Sunday, December 30, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
2.I have been known to bring books to clubs where favorite DJ's spin. The radio sucks as we all know and well I like to read while listening to good music so I'll bring a book and read off to the side somewhere. This is where the whole "you're not approachable and thus guys are intimidated by you" theory fails. I've had more guys talk approach me while I've read books in public than any other time I've been out. HA-LARIOUS. One guy cameover with his cell phone opened and put it over my book and asked me if I had enough light. Clever. No dice, but clever.
3.Some people take up an unneccesary amount of large space when they dance.
4.I really only know one person here and that's the dj. That's rare.
5.I'm out late cause I'm avoiding something. I don't want to talk about it.
6. I am still celebrating my birthday WEEK. You are entitled to that once you hit 30. And for this reason, I'd like my song to play soon.
Well I am on the edge of the dance flor by the booth on my Treo looking like a snob so I gotta go. The kids arr starting to breakdance and I got my Kangol on. I may have to school these fools. Yeah, right. My back still hurts from my office Christmas party last week. Can't hang like I used to.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
I woke up this morning to check my birthday messages, which have been sooooo awesome, and immediately put on my new favorite song, Britten's "She". Check it out at www.myspace.com/brittenmusic. This song has GOT to make you feel good. And not once does he use the word "shawty". Bless God. I'm a grown woman, dawg. Shawty is played.
One of the messages I got was from someone I don't see a lot but it blessed me so much and ...I can barely even put it into words. Part of it said this...
You are one who lights up the room when you walk in, your laugh is so contagious, your eyes twinkle when you get happy, and your precious smile will melt anyones heart. You bring joy to everyone you meet and if someone doesn't realize it, then they are missing out on the fact that you are so complex but just so simple. I just can't believe that someone hasn't opened their eyes yet to realize what they are missing out on.
WOW!!!!!!! I chalk up every compliment I get to the Lord. Seriously. Because I am constantly amazed at how much He blesses me and that He has even seen fit to use ME for ANYTHING in this world. I used to have such terrible self esteem. That is why I was such an underachiever growing up. So when people tell me how I much I mean to them, I thank God because there used to be a time when I didn't want to be here; when even existing was painful. I remember at my lowest point before I moved to Nashville, accelerating my car down an empty street thinking about how hard I could hit a telephone pole to end it all. However, deep down inside I knew that this was not the abundant life that Jesus lived and died for me to have. If I truly said that I believed in Him, I needed to start acting like it and stop trying to live this life in my own strength. I'm so glad He turned me around.
I remember the day I found out that my first name means "Victorious". That blew me away. Up until that point, I had been calling myself "Screw up". The bible says that He will give you everything you need for life and godliness. So all you have to do is believe you got it and walk in that faith. I'm already shaking my head at how magnificent that is.
So if you are reading this, celebrate my birthday. I don't mean celebrate the fact that I was born. I mean I want YOU to have a great day today. Celebrate victory, self love, and the fact that everyday you get is a day that God believes that you can get it right that day. Love love love!!!!!
flying back home, which might I add I don't want to do because I
already miss my brother. But it is insane that I have to be up this
early. And people are pissing me off not knowing the system. It's been
a least a year since the no liquid ban. WHY are you trying to bring
that big ass bottle of shampoo through the line? And lady, no one
wants to hear about why you don't want to take your shoes off. JUST DO
Seriously they shouldn't let people fly this early. I mean, look at
the state of us. We're all about ready to kill each other. Man I need
Monday, December 24, 2007
A few days back I told my dad I was meeting Stacy for lunch and he said " I heard she was dating one of these" and then pointed to the inside of his hand indicating that she was dating a white man. What century are we in? Goodness. I wasn't going to bring it up but it came out when we started talking about the kind of men that we seem to attract. "White men love Stacy" she said "and Stacy is now returning that love." Stacy always dated brothas in school so I was mildly shocked. I say mildly because we grew up in the same area and well you read this blog. You see how I turned out. However something she said kind of disheartened me. When I told her that it doesn't really matter to me but I wouldn't be surprised if I married a white man she said "Toya, you ARE going to marry a white man. If you want to get married you are. I couldve told you that before you left for Nashville." She went onto say that all of her black girlfriends our age were either dating or married to white men. "You'
re dad might not be down with it now but bring them mocha grandbabies home. He'll turn around".
