Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
1. This may be my last coffeehouse confession from this particular shop because I am moving across town soon. I hear they have a few fresh ones over yonder. Still, this one is my favorite. However, my longtime coffeeshop boyfriend crush no longer works here and I am heartbroken. He used to always tell me I was pretty and gave me the giggles. In his honor, I am having my favorite fries. Who am I kidding? It's after midnight and I frantically drove over here because I am on my period and have the cravings of a mad pregnant woman. I am having these fries in MY honor.
2. Speaking of crushes, crushes (for me only) are played out anyway. Seriously. I am done liking men that don't like me (enough). That's a useless emotion on my part. We are almost through the summer and I just realized that for the first time ever, I have had no real summer time crush (Side note- I know what some of yall are thinking and that was not a crush but a dead horse). It's nice. Ok, its a little weird actually being 100% crush free, but I'm at peace for the first time in a very long time.
3. NO OWEN WILSON, NO! Uh uh. Thank God he didn't die from his suicide attempt. I can't watch a show or movie in which an actor died so young. Moesha, The Steve Harvey Show? Ruined. No, Owen. Yes, I want him to get well for his sake but I also want to be able to watch The Royal Tennenbaums.
4. Amy Winehouse: The next time they try to make you go to rehab, I need you to say "YES, YES, YES". You don't get to be Janis Joplin after putting out just one record. No, Amy.
5. Favorite song right now: "Make Me Better" by Fabulous and "Nice Look" Ne-Yo. "I need a Coretta Scott if I'm gonna be king". This is the best hip hop song to hit radio in ages.
6. At 32, I just discovered that I can still get my feelings hurt by people that I feel misunderstand me. I thought I was over being overly sensitive a long time ago, not caring what others thought of me. Shouldn't that go away after high school? Apparently not. Glad I'm not famous.
7. There are not enough hours in the day to do anything.
8. I walked into my bathroom today and realized that if I am to live on my own, I need basics:trash cans, light bulbs. A shower curtain. I have to get MY OWN stuff. Oh. My. Goodness. I am in a tree about this. I mean I know I will have all my needs met. It's just the responsibility that freaks me out. I remember my brother said once that Tia was the best man I have ever had. Lol! Its sad but true. I have never had to worry about getting anything. Yeah, it was definitely time for us to split up.
9. I was reminded recently that sometimes my lowest spiritual points come almost days after a big spiritual revelation. That's crazy to me. One day I feel like Jesus and I are so tight that I can feel the presence of God in my car. Just days after, I find myself struggling with faith because of something I feel I have failed in. The nearness of God is not based on how we feel. I am still trying to find out what that intangible wall is that separates us from feeling as if we are deeply loved by God. I don't understand why His word and sacrifice is not enough for me at times.
10. Finally, for the first time in 10 years, I had my hair flat ironed. For those that don't know what I look like, I rock a big and curly bobbed like 'fro. My dad said that the straight hair makes me look more grown up versus looking like Freddie from A Different World. I have had it natural for 10 years. I was in a wedding and wanted to try something different. It went from being just past my ears when curly to past my neck when straight. I must admit, it was quite sexy. Indeed, men treated me a little differently when it was straight but in all fairness, I acted differently. I found myself flirting more. My hair moved whenever I moved, I could flip it cause it was so long and overall it gave me a softer look. I was at home doing dances to Beyonce's record that I would've never been doing with curly hair or in public for that matter. I contemplated keeping it straight but that's not me. Straight Hair Toya is a problem.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
I absolutely LOOOOOOOVEEEEE this song by Madonna. One of the few songs post Borderline that I can get with from her.
Text from me on Friday sent to close friends regarding Juanita Bynum's report of abuse:
"Juanita Bynum got beat down by her husband in a hotel room parking lot. That's it. I'm getting me a Stedman and taking up horseback riding lessons. Screw it."
I have been very careful not to write anything about this situation in fear that I would sow seeds (or fertilize already firmly planted seeds) of fear into any other women. Tia and I have always felt very responsible for what we say on this blog. We know that women as a whole take things to heart. Something happens to a woman and we identify on some level. Guys aren't really like that. I asked a married friend of mine what her husband said once she told him the news and he plainly said "Wow. That's messed up." "Well, aren't you scared?" She asked. "No. That's them." Women don't always see it that way.
If you are at all like me, you thought this: This is a woman that is a prophetess; a woman that writes books and holds many successful conferences on seeking the will of God, getting to the heart of God and hearing the voice of God. If she is that close to the Lord, what didn't she see? And what does that mean for me, a woman that struggles to not be too busy to spend at least 15 minutes in my bible a day? If she didn't see that beatdown in the parking lot coming, how would I see one coming for myself?
