Tuesday, January 1, 2008

That makes it so - Tia
(I took 2 Tylenol PMs not too long ago because my shoulders and hamstrings are killing me. So I apologize in advance if this is disjointed and rambling.)

So it's a new year. Someone recently asked me what I'm taking from 2007. I really don't know. I haven't really taken the appropriate time to reflect on last year. I had a busy year. I moved back from LA. I quit the industry that I'd been working in for 4 years, only to return to it after realizing that I don't like kids as much as I thought I did and now have no idea what I really want to do with the rest of my days. I was single again for another year. Which if I'm being honest, I really hated. The hopeless romantic in me seriously longs to be in a committed relationship that's going somewhere. And being 30 and single was never in the plan. Hell, I was the 8-year-old who wanted to get married. But forget all that...I turned THIRTY. How did that happen? Where did 3 decades of my life go? Why do I still feel like I'm 25? Does that ever stop? Do I ever feel like a "grown-up?" And what does grown up feel like?

I guess I did realize a few things this last year. I have gotten a bit more selfish as I've gotten older. In that I mean, I want what I want and I want it my way, which is usually NOW. While I do want to get married, some of my reasons for wanting to get married are pretty selfish. Let's be honest, holding out for sex is neither fun nor easy. But it's my choice so I feel like I can't really bitch about it, now can I? So I'd like to jump the broom with someone so that I can...you know what, I'm not going to say what I want to do because I don't want to taint the idea of what y'all think of me. Just know when it does pop of it's going to POP OFF.

But part of me worries that I've been single for so long that when some guy does come along I have to learn how to commit, and share (MY Guitar Hero. NOT YOURS!), and submit and all of that other stuff that comes along with marriage that frankly, I will struggle with it. I am the only person that I've had to be with for 30 consecutive years. How do you seamlessly introduce someone into your world when it's just been you for so long?

But regardless of my marital status, I can say that I am much happier than I have been in years...maybe ever. Toya recently told a group of our friends that I used to be a happy hater. She's right. I used to revel in my misery. Woe is me. Life was hard for me and so there's no need to be happy. I want to wallow in my misery and drag you into to. Yeah, no more of that. God has blessed me tremendously. He has spared me from A LOT of things that I know about and I'm sure countless things that I know nothing about. I'm finally learning that the God's love is my strength. If God truly is love like he says, then every time that I feel love from my parents, my siblings, my friends, or for those people, I am experiencing God. And I don't know about you but that's reason enough for me to have some joy.

(I just realized that I'm not going to be able to take a nap tomorrow. It will be the first day I haven't had a nap in about a week.)

WHY DID HEAVEN HELP ME BY DEON ESTUS JUST COME ON THE RADIO???????????????????

Anyway, I don't know what's going to happen in 2008. But I did have a revelation this morning. I decided to once again try to read through the Bible. I've attempted this a couple times before but usually fizzle out around April. But this year feels different. The times before that I've tried to do it it was because I felt obligated. Usually someone at church would suggest it and I would feel like a failure because I couldn't for the life of me tell you where the book of Obadiah was in the Bible. (Obadiah is a book, right?) But this year I just want to do it. Not because someone suggested it. Not so I will feel like a "good Christian." I just want to.

So I printed out a Bible reading plan from online this morning and dug in. Of course it starts with Genesis. I initially took that for granted. Anyone who has ever even driven by a church has read the story of creation. But as I continued to read I noticed something. Each day was the same. God said...and it was so. God said let there be light. And there was light. God said let the water and ground separate and it was so. God said let there be trees and bushes and such and it was so. You get the general idea. God said it. And then it was so. Now if God said that he would grant us life everlasting, joy unspeakable and give us the desires of our hearts if we delight in him, then that means it will be so. I realized that God will not withhold any good thing from me and I can believe it because he said it. Does that mean that I'm going to win the lottery, marry a hot, tall, God-loving, British footballer and be ecstatically happy every day for the rest of my life now that I have this realization??? Probably not. God is not Santa. Plus, I don't play the lottery. And this is real life, which means that being ecstatically happy every day isn't really possible without a lot of mind altering drugs. Now the hot, tall, God-loving British footballer is more than doable....But what I'm saying is that I realize that God does love me. That he will grant me the strength to get through the hard times. That I can have joy (which is not the same as happiness.) I realized that it is possible to have a peace that surpasses all understanding. Why...? Because He said it. And that makes it so.

The PM in the Tylenol is strong, so I hope this all made some kind of sense. My prayer for you is that you will go into the new year knowing that God loves you not for what you can do or what you have, but simply for who you are. And he wants great things for you. He said it. That makes it so.

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