Ok, this is a bit unsettling to me. I think it goes without saying that if Adrien Brody loved Jesus and tried to holla I would bounce post haste but I don't want to marry or date a white man by default. In fact, and maybe because the brothas back home are the BEST looking in the whole wide world and possess the meanest swagger, part of me deeply wants to marry a black man to say "See? I didn't have to marry outside my race to find love from a good man."
Sigh. Now don't get me wrong. Stacy was not saying that she is not checking for black men anymore. It's jut to her, she has accepted the way things seem to be. You draw conclusions from your experiences. You may want to believe that things will play out differently but if time and time again you face the same circumstances, you may just throw your hands up in the air and say "oh well. Maybe that's just the way it is." I don't know really. Something about that just doesn't sit well with me.
Scott flaked out on me again. No call, no show. Just like you get fired from a job if you do that a number of times, he has been fired from our friendship. He just constantly flakes out without a good explanation. Honestly, I think something has happened and he is afraid to tell me. If it was major I think I wouldve known by now. Something happened a while back and he didn't return my calls for a time. When he did he explained that he was afraid I would think negatively about the situation. I told him the same thing I tell everyone when they reveal something that they think will make me ashame to be their friend: "Hey man. It's rough out here. It could happen to anybody". I honestly believe that. Yes, I too couldve been a Crack dealing, pot smoking, bulimic, pathological lying lesbian. I'm just throwing some things out there but you get what I mean. Bottom line, becoming an adult is no joke and I don't care what anyone says, you don't know shit before 30.
I've reflected on my childhood a great deal since I've been home these last two days. Things are wonderful now and according to my childhood pictures things were good then. However, I wasn't the happiest child. I struggled with self esteem well up into my 20's and even now I am a bit nervous. The friend I am meeting is president of her own company,was in all honors classes, track and pretty popular with the fellas. I was terribly an underachiever. I just did not focus in school. So she is one of my "all grown up" friends. I must admit, I'm a little intimidated. We'll see how this goes.
My second meeting of the day is up in the air as always. We'll call him Scott. I've known Scott since I was 3 and for some reason for the past 3 years he always seems to cancel on me. I chalk it up to a hectic schedule but I'm not so sure. We get along great. We even joke if we aren't married by 40 we'll got to Vegas abd marry each other. He tried to move it to 35 but I wasn't having it. Here she comes!
Friday, December 21, 2007
If these don't get you in the holiday spirit, nothing will.
(My friend Megan and I used to sing the chorus, "Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Merry Christmas, Happy Boxing Day.)
And I STILL love me some JC Chasez, regardless of the sub-par singles he keeps putting out. JC, hollatcha girl if you need some help with that next solo project.
He just don't know. I would be taking him through it. He would be writing the best songs of his life after he met me.
It's not Christmas for me until I hear Alexander O'neal's Remember Why. I pulled this joint out on Thanksgiving and listened to it while I was cooking. I don't think there was ever a video for the song. But someone on youtube posted a little homemade video for the song. I ain't made at 'em. This is my jam. I love me some Alexander O'neal.
Every year, I buy myself something with my tax refund. I never spend more than $200. Usually it's somewhere in the ball park of $50. A couple of years back I bought all ten seasons of Friends. But I usually just put most of the money in the bank and pay off the Christmas and January birthday bills. (All of the men in my family have January birthdays. I'm usually tapped out by February.)
It's rare that I know this far in advance what I want. But thanks to a late night and a Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade which is making me overly sappy and sentimental, I know what my gift to myself will be this year. I will be purchasing the TimeLife Classic Soft Rock collection. Shut up! I mean where else can you get Christopher Cross' Ride Like The Wind AND Making Love Out of Nothing At All by Air Supply?
I know I have absolutely lost some of y'all. But trust, I am LOSING my mind watching the infomercial. They keep playing snippets, and I keep having flashbacks. They're taking me through it. If I didn't still have Christmas gifts to buy I would get this now. Yes, Lord.
