Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Lesson Learned-Toya

*Again please excuse the lack of spacing. I still can't get internet on my laptop so I have to blog from my Treo*

When Lizzie sent me the link to "Lesson Learned" last week I was stoked to finally hear this Alicia Keys/ John Mayer collaboration (by the way Tia told me that Pastor Mayer will be re-releasing his sermon series "Continuum" with 6 additional sermons, I mean, songs. Look, "Gravity" will preach! I kid you not.) Little did I know that this song would stir up some issues that I find hard to believe that I am still dealing with.

It's been YEARS. Years, I tell you. There have been many "ineligibles" since this has happened. It's been so long that I am missing a person that no longer exists. Sometimes I wonder if he ever did. I don't think he was always full of bullshishery (my new favorite word) but I am now realizing the self centeredness and bad things that my friends warned me about that I refused to see. It was so bad that one night a group of girl friends surprised me with an intervention. Melissa:" So you've been mentioning dude a lot lately. I hear blah blah blah and blah." Now of course she did not say blah, blah,blah and blah but when you are wrapped up so tight in someone that you can't find yourself,any cautious advice sounds like it is coming from Charlie Brown's teacher. Of course I got defensive and defended every stupid thing he did and that I let him do. Then this question was asked(don't remember who asked it. After all it was a flurry of questions.) "Toya,are you alright?" All of the sudd
en it seemed as if time had stopped. I noticed that I had my first cigarrette in two years in one hand and a martini in the other. I was by no means alright. The verdict was for me to let him go. I practiced my speech all the way home and even felt better when I practiced it out loud. I never ever gave that speech. I wish that I would have at least believed that I could have.

So in listening to Lesson Learned, I have been asking myself if I have learned every lesson that needed to be learned in this whole ordeal. When something hurts as much and as long as this has you do not want to have to repeat the same mistakes. I often said that if I knew then what I know now I would have thrown a bar stool at his face and ran out the door. But that's not right. I know this because one of the many lessons that I am still learning is forgiveness. I am learning that someone does not have to ask for forgiveness for you to forgive them. I am also learning that your happiness cannot be contingent on whether that person ever acknowledges that they were wrong. You may never get an apology. Ever. Regardless, you still need to forgive them. Sometimes you need to even make sure that you have forgiven yourself.

Alicia says its called the past because she's getting past it. I can't wait to be able to say the same.

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