These days, the positives of being single are FAR outweighing the positives of being married. Marriage is not a good look to me right now, I am not going to lie. I have never been in love and from what I know it is the closest you can get to insanity. That level of vulnerability is unfathomable to me. This being said, I am no robot. This situation touched me in a sore spot because I have always wanted the type of marriage where my husband and I are a team. Best homies, best partners. I always wanted us to have complimentary roles in the same ministry/field. However, when a woman is more successful, that's a hard way to go for some relationships.
That is why this month's Essence is very timely. Jill Scott, who made me hopeful for the love I have always hoped for in her song, He Loves Me (Lyzel in E flat), opens up about her divorce from the man of which she penned that song. To paraphrase the reason of her breakup, she said that things were all good when they were both struggling and on the grind. They had that in common. But once she started to succeed and what she was destined for launched her into stardom, he couldn't be the man to support her to where she was going. WOW! I have heard time and time again from a few women that they have heard sermons lately about how God wants to give you someone for where you are going and not for where you are now. To be honest with you, I don't know where I am going. I know what I want to do but God dreams bigger plans for us than we do for ourselves. What if I hook up with someone that is totally down with me 9-5'in it and doing my side hustle? They can encourage me all day long with that. But what if I get a book deal, a talk show, my own line of Chuck Taylors (I actually want to bring Lotto's back), but you get what I'm sayin'? Are there actually men that are secure in their own calling for their lives that they won't try to hold you back once you start to blow up?
I say, yes. The key word is "secure". How many times have I written on here about insecure men? "You're intimidating, Toya. Guys think they have nothing to offer you." Psst! If they think that a guy has nothing to offer me NOW, like Kanye said, wait til I get my money right! Excuse me, was you sayin' somethin'? My point is what God has in store for you is for you. You don't have to hold back on your gifts or your callings to make anyone feel needed so they will stay around. You want someone that can champion what God is doing through you and is not so shortsighted by his jealousy that he thinks that you are the one doing things by yourself and for yourself. Wait for God to hook you up for the one that compliments you and vice versa and together you can rock the world.
I was at church today and I heard a woman pastor speak. She and her husband are worship leaders at our church. Her husband is one secure dude. I can tell that and I have never really even witnessed them together. He can encourage her in what God is doing through her while she is in the forefront as our choir director. His role is not lesser as a musician. He excels in what he is called to do and together they are a great example of how these types of relationships can work. One thing she said tonight really stood out: instead of looking at Juanita Bynum and Paula White (and for a little extra I will throw in Jill Scott and Yolanda Adams) and saying "What does that mean for me?", we need to be boldly declaring, "No more. This ENDS with me."
Real talk? I want to boldly declare this in my life. I want to take it to the streets with a bunch of women with Chaka Khan singing "I'm Every Woman" on a big yellow float going towards City Hall. However, there is one thing that still remains that has been my number one fear when it comes to marriage and it is a fact: There are no guarantees that you or your mate will NEVER wild out. NONE. I don't care who it is. I don't care if it's my own mother. The reason being is that when you commit to someone, you are committing to someone that has free will just like you do. They have to choose to love you every day. They have to choose to love God every day and they have to choose to love themselves every day. I don't trust the person I could be without the obedience I have to Jesus Christ and therefore I don't trust any man a part from that either. I know for a fact that there are times that my father stuck around not because of his love for my mother but because of his love for God which commanded him to love my mother. If that element was not in place, they would not be celebrating their 37th anniversary tomorrow.
I don't want the news of Jill Scott, Juanita Bynum and Paula White to scare us into believing that there is just no hope in having a successful marriage. I do however hope that this is a wake up call to those that have been delusional about marriage. I also hope that this is a wake up call for all of us that are single to not even think of settling for Mr. Right Now. Take your time. Listen to wise counsel. Do not ignore the signs and red flags. Ask the hard questions. I will be the first one to raise my hand and say that this is hard as hell sometimes. However, the sacrifice is worth it to not be on the news and you best believe a fool puts his hands on me, myself, and Tia no doubt, WILL be on the news.
Monday, August 27, 2007
I CAN'T BREATHE...SOME...ONE..HELP...-Toya
Why oh WHY does Lonnie appear on the screen wearing the same tux that I picked out for him when we get married next April?????
Jesus be a restraining order and a True Love Waits accountability partner. The flesh is weak.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
I have no idea where to even begin with the whole Juanita Bynum incident. You know what, I am still at a loss for words, so comment as you see fit.
Who is Daniel Merriweather? I was watching videos one morning before I walked out the door to work and this song came on that was kind of catchy. I was in the bathroom so I couldn't see who was singing. But the voice sounded vaguely familiar. But not really recognizable. (Is everyone starting to sound the same or is it just me?)
So I walked out of the bathroom to see who was singing and Daniel Merriweather's nicely pink lips caught my full attention. Where did he come from? In the wake of the Robin Thicke phenomenon are we to expect a slew of white boy soul singers?
I'm currently doing some reconnaissance work on Daniel. I'll get back to you when I have more information.