Oh and I love how all of the people who are raving about the collection are clearly middle aged white people talking about the songs taking them back to high school. I was like 6. They would hate me...Ooooohh Christopher Cross' Sailing is playing. Forget an Nsync. Sailing is Christopher Cross' song now and forever.
I might have to take some people's gifts back....
How I Pissed Off the Atheists - Tia
So it's that time of year again. No, not the time for giving gifts or spending time with your loved ones. I'm talking about the time of year when the Atheists get all pissy about being wished a Merry Christmas.
"I don't believe in Christ," they say. That's fine. You're free to believe what you wish. But don't throw a hissy fit because I not only believe in Christ but wish to celebrate His birth. I shouldn't have to sensor my holiday greetings because I don't believe the way you believe. I don't DEMAND that you stop saying you're an atheist so you can't DEMAND that I wish you a "Happy Holidays." I don't celebrate Ramadan, Hanukkah, or Winter Solstice. I celebrate Christmas. So that's what you're going to get from me.
And on another note, if you're going to be an atheist be a strong atheist. Don't half-ass it by taking/receiving gifts. Go all out. Don't give one gift or accept one gift on December 25. Don't join family and friends for the holiday feast. If you're going to do it, do it BIG. Don't be lukewarm in your beliefs. Believe what you believe with gusto. People can respect you more if you're committed to what you believe.
Although if I'm being honest, I can't respect the atheist belief. Notice I didn't say I can't respect the Atheist, just the atheist belief. I can respect an Agnostic. They have not been convinced of the existence of a higher power. But the Atheist is convinced that there is no God and there's no convincing them otherwise. I can't respect that belief because it's arrogant and flawed. I say that because the atheist theory proposes to have knowledge of all things knowable. To be convinced that there is no God is to say that you have explored every known aspect of life, the universe and everything else and can emphatically say that there is no God. Now if you have indeed personally explored and/or seen every known aspect of life, the universe and everything and have found NO evidence of God, then yes, I will respect your beliefs as an Atheist. Otherwise, you're an agnostic at best. Hate me if you want. I'm just saying...
Anyway, Merry Christmas
Thursday, December 20, 2007
So I've been working my butt off trying to get ready to go on vacation. Well not so much go on vacation as not go back to work until the new year. I've been on the road and in something of a funk for personal reasons that I will eventually write about...I think. So with my schedule being what it is and all of the work that I've been doing on top of house hunting, it just hadn't really felt like Christmas the last week or so. I mean, sure the pictures of the screaming children sitting in Santa's lap are always HAHALARIOUS. But something just felt like it was missing. Then I realized...I hadn't watched any of my favorite Christmas movies.
Most of my dvds are in storage. But I did kept a few with me. I didn't know how long I was going to have to keep my stuff in storage and didn't want to have to go out and rent something that I already own. I know it's not a big deal, but it's the principle. I just can't knowingly give Blockbuster $4 for a movie that I've seen a million times AND own.
I kept Love Actually and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation with me. I figured I could watch A Christmas Story on TBS. But I don't know what I was thinking not bringing A Charlie Brown Christmas. Say it with me now, "CHRIST, THE LORD." (Linus was not playing with y'all.)
So even though it's almost 11p.m. and I just heard my blackberry chime (Seriously, who is up thinking about work besides me at this hour?) I put in NLCV and skipped to my favorite scene: Clark's freak out.
Now it feels like Christmas.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
2. I know I am deliriously sick when I wake up singing ridiculously random songs. Saturday I woke up with my face pressed up against the wall singing Carrie by Europe. Yes, Carrie. As in "Caaaarie, Caaaaaarie". The year before I immediately called out sick when I woke up on my back unable to move but was singing "There was something in the air tonight, the stars were bright, Fernandooooooo." But my personal favorite was the year before that when I had a 102 fever and all I could sing over and over was "Her name was Lola, she was a show girl". Yeah, I'm delirious.
