loneliness of my life, I experienced God in such a new way: in songs, in dreams, in nature. We were just chillin' and then, the honeymoon was over. I had to come down from my mountaintop experience. "Remember when you sent me songs and I felt so loved and protected? I mean, aren't I about due for a new song? Remember that God? That was a good time. If you are the God of love, how can I hide myself in you to be consumed by it right now? Better yet, not even my whole being, just my heart because clearly it needs to even be hidden from me because I don't offer it to the right people all of the time."

The bible says, if you draw near to him then he will draw near to you. It also says to fix your eyes upon Jesus. I take those scriptures to mean, ask, then focus and then keep your eyes fixed because if you don't you can miss what he is about to do.

97.1 FM The Fish was on when I got in my car. Now you can clown Contemporary Christian music all you want to (and believe me I used to and I was in it for years) but start going through something that you don't understand. Come within about 2 centimeters of losing your complete mind and tell me if you will not try and listen to every, Gospel, Christian rock, Negro Spiritual song you can get your ears near. The last thing I need to hear is a love (or lack of love) song right now. I mean, play dcTalk 5 times an hour, I really don't even care right now. Preparing to gun it home, I turned on my car and heard this song that I know that I know that I know came straight from the Lord. He's done this too many times for me to chalk this up to coincidence. I pray that you read these lyrics and are blessed.

Don't Get Too Comfortable-Brandon Heath (my new best friend)

Comfortable, don't get comfortable
I am gonna move this mountain then I'm gonna move you in

Yesterday, this is not yesterday
You were standing on my shoulders now you're standing on the edge
You've been looking for a sign all this time

I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love you like you've never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream (Glory to His name!- I had to shout right there, I'm sorry. I've been praying about my inability to dream for myself for quite some time now.)
This is your new song.

So afraid but you don't have to be afraid
Even if you make mistakes
You know that I'll remain
You've been looking for a sign all this time
If you seek you'll find me everytime

So I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love you like you've never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song

Can you feel the call of love?
Is it moving you to be a child of God of love?
Is it reaching you?
It's everywhere the call of love

I just want to show you what I mean
I just want to love you like you've never seen
Do you want to live like you used to dream?
Then I've got a song for you.

Cuz I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love you like you've never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song
You've got a new song

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