So I realized today that it had been ten days since either of us had posted anything. Sorry for the lag. I've been trying to get settled and Toya...well Toya has been having it....She's going through some things at the moment. Plus she doesn't have wireless at her house so it makes it a bit difficult to post.
I was talking to Toya about wanting to go to New York some time soon and just do a week of nothing but shows. There are so many shows on Broadway that I want to see. Hairspray, The Color Purple, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King...During the conversation Toya mentioned that Tevin Campbell was joining the Hairspray cast. Information that I was unaware of, I must say.
The conversation got me thinking about Tevin Campbell. Although he's had some trouble in recent years, you can't take away from the music he used to make.
This was one of my favorite songs from back in the day:
This song reminded of this song. (Tevin Campbell was the voice of Powerline.)
I remember that the clip was a Disney movie which reminded me of the time they did that Tevin Campbell song on the MMC.
The MMC clip reminded me that my boyfriend JC Chasez is one the best singers in the world as evidenced by this song.....(WHY?!?!?!? Didn't I know it......WHY?!?!?!?! Didn't I show it....I dare you to say he can't sing. I DARE YOU....)
So hopefully you were able to catch the train of thought that just flew past you.
One more thing. I was watching the Nysnc video and I just have to reiterate. I love JC. I mean, I really do. I know that I've said it before. (all you have to do is search the archives.) But really, he is the type of guy that could make me act all the way up. Seriously, if JC walked up to me right this minute and asked me to do just about anything, I would say yes. Without hesitation. I was watching the video and he is SANGING. I mean, he is feeling it. And he makes me want to be a part of whatever he is feeling. Watch his face. He is so into that song it's ridiculous. I know I'm rambling but I LOVE me some JC in such a special way. He would get dealt with if I ever saw him in the streets.
This concludes my stalker ramblings.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
So I've been in Atlanta for a week and I haven't stopped running yet. I came in town on the night of the JT concert and seriously haven't been able to take a break. I left town for a wedding and I'm leaving town again tomorrow for a another one. And even though I have only been teaching for a few days, I'm already looking for another job. Apparently, I don't have the patience for the children the way I used to. Not to mention the fact that you just don't get paid anything working with children. And right now I am a special kind of broke. I mean special like, haven't gotten any groceries since I've been here, hitting my pops up for food, broke. LA had the nerve to break me while I was there and kick me on the way. Just getting out was twice as much as going in. Same company, basically the same distance, and yet it literally cost twice as much to move out of the state as it did to move in. They said it was something about freight charges. I say it was LA screwing me one last time.
And if the financial situation wasn't enough, I, for the first time EVER, have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. The little brats....I mean, darlings at the school where I teach have made me rethink my life's current goals. And because I am a planner, have ZERO direction beyond the next day scares the hell out of me.
I seriously have been hanging on to the following scriptures for dear life:
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground
- Psalm 143:10
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.
- Isaiah 42:16
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
I normally don't feel no kind of way about Timbaland but with JT he is fire.
Tim is now doing the intermission and I must give credit
where it's due. His beats are ridiculous.
And Justin almost just made me take my shirt off. I have a type. And
Justin is it....;) okay not really but he is awful close.
narrowly escaped a 3 car accident today in BFE Alabama. You can't tell
me that prayer doesn't work.
I made it to Atlanta in one piece. I got here just in time to unload
part of my car, change clothes, and walk out the door. My favorite CA
roommate Crista got me Justin Timberlake tickets for my birthday.
Unfortunately Toya couldn't make it, so I'm flying solo. But I don't
care. These are good seats and I want to go.
Also in the vain of unfortunate events at the moment I'm stuck in the
traffic that's going to the venue. Ironic that the thing I hated the
most about LA managed to catch up to me so soon in Atlanta. oh well.
If the show warrants it I will post a live update during the show.
Monday, August 6, 2007
I know I just did a T.V.o.t.W but this song came on last night right before I pulled into my hotel in Amarillo and I couldn't pass it up. I had to really think about who sang it. I remembered every word, but I couldn't think of the group. I actually ended up googling it.
This is some late 90's, crying in the dark, just broke up with your high school boyfriend that you've only dated for 3 weeks, my life is over until next week, type stuff.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Tia is in the process of driving solo from LA to Atlanta right now. I would really appreciate it if you would pray for her travelling safety. I really hate that I couldn't make the drive with her and I know she's a big girl but I am still pretty concerned and not trying to call her every hour on the hour. Thanks!
Friday, August 3, 2007
Thursday, August 2, 2007
I used to listen to V103 late at night and patiently wait for this song to come on. I couldn't have been more than 8 years old but I knew how sincere this was. This was back when times were good and groups had harmonies and choreography. (check out those steps at 1:03. CHOREOGRAPHY I say...)
This is so serious
And that video made me think of this:
I wonder what ever became of Riff...?
Someone just offered me "a piece of their original art" in exchange for my $700 mattresses that I posted for sale on craigslist.
I did not even dignify them with a response.
I'm so over moving...
Wednesday, August 1, 2007