3. I will say that this morning I woke up with You've Made Me Glad by Israel and New Breed (shoutout to Lightchild, the newest member of the New Breed). I was glad that was on my mental radio today. Perhaps it was because I prayed harder last night than I have in a really long time. I've been so convicted lately about laziness and complacency. I recently told a friend of mine that I tend to pray a lot because I tend to worry a lot and lately I have worried a lot. I think I was so upset about this past year because there has definitely been some time wasted and I really want to honor God with what I do with my time. My friend Joey spoke at a singles event at a church a while back and shared with me something that made me almost pick my plate up and crack him over the head with it, it was so dead on: he said while single, it is good to remember the scripture "Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up like wings of eagles. They shall run and not be
weary. They shall walk and not faint". That "wait" is to be taken two ways: wait (he then pointed to his watch) and wait (he then motioned his hand backwards as if he was a waiter holding a tray). Go on and let that marinate cause that's a good word right there.
4. It's only when I am sick do I think about all of the things I should be doing with my time like reading several books, building training curriculum for clients, and getting more knowledgeable (sp?) about the bible that I say I believe in. I am taking today off. I'm glad I don't have a tv today because there is a lot I have to catch up on. Maybe I'll be able to get through half of Berry Gordy's biography today. I mean I've only been reading it for a year. Good grief!
5. When I am sick I only want to eat Ritz wheat crackers and applesauce, preferably chunky. I can't get down with the drinking lots of fluids thing especially water. I really can't take the taste of my own mouth right now as it is. I have got to get better though and for God's sake I've GOT to do my hair!
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Now I had brought this up to Tia already but she just turned 30. I have already gone through the Turning 30 drama. I needed to speak with someone more growner and more sexier. Thus, I needed to speak with Linda.
Linda is on the ball. Linda is 40. Linda is smart, cool peoples has a fly house and can cook. Linda is single. Linda understands.
Please know that my breakdown has zero to do with being in my thirties and single. In fact that is one thing that I thank the good Lord for. Because it is always around 10 days from my birthday that I look at my shortcomings and thank God that there is no one around to put up with them. I still have some time to get some things ironed out and then I can be the stellar wife I know I will be. I still have plenty of time for that. As for the biological clock, God didn't even put batteries in mine. I've never once heard it tick.
(I am listening to Alana Davis. I love Alana Davis. You should too.)
Both Tia and Linda assured me that I don't suck. I have accomplished a great deal this year. Tia said she never thought I'd ever live by myself. I guess the frustration comes with knowing I can do better. I can work harder. I can be more diligent. I guess one good thing about the 30's is that you are more aware (or should be) of cycles and weaknesses. You shouldn't beat yourself up about them but you should work at getting better. Tia said "You live by yourself. You have a place of your own, a job and no kids? Come on." "Yeah but am I still fly?" I insecurely asked. "You're not even hearing me, are you?"
Linda brought up a good point. "Look at the people around you. That should let you know that you don't suck." This is true. I have the most fabulous friends ever. All different ethnicities and backgrounds. No drama. Love me to death. So I am very,very blessed to say the least.
I have been sick around this time of year every year since high school. Maybe it is so I can sit down and reflect. I guess this year hasn't been so bad after all. I just know I can do a whole lot better. I need to get out of this house, I know that much. I have to run a relaxer through my hair and loosen up these naps. Everytime I look in the mirror I see James Brown's mugshot staring back at me. Not a good look.
Umm, I am a little overwhelmed right now. I am also really sick and have a bit of cabin fever. Perhaps I should bundle up, go to a coffee shop and get my mind right.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Get your lives together. The end is not near, it's NOW.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Anyway, I'm at a site so I need to get back to work. They don't pay me to blog. Although, I would love to get paid to blog. But that's another story for another time.
Hallelujah Hollaback...(Sorry, that never gets old to me.)
