Monday, January 14, 2008

Let's Wait a While-Toya

One of the last things Tia said to me before she fasted the internet was that I needed to hold it down. I have failed miserably. The problem is that I have so much I want to write but with so little time. I promise to make more of an effort though.

We aren't even half a month in and Tia and I are having a TIME. I mean it's been rough for a lot of us. I have had more girlfriends going through some more wild stuff than ever before and my answer has been the same in every case. "Hey man, it's hard out here. Damn a pimp!" I don't know what's about to pop off but I am hoping that we all get through it soon. This is not a time to run from the Lord. This is "Put Jesus in a Headlock" time because it's real serious right now and we need to be as close to His love, mercy and strength as we can get.

I have learned so much since I turned 33 last month and one thing that I've learned is that I am a big, fat liar. Not to people as much as to myself. I didn't even know I was lying! I didn't know that I have so much pride. I consider myself to be a pretty transparent person but I can't be honest with you about something that I have not been honest with myself about. So consider this my confession and plea of repentance. My lie has been this: if I get married, cool. If not, cool. I really don't care. Survey says? Big stinkin' liar. I discovered this one morning as I looked up at the ceiling and asked "Lord, tell me the dreams that you have for me. I'm stuck. I know you want more for me than I do and my dreams seem so subpar." It then occurred to me to ask, what dreams do I have for myself. Blank. "Well, I want to be a media coach. That's not hard. Ooh and I need a new car. Ok, this is wack." I then remembered that I used to dream when I was younger. I wanted to A&R at Columbia Reco
rds but I refuse to work for a major label so that's no longer a dream. Then I remembered what my dream used to be: to be married to someone with the same dreams and passions. That he,who was my best friend, and I would give to charities, be known to be hospitable and giving and have a marriage that not only blessed others but was an example to all. "Ok, back up" I thought. "You just said your dream was to be married." "No I didn't. " Yes, I was arguing with myself. You've done it too, don't trip. It dawned on me that if I didn't give a rip about being married I would've said that I would do all these things with my company or a business partner. But that's not what I see. I see Will and Jada. I see Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee. I see Tisha Campbell and Duane Martin. I see a marriage with a purpose.

Upon sharing this with my mother she said I have always psyched myself out. "You will never say what you really want. You'll mention it, but you will follow it by saying if that doesn't happen, you'll be fine." Just last week Jared told me that he didn't call me back after I freaked out on his voicemail about something I was so upset about because all I kept saying in the midst of my freak out was "I'm fine. I'll be ok." I was hurt that he didn't call me back but it was my fault for trying to smooth things over thinking he would read my mind and know to call me back. I never told him that I needed him to be there for me (I know so little about how men think). And so this has been my view towards marriage: because I grew up around women who you can tell at first glance that their lives are on hold or in misery because they are waiting to be married, I will only show signs of apathy towards it. I have always known that I didn't want to be married before 30 & I didn't want to be piti
ed. Now I am indifferent as to whether I have any children or not so this was easy to sell, even to myself. So when people brought up marriage, it was almost like they were talking about a disease. I would just reject it. The truth is that I am afraid to be married and I am afraid to not be married. I would love to be in a relationship but the idea of commitment and all that's involved in making them work seriously makes me hyperventilate. I once had a dream that everytime I went to a wedding or went on a date and things got serious, my fist would shoot up in the air and I would fly off like a super hero. Dunh dunh dunh duuunnnhhhh Commitment Phobe Woman!!!! I have so much fear it is, well, frightening.

So in discovering this and believing that God wants to give me the desires of my heart, I started to pray for an answer. This is one area of my life that I feel I have no control over. I can make my own career but I can't make a mate. And I don't want anything badly enough to ask a man out. I at least wanted a sign or something. Is this going to happen? Is it true that not all women that want to be married will be? If it seems like everyone is doing it then why can't me and my fabulous friends seem to even get asked out on a date? God, I need you to say SOMETHING, even if it's no.

After I prayed this, I started to go to bed. As I have been doing since I got my television (finally) I left the Worship Network on. Now call me an old church lady if you want to but the Worship Network is that jawn (that means it's the best for those not from the northeast). Every day they have beautiful moving shots of nature and praise and worship music with encouraging scripture that pops up on the screen. In between songs a person comes on and gives an encouraging word. I am so addicted to this channel. Anyway, I turn my head from the screen and this woman comes on to tell a story. "Christy asked her father for a cat when she was 15 and to her surprise, her father gave her the exact cat she has always desired. So it dawned on her if I can get the cat I wanted, I am going to start praying for the husband I always wanted." Insert screwface here. One of my biggest fears is that God would make me be with someone I wasn't really attracted to for my own good because security is mos
t important than looks and I probably needed an older, more settled (read "dull") man. God designed our likes and dislikes. Why do we think God is such an ogre? Suspicious, I turned my head towards the screen and listened. The speaker went onto say that Christy grew impatient with her request and decided to date a guy that did not share the same beliefs and was not good for her. Remember the desire of her heart was to be with a man that shared her beliefs. "Time went on and she knew that this was not the best plan for her life. She broke up with him and it was the hardest thing she ever had to do." Then they started showing signs of nature and went on to another song."Oh uh uh. Yall play too much." I thought. " I am hanging on the edge of the bed waiting for this woman to tell me what in the world happened to Christy!" She comes back on and says that Christy asked God for His forgiveness for not making wise choices and months went by. One day she was at worship team practice at ch
urch (remember the wait and wait story I blogged about not too long ago?) and the cute guitar player came up and asked her out for coffee. Okay, this hit me where I live because Lord knows I love a man with a guitar. "After they had coffee he asked her on a date. Then a year later, he asked her to marry him. Christy knew that he was worth the wait. He was everything she had always wanted. " She then went onto quote the scripture about waiting on the Lord and being of good courage. "Sometimes God just wants us to wait." she said and smiled as the next song started to play. I just stared at the screen with my mouth wide open.

I believe that this was random but not random. It was about 1 am. I have had enough experiences in my life to know not to count things as coincidence. Yes I definitely needed to be encouraged to wait (which is much better than no) but I seriously needed to be reminded to have courage. In my mind, I had already compromised some standards, morals even, in order to just get a quick fix. It's so not worth it. I know it's not and I've struggled to not give into these impulses. Again, it's hard out here and there is comfort in knowing that I am not the only one it can be hard for. I sometimes find myself wanting to be so strong and encouraging that if I show signs of discontent, I feel I will let others down. That's not fair to anyone including me.

So if you're feeling the same way as I do, know that we'll get through. Keep heading towards the mountain, swinging for the fence. Okay, I didn't come up with that on my own. That's a couple of lines from a Damien Hornes song that I sing to myself from time to time. But I really believe it. I love the scripture that talks about not giving into temptation and remembering that there are others around the world that are going through it too. I need to share my fears as well as my victories. Hopefully soon I will be able to share my victories from my fears.

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