Sunday, January 20, 2008

Fell In Love With a Boy (Joss Stone- who I am soooo not a big fan of but whatever)- Toya

"Toya, I need you to not be crying on 65."


"I can't stop crying...I can't pull over, there's a truck coming...and I can't see because I can't stop crying..."


"Ok, you definitely have to stop crying if there is a truck coming. You are my person (Grey's Anatomy reference) and well, I can't have you getting hit by a truck."

This is the conversation of consolation that Tia and I had this evening after I had seen Tag for the first time in a while. After I saw him, I got in the car and just felt this weirdness in my chest. I called Tia. "That was...hard. I don't know why really it was just hard." Now this isn't the first time I've seen him since we stopped hanging out together but for some reason it just hit me that not only are things not the same between us but they never will be. The more I kept talking the more it started to make sense.

Tia mentioned to me that Tag told her that I had stopped returning his phone calls which is true. I needed to set some new boundaries and am responsible for this change in our friendship. I can now unashamedly confess that I don't find it possible for me to be best friends with someone who is on a 11 (okay maybe 9) year delay of being the guy I've always wanted to be with. And as much as it hurts (and it really does), this does not compare to how horrible I felt sometimes after we would hang out. To quote our pastor, John Mayer, as Tia and I often do, you always need to "keep on moving to protect your situation". This is me protecting my situation. If I don't no one else will, not even Tag.


I remember when I tried to hip him to this. I clammed up terribly because you know, I have a somewhat allergic reaction to vulnerability? He asked me if I still had feelings for him and I told him no which is the truth. I am not hurting because I am in love with him, I am hurting because I miss us being friends. We used to be inseperable. Then in response to all I had just told him, Tag mustered up all of the sincerity he could in his precious little perfect face and said, "Well since you are over me, have you ever thought about us kissing? Cause I mean we could..." Yeah, trusting him to help me guard my heart is a no.

I liken this to certain foods that I can't keep in the house. There are to be no Frosted Flakes in my house. I will eat a whole box in 3 days. I don't have the time nor the discipline to not eat them all and franklyi don't find it worth it to try to train myself. I can't afford the pounds that would come with the inevitable failure that would occur before I would actually, if I ever actually, had the will power to limit how much I ate. It is just best for me to not eat them at all. So it is with this situation. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do and sometimes what you gotta do is go cold turkey

So after I explained to Tia why it seemed so hard this time, she told me that things could be worse and that I really was ok. In fact I am better now than I have ever been regarding this whole disaster. Then it happened. "But I miss my friend so much", I said barely getting the words out. Then I started bawling...in the left lane...on Highway 65...needing to pull over because I couldn't stop crying to see where I was going and there was a truck coming. It has recently occurred to me that I may need to stop saying that I am not a crier because while tears don't come too easy for me, they seem to be coming more often. Tia will tell you, I don't waste tears. I'll suffer a migraine first. I didn't even see this outburst coming.

I miss my friend. I mean, more than words can ever describe. I'm sad that things can't be normal between us but I have to be fair to myself. I am frightened sometimes at how good I am at hiding my feelings. I know if I wasn't being honest about what I have to do for me, I would suck it up because I hate vulnerability. And while I probably needed to let it all out tonight, I didn't because I had a party to be at and Fun No Worries Happy Toya had to make an appearance. Like I always say, ignore and deny, ignore and deny...

As I've said before, it's rough out here. "This doesn't seem...fair." Tia has often said that about this area of my life. I mean, there are some things I don't blog about because I seriously don't think yall would believe me. Like the time my face got smashed (not literally) on the internet. Yes, the world wide web. As Tia and I watched it unfold our laptops, she said it yet again. "This just doesn't seem...fair." I honestly had nothing to say.

I miss my friend. That is all. I'm not going to beat myself up over it because it is what it is. But what it is, feels terrible. I can't sugar coat that anymore.I realize just a few posts ago I was talking about waiting. And truthfully, I never want to post something without a glimmer of hope or an encouraging word; a scripture, uplifting anecdote something. But there are two things that I am certain of: sometimes sharing that you are hurting does help someone and two, I can't tell the victory of the outcome of this circumstance if I can't be honest about the pain that occurs while going through it. This has humbled me so much. This was NOT supposed to happen to me. I remember saying to Tag one day "but it's you. I am not supposed to be struggling with...with YOU!" "Why?" he asked. "That hurts my feelings when you say that." And I didn't mean for it to hurt at all but seriously, three years? It's like getting through a three year parfait. Every so often there seems to be another
layer to get
through.

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