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
makes the song so soulful and romantic. Anyway, I got there a little early and heard Calvin Turner, Zoom's and Marc Broussard's bass player, do the bass line for This Christmas during soundcheck. Could it be? I had texted and annoyed the fool out of Jason. Did he come through? DID HE! Half way into the first set he called Marc Broussard on stage (I didn't even know he was there) and introduced This Christmas like this "We're gonna do a Christmas song by Donny Hathaway called This Christmas...Toya" he said looking at me as if to say "Yes we are going to do it. Stop leaving messages on my phone." And then they both sang This Christmas. My friend Joey said that he heard the first note, looked at me and moved out the way cause he thought I was gonna act a plum fool. I tried my best not to. Anyway, after their first set I pointed to Jason and then pointed to Marc who was close by and I said "I need to speak with you AND him." I told Marc "I'm not saying this because you are here but
please know that you two are the only ones in the world that I ever want to hear do that song. Luther Vandross is my favorite singer and..." "I thought I was your favorite singer", Jason said. "Umm", I hesitated. "You mean dead right?". "Right. Anyway. I never even wanted him to sing it." "Wow" Marc said. "So not even Chris Brown?" said Jason. He is foolish. All that to say, it was a blast. The best Christmas gift next to Donny Hathaway singing it himself. I love living in Nashville!!!!
Friday, December 7, 2007
If you've been reading for any length of time you know how I Stan for Adam from Maroon 5. So you can imagine my disappointment when I felt completely underwhelmed after watching the video Won't Go Home Without You. I mean, my turnaround time on addressing it should be a clear indicator. The video has been in circulation for at least a couple of weeks or so.
I don't know. This video just didn't do anything for me. Sophie Mueller directed it. I'm usually a fan of her work. She did Annie Lennox's Walking on Broken Glass, Sade's By Your Side (which in my opinion was a great video for Sade to comeback with after being gone for 8 years) and I think she directed all of the videos from No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom album. (That album is a classic. I don't care what you say.)
Anyway, for whatever reason, I just wasn't feeling this one. So that puts Maroon 5 1 for 3 with videos for me. (If you recall I wasn't feeling the video for Wakeup Call either. Love the song though. "I just shot a man...did I do the wrong thing?") Maybe it's the song. This one isn't one of my favorites. I would much rather see a video for If I Never See Your Face Again or Kiwi, nasty as it is. Ooooh, I would really love to see a video for Infatuation but I don't even think they released that track here in the states so a video is unlikely.
Whatever...You can decide for yourself.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
One of the things that I don't miss about Nashville is that it is 2 degrees of Kevin Bacon. Not 6..2. If you have any kind of social life you really can't go anywhere without running into someone that you know. Sometimes it's cool. It's fun to see someone you may not have seen in a while and get to catch up. Other times it's not that great. Because, let's be honest, who really likes running into someone that you did end on good terms with?
I fully expected to run into people that I knew at the Stevie Wonder concert. I mean, it's Stevie Wonder. And most of my friends are grown. So I knew that my folks would be there. I DID NOT even think that Ben Covington would be there. I don't know why though. Being who he is, and what he used to do (and because we use our real names I can't go into too much detail or some of our Nashville readers will easily figure out who I'm talking about and then it will be a situation) I should have known that he would be there.
I first got wind that Ben was there from Toya. Apparently the people that we rode with ran into him and the girl he was with. Initially Toya didn't want to tell me that he was there. But then she thought better of it lest I run into him; at least I wouldn't be completely caught off guard. When I found out he was there I literally had to get some air and a $4 bottle of water. (By the way, the owners of the GEC are going to Hell for price gouging. And I don't mind saying it.) It has been years since the whole situation with Ben popped off but in that moment I realized that I still had some issues with him. (More on that later.)
I regained my composure and headed back inside to enjoy the show. I cried SHAMELESSLY during Overjoyed. My dad used to play that song all of the time when I was little and I fully plan to walk down the aisle to it. So needless to say to hear it sung by The Man himself darn near sent me over the edge.
As Stevie was taking his bow, I darted off to the restroom. I knew that I must have looked a mess from my unabashed crying spell and the overpriced bottle of water I consumed two hours earlier was begging to get out. So I made a mad dash to the restroom before everyone broke out. I did what I had to do and touched up my make-up and headed out.
I went back to where we'd been sitting to look for Toya and couldn't find her anywhere. I called her several times and got no answer. For a brief, terrifying moment I thought she may have found a way to get backstage with Stevie and was too caught up to answer her phone. (I found out later that her phone was on silent.) I figured rather than trying to find her while thousands of people were trying to exit I would pick a spot and stay there.
As the people were thinning and I was standing there texting Toya for the 100th time and I look up and see Ben Covington walking by. DAMMIT. I really had assumed that I'd dodged a bullet. Most everyone had left. I figured he was gone too. But of course he wasn't gone. I'm a BGLU. If he'd been gone what would I have to write about?
He walked up and gave me the awkward side church hug then introduced me to the girl he was with. He asked how I was doing and what I was doing. I filled him in on my Atlanta exploits and asked how he'd been. We chit-chatted for a while about life and the Stevie songs we wished we'd heard before the weird "we had a bad parting" silence set in. Taking the hint, he looked me in the eye and said, "We'd better go." On the inside I'm screaming, "PLEASE LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But before he goes, he gave me a not so subtle once over and smiled that smile that makes most heterosexual women in the 615 KNOW there is a God and said, "You look great, by the way."
I wanted to put my heel in the crux of his back.
I was seething by the time I finally ran into Toya. And initially I couldn't figure out why. Hours later as I lay sprawled across Toya's couch I came to the realization that my feelings were still hurt. Years later I was still Lawry's about Ben Covington. And if I was being honest I was a little mad at God.
I was mad at Ben because I felt like he led me on. I felt betrayed and used. We had been friends before he decided that he wanted to be down. And then he went and ruined that. And I was mad because I never really got an answer for why. We went from clowning each other and playing dominoes, to maybe seeing if this could go somewhere, to NOTHING. I mean NOTHING. No calls, no emails, no explanation why he wasn't interested. I didn't so much care that he wasn't interested. I was just hurt that someone who I had considered my friend decided that he couldn't be man enough to tell me that he didn't want to be down. Be a man, grow a couple and tell me the truth so that I can go back to spanking you a dominoes.
And then I realized I was mad at God. In my little finite mind I didn't understand how he could have let the whole thing happen. I hadn't really been looking for a relationship at the time. And my constant prayer at that time of my life was that I didn't want anymore guy friends. I was all full up on guy friends. Hell, I had guy friends on reserve. I was over it. I didn't want anyone trying to talk to me unless he was going to be man enough for me.
I was also mad at God because I felt like he KNEW Ben was my prototype. How could he let everything that I ever wanted in a guy walk into my life only to have him turn out to be a candy-ass? (Random Aside: Ben Covington is my PROTOTYPE. I mean aside from being a candy ass. He looks like the type of guy I've always seen myself with. He knows all the music that I need someone who's going to roll with me forever to know. And I frankly didn't even know a guy like him existed until I met him. I knew what I wanted but I'd never seen it. Then here he comes...)
On the drive home from Nashville I finally just gave up. The night before Toya made a good point. "You may not ever get an answer. You just have to know that it's the past and move on." In Lessons Learned, Alicia Keys said, "It's called the past 'cause I'm getting past. And I ain't nothing like I was before. You ought to see me now." I realized that I HAD to give up the past. I can't change it. And letting my heart still hurt, hurts no one but me. Ben Covington is doing his thing and I can't be mad at that. I now have to move on and do mine.
I began to praise God. I began to worship. Without motive or assumption. I just began to sing praises because I knew that I needed to. In those 3 hours in the car I let God have my heart. And by the time I got home I realized that my salty feelings toward Ben won't last if I don't let them. And I realized that if God created one Ben Covington then there is probably another one. One who isn't a candy-ass. So I'm going to do my thing. And when (I say when because Nashville is a small town no matter what they say.) I see him again I will be able to look at him and know, "He's just the past."
Although, I can't promise I won't want to put my heel in his back on general principal.
I was in Walmart yesterday buying onions and an instrumental version O Holy Night came on. I immediately burst into a fit of giggles. Why you ask. Because a few years ago a friend of mine sent me a copy of some guy singing O Holy Night that still to this day makes me WEEP with laughter.
You can listen here. If you're at work, please turn down your speakers. Although, it may be moot because I assure you that your own laughter will be far louder than this guy's screeching.
There is an urban legend that's been circulating around Nashville for a while that claims that this is some poor sap's audition tape. But this guy claims to have found the real story behind the song. Whatever the case, this songs will always send me into gut busting laughter.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
DJ: "Yes, you were wide awake...Toni Tony Tone with Raphael Sadiq"
Toya:"Umm,nah. That can't be right."
DJ:"Oh but it is."